Ok, so my H and I are doing controlled separation, however it seems were seeing more of each other then ever. I am backing off, and he is the one who wants to be involved more and more with me.
Our situation is that we live in a house we can NOT afford at all. We own it part w/ the Inlaws (his parents) help. I feel the stress and living situation (living in boring suburbs w/ no kids/money) is what brought on H wanting a D.
I suggested giving the house to his P's to deal with, since they got us into this mess, and we have no way to handle it. We are in real estate so we can help them rent it, but since they are paying for it anyhow, they may as well call the shots. This way, we can get the mortgage off our credit, they can refinance in their name, and H and I can go rent someplace.
However, if this all works out well (lots of things to research before hand), H seems to want to go rent w/ roommates (says he never got to do that before and that I dont have to go w/ him).
Our agmt was that we are doing a 6 month CS, for now while living under same roof, we do a partial separation and the rest of the time we will live separately.
However, the problem is, I dont want to live separately. I want to live w/ him, and maybe some room mates, but i dont know how to tell him this. He likely knows thats what i want, but he was like "well, you can get your own bachelorette pad and have fun there".
First off, i cant afford my own pad. I would have to have room mates likely, or live w/ family. The plus for us living together is that we can share the expense, and see what life is like together, w/o the financial stress.
We are both going through a crazy phase where were acting like kids (we both want tattoos, i just died my hair RED, both working out like crazy).
I dont know how to "detach" right now, considering all these really drastic decisions are being made. Plus, if i tell him I want to live in the apartment w/ him, im essentially re-negging on our CS contract which states we will move into separate living arrangements and continue to see how we feel and if we miss one anther before divorcing.
Im still in la la land i guess, thinking i can change his mind... i cant.
I just really fear living with out him.
What I think i will do is: let him talk to his parents re: the house problem, see where that goes, if anywhere (that is a big maybe if they will even go for it).
Then, ride out the next few weeks while we are searching for our own place to live and such, and see if H has a change of heart and wants to live together. If he decides not to, I dont say anything, and work on getting my own place separate as agreed.
Qs:
1) Should i approach him at all about wanting to live together w/ him after we figure out what were doing w/ the house? Or... play cool...act like i want to live in my own bachelorette pad.... and see if he changes his mind...
2) When he goes to propose this plan to his parents, should I suggest to him that he tells his parents about our marriage problems? (at present they have no idea).
3) Should I tell H that maybe we should make an attempt to live together for his parents sake, so that they have some reason to help us take over the house, and give them a little bit of hope, since otherwise they really would have no motivation to help us out w/ the house/finances. (he seems to think they will help us out even if we tell them we have marriage issues. )
Just need some advice on all this. Its purely financial why H is in a Mid life crisis, but now he is in one, and wants this whole crazy life......
Man, that's complicated. I feel like there's a lot of information missing, especially about how you came to this pass and what led to the separation in the first place.
I'm no expert, but I'll offer you this: your question 3 sounds like a way to use his parents' interests to get what you want, i.e. to continue to live together. I don't suggest that! You're better off actually detaching than making up reasons not to do it, I would think. If you tell him you're living together in order to "give his parents hope," I put myself in his shoes and it just sounds like you're suggesting I live with you so that you and I can fool my parents into taking on a white elephant of a house. I don't have any way of knowing whether that's a fair assessment, I'm just telling you the impression that it makes.
If you want to live together that badly, I would think you'd be better off telling him honestly that you don't want to separate, but being prepared for him to say "Sorry, that's the way it is." Detaching is about not pursuing and not being needy, so if you can't avoid suggesting that you stay together, be sure you avoid begging him to stay or repeatedly asking after he tells you firmly that he needs the separation.
Now, one of the experts may come along and tell you that this is all wrong, and if they do, you should listen. I've never been through a separation or a walk-away spouse. But that's my two cents, worth what you paid for it.
