It's been a very long time since I posted, months. So much has happened over the last 3 years since I came here. I know it sounds strange but I am grateful for every bit of it, it's made me even better. It gave me skills and insights that I never had or understood.
Today I am most thankful that I have a heart that is willing and able to give unconditionally. No barriers keeping anyone out, no hardness from being left behind, no anger, nothing negative.
For the last 7 months I have been dating the most wonderful woman and I have been falling in love with her the whole time. (this isn't the first relationship since the seperation and divorce) Sadly for the last month she has been having a rough go of it with her ex and his family. It is stunning what people will do and say to those they supposedly loved. All this has sent her into a tailspin and caused her to question everything in her life.
On Tuesday I did something I would never been able to do before learning DBing and all these relationship skills and insights. I let go of her. She needs to recover without the pressures and expectations of others of the stresses. She needs to have wounds re-opened healed.
How big is this for me? Huge because I was beginning to think of a future together, a long future, of marriage. We'd talked about the future but kept it to the near and mid-term.
So, I am thankful for knowing what love really is, what falling in love really is and knowing how love makes doing the right but hard thing easier to do. I am grateful for all that I have experienced and learned. Grateful that I didn't step in front of that bus in London back in Dec 06. Grateful that even after experiencing the worst emotional pains that I have a loving heart.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! Now off to enjoy this day with my family, enjoy the beautiful weather we have today and enjoy life!!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Yes Donna it is something well worth striving for and something I wish everyone that's been in our situations had as a goal.
BTW, the stepping back from the current relationship appears to be helping a bit at least. She's stayed in contact and has said it's helped her focus on some of her needs, not feel pressured by our relationship and feel better about us.
On a sad note, my father got a call on Thursday night, my step grandmother, who I haven't seen in 29 years and who has rejected the family passed away that morning. I really don't have anything nice to say about her but I hope the Lord accepts her into his house. Her funeral was yesterday and I think there might have been a dozen people there. Sad in so many ways, evidently she told the minister the previous week she'd made mistakes in life and now wished she hadn't. Well hopefully she made amends with the Lord.
Last edited by catfan; 11/30/0911:43 PM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Hmm, no responses to my last post. But no mind, beginning in the "Separated but not done" forum I've had a quasi journal going, so no need to break from that now....
On the topic of post separation/divorce relationships. Yes, I have had a few, 4 exactly, none lasting more than 6 months. My current one just hit 6 months. 6 months and 1 day ago we had our first "date", we met for coffee. On that night I was just taken by her. A couple of weeks later while out rather later, we danced for the first time together. After a song or two the band played a slow song, I wish I could remember what, but oh well. She placed her head on my chest, her arms folded between us and I wrapped my arms around her. At that moment I knew...I just knew this could go somewhere special. I'd already known to could go somewhere but not somewhere really special.
Fast forward to today, we balance delicately, oh so delicately this relationship. With her needs and DBing in mind, just two weeks ago I told her to take time for her, that I'd give her "space". Amazingly that probably has given this relationship a chance again as she deals with the chaos in her own life. (She's separated, I know red flag.) I've continued to try to give her space while maintaining our connection, a text here or there and a phone call or two. Just maintaining a connection.
This past Saturday we went to a sporting event. She'd purchased tickets and given them to me for my birthday a month before. It was the first time we'd seen each other since I had said take your time. The day started off a little odd but in the end we had a great time together embracing one another and kissing passionately.
Since then, communication between us (texting and calls) has improved as has the general demeanor too. It's not back to the sticky sweet it was before but it's definitely clear there's a connection again. With that, tonight we made initial plans for New Years. It was nice to hear, "I would like to spend it with you too" from her and not in a just saying it to be nice way.
As Michele says, baby steps. And a bit of advice from my mother this past Sunday (FYI, I finally told my Mom about me and the new woman, she had slight issues I hadn't been honest with my mom.) My Mom's advice to me, "Catfan, if you really like her, take it slow. Take it slow so she can catch up to you. No need to rush things. If she likes you...(and a look, one of those motherly looks)" So, even though she won't ever see this, Thanks Mom, Love You!! And to miss special, I will publicly say, here at least for now (and a somewhat safe place too because I know you won't see it), I love you, you've captured me. :-)
Oh and yes, peanut gallery, I do hope to here about your post D relationships and how you've managed them. Gotta share experiences here so we all get it right the next time around!!
Last edited by catfan; 12/10/0904:15 AM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I've yet to have a post divorce relationship. January will be the two year anniversary of the bomb and one year anniversary of the divorce. Fear and having a plate full of other issues keep me from seeking a relationship though I'm feeling closer to dipping my toe in the water.
Your mom is a very smart woman. I can't imagine the turmoil your special one is going through in the throes of divorce, especially if she has a strong belief in what a family should be. She can't even start to catch up to you until her divorce is final.
You mentioned the red flag over her being separated. That red flag is for your benefit. Do you want to be the rebound guy? You know all too much the emotional chaos and devastation abandonment can bring. It's wonderful that you know how to be a great partner all the while hoping for the best and knowing the worst is the best for her... and in the end, you.
Ah and yes, peanut gallery, I do hope to hear about your post D relationships and how you've managed them. Gotta share experiences here so we all get it right the next time around!!
Sorry, I didn't have anything to say. I haven't dated yet. It has been a year and a half since the divorce. I wanted to get to where I didn't feel as if I needed to be with someone but wanted to be with someone. Certainly didn't want a bandaid. I will let you know how waiting until I was more healed worked out!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have to admit, I am ready to have someone in my life. I don't need someone but I want someone. So much out there to do and experience and it's so much better with someone to do that with!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I saw a "rebound" guy for a few months...about a year after the bomb, a few months after x moved out. I was still VERY wrapped up in my x (and the other guy was wrapped in his, too) - more commiserating than dating, with some heavy petting thrown in. He was a complete badass, too - rocker with long hair and motorcycles! My own mini-teen-rebellion. At least I didn't feel like a troll. But I recognized it for what it was pretty quick and I let it fizzle. A few other dates, but I was no where near ready, and most guys knew that right off of the bat. One other, after the D, was very nice, but I just didn't feel anything for him after a few dates and told him it wasn't working for me. I've haven't been on a date in...wow, more than a year. It's been 3 years since the bomb, and the D was final June 08.
I'm on eharmony and match right now, but am being extremely picky about who I even begin to email with - no one has jumped out at me, and that might still be because I'm not ready. I got short-term contracts, and will probably just let them expire again within the next month or two.
another one the cat cragged in, hey catfan!! boy, last time I read a post of yours you were deciding whre to go with your ex relationship wise, and now... wow, glad you moved on and have grown!!
At the danger of generalizing, seems like guys are quicker than women when it comes to dating and finding a new mate, the ex, you, my uncle, who separated at the same time as me and already has a serious R.... to answer your question, nope, haven't had one, didnt' want a rebound or keep someone's hopes up... for the kids sake I didnt' want to bring yet another new change in their life. So I havent' dated and lately i have had a full plate with school and stuff that I don't have time and wont' really need anything else to jugle at this point.
hugs )))) don't come here anymore, just checking on my ol' crew tonight.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
