Need some advice from experienced DBer's

[motherof3]

Prior to stumbling upon DB I found a book that promotes a controlled separation and started following that concept. Basically, it suggests that if your spouse is stuck on leaving, setup a controlled separation which will give the WAS time, and ease the fears of the divorce threat for the LBS at least for the time being. The book goes on to suggest that you lay out some ground rules for your separation. Being desperate I followed the book's advice and asked H to help me come up with some ground rules.

We decided on the following.

1. Time Limits: Set a time limit of which the books suggestes anywhere from 1-6 months. H suggested 4 months, which will be up on Janruary 26, 2010.

2. Legal Counsel: Agreed that during this time limit, neither one of us will file for divorce. However, we may still contact an attorney to become informed. Based on H's phone records, he as contacted an attny.

3. Living Arrangements: H moved out on 9/26/09.

4. Divide Home Furnishings: Done.

5. Finances: Agreed that all kid related expenses such as daycare costs would be split evenly. For the time being H will also help contribute to the van and mortgage payments. I wouldn't be able to pay all of the household bills on just my salary.

6. Children: We made arrangements as to who would get the kids and when.

7. Interpersonal Relationship: Agreed to make no contact with each other for the first 3 weeks of separation. Communication regarding the kids was to be made via email and by telephone only if an emergency arises. The three weeks were up mid-October. Now we do talk over the phone, but it is always in regards to the kids. The book also suggests to setup boundaries regarding: telephone calls to each other, helping out with household repairs, family outings, dating each other, and intimacy. We agreed to go over these items after the initial 3 week period. I never brought up these items again with H as during that 3 week silence period I found DB. He hasn't brought them up again either.

8. Dating Others: We agreed not to date others during the defined separation period. H actually made this suggestion. I am following this rule. But who knows about H. Can't prove or disprove either way. Still don't know if there is OW, but everyone on the boards tells me to keep my eyes open.

9. Confidentiality: We agreed to limit explanation of the details of the contract to mutual friends and family. Most of them know some of the story, but not all of it.

10. Joint Marriage Counseling: As of right now, I am the only one going to C. Early on we went to an MC, once together, each individually, and together again. The MC was obviously not pro-marriage and didn't end up helping the sitch. I found a new C.

As I said above, this "contract" was created by both H and myself. Why he agreed to it participate in this agreement? I don't know as he was very adamant about filing for divorce.

In reading other stiches and posts, it sounds like I made the wrong decision in suggesting this controlled separation. I do not want a D and know there are ways we can work on our R. But before H moved out he stated that he was not happy and obviously blames it on our M. We haven't not spoken about this since his departure.

I am currently at a place where I feel comfortable terminating the controlled separation agreement. I don't need these rules to live by anymore. At first it was a comfort knowing that he agreed not to file until the end of January. But if the contract is the only thing that is stopping him, then what is the point?

I know the CS is not part of the DB process and as I said before, I started down that path prior to bumping into MWD's books and this website. So my question to all of you is, should I let H know that I no longer need to live by the CS rules? This would certainly fall under a R talk. Give me your opinions/advice please.

Here is the link to my on-going thread. The first couple of posts will give you more insight to my sitch if you are interested.

Trying LRT - Please Help!

[givingitmyall]

MO3,

So my question to all of you is, should I let H know that I no longer need to live by the CS rules? This would certainly fall under a R talk. Give me your opinions/advice please.

I don't think this is R talk. Some may disagree, but R talk to me is talking about how you and H will get back together, where you are (temperature taking), and similar discussions. What you are talking about doesn't seem to me to be R talk. Coach has helped me understand this concept, b/c for a long time I thought any talk involving the M was, by definition, R talk.

So, I don't think there is anything wrong with you telling him you will no longer be living by the agreement. In fact, I think it shows strength and "leading" - another conept Coach has taught me.

When you have this discussion, I would be prepared for H to push it into talk about the M - especially if your change means you will be dating. I would simply tell him he knows where you stand, that you prefer to work on the M, but that is not your choice, it's his. You can't make him do anything, nor will you try. This places the decision back where it belongs - with HIM. Remember, this is HIS decision.

Focus on what you can control - which is only you. You cannot control what he decides/does.

[motherof3]

Thanks GIMA. I value your input.

I have been trying to read your entire thread and don't remember running across any posts between you and coach regarding walking the line of R talks. Maybe I just haven't gotten that far yet or maybe I just missed it. I will go back and take a look.

As far as me ready to date others. I am not at that place yet. I still would like to focus on my R/M and don't think dating someone else right now is the answer. Besides, I would hate to drag some innocent person into this mess knowing I still have strong emotional ties to H. I am getting further along in detaching as I know regardless of what happens, I know that I will be okay and come out a better person in the long run. But I do firmly believe that emotional ties and detachment are two different things.

I will internalize what you have said and sleep on it as I haven't applied this new revelation of mine to the 48/72 hour rule.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

[givingitmyall]

MO3,

I am not suggesting you date while M'd. Others might, but that's not me. I don't think you thought I was suggesting that. Just want to make sure.

Also, you are correct that detachment and emotions are seperate. We love our spouses, despite the current situations. Detachment is something else apart from that.

[sam_oc]

MO3, during this 'contract' period, have you noticed any attitude changes in H? It seems to me it's just putting things on hold. I would immediately follow DR if you haven't done so already. From my experience, I've been detaching for over 2 months, but have slipped and faltered from time to time. DR goes against our normal instincts that it takes a concentrated effort.

just my $0.02.

[motherof3]

MO3,

I am not suggesting you date while M'd. Others might, but that's not me. I don't think you thought I was suggesting that. Just want to make sure.

I understood you completely. Just wanted to clarify my position for others who may be reading this too.

Also, you are correct that detachment and emotions are seperate. We love our spouses, despite the current situations. Detachment is something else apart from that.

Yep, learned that from reading your sitch.

[motherof3]

MO3, during this 'contract' period, have you noticed any attitude changes in H? It seems to me it's just putting things on hold. I would immediately follow DR if you haven't done so already. From my experience, I've been detaching for over 2 months, but have slipped and faltered from time to time. DR goes against our normal instincts that it takes a concentrated effort.

just my $0.02.

Thanks Sam,

It is hard to say whether there have been any attitude changes. Some days he is more chatty than others, but I try not to read too much into that. I agree with you in that the contract is just putting things on hold. That is why I am considering terminating the contract.

Two - Three weeks into the contract I started practicing the DB concepts. I have had my occassional slip ups too. But who doesn't?

So are you suggesting I should let H know that I would like to end our contract that has been put in place? Any ideas how I could go about this without straying from DB?

I liked what GIMA had to say, but would love any insight you care to share as well.

[sam_oc]

MO3, you don't need to bring it up. Let him bring it up, and go from there to just end it. You don't need to elaborate because to me that would be discussing the R. I would just do DB and learn all you can about the process of detaching. We're both, it seems, in the same point in the process. I have alot to get used to, and the biggest effort is this: learning to separate emotion from detachment. What has been said in these forums is that successful detachment will only help you to move forward and save yourself and carry you into the future--that future could be with or without H, but you yourself will be a more confident person.

Look at it this way, we all know life goes on and we're going to get over this, we might as well start now.

[Gardener]

mo3,
Thoughts from an experienced, though unsuccessful DBer.

If that's what you've decided, tell him.

Also, you're not really terminating anything since it was never put into effect or enforced completely. All the Pre-Divorce logistics, if you will, were done just fine:1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9.

Those items dealing with repair and reconciliation
(7 & 10) have not been put into effect.

And think about this: On #2, he went to an attorney. Not a violation, but he was the only one who made sure he availed himself of that option.

And it seems like 8 might be iffy on his part, too.

So, my approach would be: It's been Null and Void from the very start - in its most important aspects. So, I'm out if you don't want to work on us.

But you should know that I am biased here: in my case STBXW suggested a 1 yr. "respite". She broke every single "agreement" while leading Gardener, appropriately, "down the Garden Path".

[givingitmyall]

Thoughts from an experienced, though unsuccessful DBer.

Oh, not so. Think you are not properly defining the term "success." And you know that.