Ok let me start off by telling u that in July my wife came home from work one night and sat me down and told me she was not happy anymore....Said she had not been happy for 4 years...we have been married 7...This all came about...when I started approaching her about questions I was brining to her about thinking she was having an affair...never accused but asked her questions about y hiding her phone...y pics of this guy on her phone...y so many texts to him in a day...and etc...she denied the whole thing then told me she was not happy...that night she said she did not wanna split up..she wanted to work things out...but in the midst of all that...after that is when the affair really spiked at its all time high...Sex even got involved with it...Once I found out 4 sure about the affair...She came and sat her down and told her i knew everything...and she said that she wanted a divorce then later that night would not stop crying and told me she only said that cause she thought that is what I would have wanted and she just wanted 2 make me think that its what she wanted...NOT at all...I know what my wife did...but I still love her and have all the feelings of love and care for her like i did when i met her...Although there are issues that are going to take a while to get back...Trust is a major...Here is the problem...I only work 2 days a week and my wife works 3 days on 3 days off...7am-8pm...never leaves work until 9 or 9:30...comes home and comes off with the attitude that she is to tired for sex...or afraid the kids are gonna wake up...or she is just not in the mood...She tells me that sex is not important in a marriage and that I am way to persistant and determined to make this better in our marriage and i have never been like that b4...she knew b4 i was always into wanting to be with her on a more intimate level...Sex to me is not just sex..its a beautiful thing with my wife...As close as I am to her it just brings me that much more closer...but to her ..I tell her how i feel about it...and she understands but still feels i want it to much...more than once a week would be a miracle...She come out and told me that she was having it 4 or more times a week with the other guy...I understand that an affair is like a drug and they do it to get the high cause they think its wrong and such..But why is wrong of me to think that we should get a better intimacy between us than what there was...its been 4 months and she still does not seem up to par on this...She even told me the day that I caught them that they had sex 7 times in the hotel all day...somethings that if it happens 1 time in a day for us that is it...We even went our in anniversary in sept to a resort for a weekend just to reconnect and it was the first time we even spent a night away from the kids...And she could not even attempt to meet up or honor me with the wonderfulness of being with her more than that to get it out of my head...and then i find out they were still talkin after they said they had stopped and he asked her after our weekend if we had sex..how many times..and what ways..and she opened that all up to him and says to me that i care to much about what people say and think...What am i to do here?
It's hard to tell what's going on. Your post is a little hard to read--was it done from a phone or something, maybe? It sounds like your wife had a physical affair after some time of sex-starved marriage (How long? 4 years, or longer?) I also get the impression that you confronted her and she denied it, but later came clean . . . and that the two of you reconciled and decided to work on your marriage, but she continued contact with the other man, telling him about her sex life with you and you about her sex life with him. If any of that is wrong, please correct it.
You've got more than one issue going on at once here. There's the sex-starved nature of your marriage, her infidelity, and her failure to end the affair.
Have you read The Sex-Starved Marriage? It's a great help, but it does essentially focus on couples who have made the choice to work on the marriage together and make things better. From your description, your wife doesn't seem to have turned that corner yet. She seems to have one foot out the door.
Others will be along to help you more than I can, but you're not alone on this. Exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings kill the sex drive of anyone on the low side of the spectrum. She's obviously hurt you badly, and you may have hurt her, too, whether you realize it or not, but that doesn't have to be the end of it.
Question: When did the sex-starved phase of your marriage begin, and was that before or after she had an affair? Don't be embarassed, there are members here who've been through just about everything and have believed every dumb thing you can imagine.
