First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

Heres my story,

Married 13 years last month, 2 girls 11+8.. A week last Saturday my wife went out with the children, 10 minutes later after dropping them with her sister, she drops the bomb..
This cant go on, I ask what? "I dont love you any more"

I am so shocked I turn hysterical..its a complete shock..We havent argued, she's been a bit snappy lately and tired but I put it down to work.(shes had a few promotions lately)

Sure we have had some pressures..Financial+ I nearly lost my job earlier this year through redundancy(But didnt..)My uncle passed away and 3 months later in September so did my father..
(I am still coming to terms with this)

I am so upset, Sure..I can understand shes not happy..but why not blow up and make more of a fuss? We could have talked..

I am trying to stay positive..Doing much more around the house..Stopped drinking..(have been drinking a bottle of wine most nights.. but no more).
The house has become a bit of mess, so I am frantically trying to decorate in a hope this will make her feel happier and want to stay..

Am I an idiot for loving my wife no matter how much shes hurt me..Or should I just accept and move on?

Is there another man? she says no..but how can you tell?

Thanks for listening

[chatterbug]

Hi MT21 go read my stitch. I do not know why but I think there is going to be some very similar parts in it. Just read the first two pages.

Do you love your wife ?

Are you willing to fight for your marriage and your daughters?

If there is another man, is it a deal breaker?


First things first.

Stop doing what your doing right now. No booze at all the next little while. Lots of water.

You need to screw your head on straight. You also need to keep yourself busy.

Now answer those questions.

Also add in any details like how else your wife changed. Appearance, weight , exercise, 180's , staying out late, perhaps a mentor at work .... etc....

It will help with your situation.

If you suspect the OP. Do not reveal it until you have proof. Gut feelings is usually enough. But you need proof.

So emails, facebook all that. Web browsing history. Check it all.

Does she guard her blackberry or phone?

If not you need to look at it.

If your computer smart you can just back it up to the computer.

You also need to start acting like the WAS your self.

But please do answer the questions.

DO NOT DO SOMEHTHING RASH LIKE LEAVING YOUR HOUSE OR BED. IF YOU HAVE CLAIM IT BACK.

DO NOT BE AFAID OF YOUR WIFE. SHE HAS ALREADY LEFT.

DO NOT TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

IGNORE HER FOR A DAY OR TWO WHY YOU WORK THIS OUT.

We can help if you want to help yourself.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Is there another man? she says no..but how can you tell?

In all likelihood, yes. And if there is, you can be 100% sure she'll lie about it. The sooner you can wrap your brain -- and your heart -- around this probability, the less devastated you'll be later.

As Cutter says above, you need to find out for sure, before doing ANYTHING.

"Trust -- but verify."

-- Ronald Reagan


Puppy

[sandi2]

Are you an idiot for loving your W no matter how much she hurts you? No.....but you may be if you tolerate bad treatment from her. That is what we might be able to help you with.

You said you were shocked and that the two of you could have at least "talked". Are you like some H who the W tried to tell him how unhappy she was....but he didn't hear her? After nothing happen and she got quiet about it then you thought everything was fine again, but the truth was that she had made up her mind the M was done. Think about it. Do you remember her trying to tell you before?

It could be due to a lot of stress. It is horrible how young W/mothers are put through so much stress that their number one death is caused by heart attacks. Before womens lib hit the society pages, you never heard of it. Best change the subject before some young woman comes to chop my ears off about that....thinking I'm not in favor of "equal rights".

I think it is great that you have laid the bottle down. I think that it's great you are helping out with the house. This may be a couple of ways that could give her some signs of encouragement.....if she was looking for some. However, she has given you the ILYBNILWY speech....so I don't think she's looking for changes, promises or anything else except "out". Tell me, has she asked you to stop drinking before.....and did you always promise her you would? I hope you will....but if you are doing it to keep your W from leaving, I'm afraid that alone will not cut the mustard this time.

I have a feeling that she's lost any attraction for you and also respect...and that's why she feels no love in her heart. If you can give us some more details about your R then that will help us.

The first thing you need to tackle is self-respect and getting that bottle put up is the best place to start. That will probably be your toughest, also. Take a day at a time....and take what you can deal with at the pace you can handle. Make yourself a list of things that you could do that would cause you to feel better about yourself.

The reason I'm saying this is b/c if your self-esteem is hurting, there is a good chance her respect for you is very low, if not completely shot. You have to have her respect before anything else will develop. For a woman, the most important thing is to respect her H...then, she will feel attracted and strat feeling that love in her heart.

The reason you were told not to leave your home or marital bed is b/c you must maintain your position as the man of the home/family. If you leave, most courts look down on the man leaving his family. If you leave your marital bed, that is as if you are the guilty party. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, let her get another bed...that's her problem. If she wants a S, let her leave, that's her problem. Listen carefully here....in the past her problems were your problems b/c you were her H and that's just how it is in a MR. However, at this point you allow her problems to be hers and not your....okay? That's very important, and you will come to understand why more and more as we go along.

Remember to be the head of your home, be the leader, and don't take her "stuff" when she starts slinging. Don't be a bully, and if there are issues of any type of abuse.....stop it now or kiss her goodbye. You will find that the more honest you are with board members, the better we all can help you. Thanks for telling us about the drinking. You will find a lot of support here on the board. Read other threads and reach out to them to help build up your support group. Come back as often as possible b/c that helps to keep people interested and updated in your stitch.

Take care of yourself. That is so important!

Sandi

[Gardener]

"Trust -- but verify."

= "Don't trust"

[motherof3]

MT21,

So sorry to find you here, but you have come to the right place. There is much knowledge here. Read and you will find. The people who have posted on your thread know what they are talking about. Their advice is golden.

Mo3

[MT21]

Ok, Wow where can I start..

Another Man no I dont think so, but I understand there could be.
She has more business trips lately, They are genuine. However the same colleague (Male 24) always go's with her.(but that dont mean anything)
She talks about him freely and in chit chat, but never really given any hints that she is doing anything.(I am fairly certain she isnt)
Phone, never guarded her phone but since breaking the news always takes handbag + personals to bed with her.Never lying around.
She is sleeping in spare room.

Drinking, Yes but let me be clear I am not a drunk. I have a responsible, well paid job. Yes I have made a lifestyle choice to stop drinking. (For me)

Do I love my wife, 100% Yes. Always have always will..

Is another man a deal breaker...Thats gonna really hurt and it will take time to heal... But marriage is two way so I am partly responsible for her feeling thats the solution . I love her regardless.

In terms of my wife..She put on a considerable amount of weight after our second child. 50LBS. It didnt matter to me I loved here anyway.

But she got to grips with it..Lost it all and more now shes about 126lbs (I think) all in..V.Attractive, well dressed always fashionable. And takes a massive amount of care over her appearance. This has not changed recently. No more no less.

Respect..Yes she probably has lost respect for me..But so I have I. I see it so why not her. (my eyes are now open)

Relationship...No planning, no energy recently just coasting (in hindsight) This is from both sides.. Its not like shes been complaining and I just ignore.

I must admit this morning I broke down in front of her..It wasnt pretty and she offered comfort from a distance...Later she hugged me before leaving for work.

Thats all I can write for now...

MT

[chatterbug]

You need to stop breaking down my friend. Also I think you know who and what your dealing with here. How old are the two of you?


Stop with the R talk.

Its time to prepare yourself. Reread the advice given here. And then you need to go read some other threads.

Then you have to decide what you want to do.

Then let us know if you want help.

Some of the other heavy hitters will join in here once you decide you want to help yourself. You will see a common theme coming at you from all of us.

This is the first step.

You need to start respecting yourself again.

[MT21]

You need to stop breaking down my friend:- Agree, but I am not a robot either, it hurts like hell.

So heres what I did today.

Saw a Doctor about some of my habits, smoking...Got some pills and made a commitment to stop...D-Day next Tuesday.
Talked about the drinking a bottle of red a day..Now behind me and I am coping really well nearly two weeks...Its not an issue for me.
Got an appointment for myself with a bearevement councillor.
Ordered some carpet and paint for MY bedroom.
Booked next week of work for myself.

I was going to book an appointment with relationship councillor for us, which she agreed upon. (To figure things out, not necessarily to get back together:- Her words)
I decided not to, lets give her some space and let her make the decision by herself.

I have parents evening tonight she asked me to call after to let her know the news, (shes on business trip) I'll wait for her to call me.

So, as difficult as this maybe I am committed to myself.

There is a place in my life for my wife, but I do not need her in order to live.
I can only concentrate on the things within my control, clearly she is not.

One question: why do I need to know if there is OP? Surely that will make me feel worse..I'd rather not know.

Marital bed, house etc... still here no intention of moving.

Finance, still have joint account, if this situation changes then I will be forced to move.

Lets my find myself again. Maybe she will also...but her choice.

MT

[MT21]

Update:

So shes away on business, I had parents evening at the school, I thought I'd wait until she phoned...Knowing she wouldnt..Expecting me to make first move.

I stuck to my guns...But the children were getting more and more anxious..Can we phone mummy?

Eventually I caved and asked my eldest to phone..After a few minutes talking to the Kids it was my go..She asked for me.

I was quite short, she asked how the parents evening had gone? I just said fine no problems..(silence) so what did they say? every things good(I respond) (silence)and wish her good night.

I knew it hurt her not having the detail..and shes now thinking whats wrong with him?

Guilt kicked in 5 minutes later. I shouldnt use the children or their exploits as a weapon. I called her back.

Explained that I wanted to get them to bed and had had a challenging evening with them. She thanked me for calling, and said she would call me tomorrow.

What is that all about? She wants to go but offers to call tomorrow, and the next night..until she sees me on Friday..

Is she in or out? or confused about whats shes done? Because I sure am.

MT