So here goes again...my second post. Didn't get many replies the first time, hopefully I'll get a little more this time. I'm in really bad shape right now. My wife left at the beginning of October (she moved out). She is living with a friend right now. Things were not very good between us before she left, she was telling me over and over she was not happy with me and I needed to change things between us but I didn't listen. Suddenly she stopped saying that so I stupidly believed she was not feeling that way anymore. One night she dropped the bomb on me and told me we needed time apart and she was leaving. We have been married for 2 1/2 years, we never even broke up once when we were dating (we dated since 2004) and I never thought this would happen. I'm not sure what she wants because she never really tells me, she just tells me she wants me to respect her feelings and quit asking her to come home because she does not want to. She told me she wanted a divorce at the beginning of this month but then she decided we would work on it. The thing is we are not working on anything she never wants to really talk about it...she gets mad at me for bringing it up...I just don't understand. I bought the DB book and it gives a lot of good suggestions but it is so hard for me not to try to discuss things with her and tell her I love her...she still calls me everyday to talk and we even go out together and do things I just don't get it. Why doesn't she just want to work on the marriage and get back together? Why does she not want to discuss it? She tells me she needs space and time to think...all I think about is her. I wish I would have made it better for her and I am dead serious when I say I would change and make sure she knows I love her...but she won't give me the chance. Anyone that can give me any advice at all I would so appreciate it..I'm so lost right now.
I am sorry that no one responded to your first post. I am fairly new here myself.
Welcome to the boards. Sorry to find you here. Just so you know, weekends are really slow around here. But you have come to the right place. You will find many people here who are in similar sitchs.
Originally Posted By: bobby2087
One night she dropped the bomb on me and told me we needed time apart and she was leaving.
Give her the space that she is asking for. Whatever you do, do NOT ask her to come home. NO begging, pleading, questioning. Trust me, this is the last thing she wants to here from you right now. Do not bring up any R discussions.
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I'm not sure what she wants because she never really tells me, she just tells me she wants me to respect her feelings and quit asking her to come home because she does not want to.
Right now she probably doesn't know what she wants either.
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She told me she wanted a divorce at the beginning of this month but then she decided we would work on it. The thing is we are not working on anything she never wants to really talk about it...she gets mad at me for bringing it up...I just don't understand.
I repeat. Do not have any R talks. Do not even bring it up.
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I bought the DB book and it gives a lot of good suggestions but it is so hard for me not to try to discuss things with her and tell her I love her...she still calls me everyday to talk and we even go out together and do things I just don't get it.
Do not tell here you love her, no matter how much you would like to.
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Why doesn't she just want to work on the marriage and get back together?
If only it were that easy. This is typical of a WAS.
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Why does she not want to discuss it? She tells me she needs space and time to think...all I think about is her.
Give her that space she needs. You said that you have read the DB. Yet it doesn't seems like you have put anything involving DBing into practice.
It is time that you started to focus on you. You cannot control your W and her feelings. So start working on what you can control and that is you.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
This advice was posted on my thread. Read this and then reread it again. Not all of it may apply to your sitch, but it sure has helped me.
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathysing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
First, sorry you find yourself here, but it is a great place for advice and support. The weekends are slow, so don't be surprised if there is not much action until the weekend is over.
Second, take a deep breath, calm down and think. Trust me, I understand what you are going through b/c, like many here, I have been exactly where you are. What complaints did your W have when she told you she wasn't happy? One of the first things you have to do is a very honest assessment of what you need to change. I did not see anything in your post about what upset her pre-bomb.
Third, here is a great list of tips that helped me early on in my sitch:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathysing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not going to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
Thanks for the advice. I do understand the things I need to do, it is just so hard for me. I feel like I'm losing the thing that is most important to me, and I want to cry, scream, and beg her into coming back. Thinking that she should realize how much she means to me when I do this and in turn staying. Too bad it doesn't work this way in the real world.
There are many reasons she is unhappy. I was not very caring and loving...I stopped showing how much I cared. I just figured she knew. I guess I got lazy in the marriage. She likes to go out a lot and do things...I would not go out with her and her friends and she started to resent me over that. When all hell broke loose she said she felt very lonely for a long time, and while she did mention this I didn't take it to heart. What tears me up is that I now realize how much she means to me and how much I love her and care for her only after she is gone. It just boggles my mind how I could have been so stupid for so long. I just didn't focus enough on my wife and when she would try to bring it up I would jump down her throat and blame everything on her, it was just a terrible cycle. I wish I would have done things differently...
I just wanted to add one more thing...the reason I think the crying and begging and promising to change will work is because it always has in the past...I mean we would have our fights before and she would say she was fed up but I could always talk her down or convince her to stay. About a year ago she caught me talking to another woman, it was nothing physical just text messages and such...and she kicked me out for a few days but things seemed to be back to normal in no time and we put it in the past. That's why I do the same old routine because I expect it to work. This time it isn't. I never would have thought in a million years my wife would have been gone for almost two months now. I guess she just finally got tired of the empty promises to change. I really want to this time...I don't think I've ever realized before how much she really means to me. I don't even think about the bad times we had when I think about us now. Just wish there was an easy answer.
Thanks for the advice. I do understand the things I need to do, it is just so hard for me. I feel like I'm losing the thing that is most important to me, and I want to cry, scream, and beg her into coming back. Thinking that she should realize how much she means to me when I do this and in turn staying. Too bad it doesn't work this way in the real world.
NO, and I mean NONE, pursuit. And I'm talking about things SHE would perceive as pursuit.
Here's a fact. YOU cannot control anything she does/thinks/says. If you thought you could before, you were just fooling yourself.
I understand your worry and your thinking you have to get her to see how important the M is (again, you cannot make her do anything), but you have to stop worrying about things you cannot control. What good will it do? All downside, no upside.
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There are many reasons she is unhappy. I was not very caring and loving...I stopped showing how much I cared. I just figured she knew. I guess I got lazy in the marriage. She likes to go out a lot and do things...I would not go out with her and her friends and she started to resent me over that. When all hell broke loose she said she felt very lonely for a long time, and while she did mention this I didn't take it to heart. What tears me up is that I now realize how much she means to me and how much I love her and care for her only after she is gone. It just boggles my mind how I could have been so stupid for so long. I just didn't focus enough on my wife and when she would try to bring it up I would jump down her throat and blame everything on her, it was just a terrible cycle. I wish I would have done things differently...
Focus on changing the things you need to. But, what is the past cannot be undone no matter how much we want to hit the reset button. So, let it go. All you can do is change from this point forward.
I saw that you said you read DR. Have you read the entire book? You need to if you haven't.
This DB'ing is not for the faint of heart. It isn't easy, and you MUST be strong. Stronger than she appears to be right now. But, if you stick with this, you will find a better place.
