I woke up this morning to a message on the answering machine from H. All it said was 'call me when you get up, bye'. So, I waited around for a bit and called him.
He wants to come home tonight. He said he will clean out the spare room and stay in there. He said he 'isn't being a good friend or a good father' and he feels like a bad person. He said he was trying to be honest but sometimes that isn't what is best. He said he wants to be here for us and that he will listen to me. (?)
I told him I didn't want him to come home unless he was ready to work on the M or talk to a counselor. He said if that is what I want to do he will do it.
PLEASE HELP!! Where do I go from here? I realized after I said it that the M statement might have been a bad one. I am FINALLY in a place where I am okay living without him. We have a schedule and a routine. He got my e-mail last night and called the kids at 9:15 to say goodnight. I am happy he wants to be here, but I am SO SCARED to be hurt again. I was actually kinda pissed he would just ASSume he could move on in anytime he wanted to!
Is here here just for the kids?? If so, can we work on us even though the kids brought him back? How do I proceed from here?
We aren't going to be home tonight until after 10pm. I have dinner and a movie plans and the kids are going to my aunts to play while I am out.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Tell him you need some time and space to think about it. You are not in a rush to make a decision.
Then think about how you really want you marriage to be.
What needs to improve? Stop?
What issues do you need addressed about your H?
How will you measure the change?
What happens if things don't change?
What does your husband want from you?
This is a great opportunity to heal, make changes and move forward together. Be wise. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
He would be here all weekend anyway because I have to work Saturday and Sunday nights. The only thing different about him wanting to come home is that he would be here tonight too.
I will get out my journal and write down your questions.
I am fine with him being in the spare room because the kids are still in our bed. This will give me more time apart from him.
He said "I don't know if I was going through a mid life thing or what. I am not even thinking about papers or anything and I don't plan on thinking that again." But he was SO unhappy and didn't love me. Maybe he found out my sister wasn't going to go for him! LOL! (Ok, not so lol, but still)
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Thanks SD. I am not over excited right now. I am more scared now than I was a week ago alone. I am not too comfortable with the one month separation. It took him 2 years to leave and 1 month to come back??
I also want to apologize to those still going through this. Here I am getting my husband back in the house and all I can think is... why? I probably seem ungrateful.
I will continue to check in here though. You all are amazing people who help out complete strangers.
If anyone has anything else they can add, please do!! I don't really know where to go from here. Do I continue on the DRing route? Do I start fixing the complaints of the marriage even if they go against DR? He isn't back 'in love' with me so I am not sure how to act or what to do. It seems so complicated!
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
I think given the situation with your sister, you need to take a lot more time to process this. My spidey senses are telling me that he'll be out the door again.
Don't make a hasty decision. Take time to think things through. Be sure to honestly answer the questions that Coach posed to you. This is about what you want.
In my sitch, if my H wanted to come home. I would be very hesitant to let him right away. There are things that he would need to work on first. With that said, from what I read, it is much easier to DB when the WAS is living under the same roof.
Good luck and please do keep us updated.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
MO3 I'm so sorry. You will get your turn...just keep the faith.
Like I said, he never mentioned a M or being a H in his reasons for coming home so I am not too sure about this anyway.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
FWIW I let my H come home too soon. I let him come when he decided he wanted to come home. I told him the things I wanted from him and he 'couldn't promise' me he'd do any of them...
Well I let him move in anyway. He was there for the kids but not for me, it was obvious. And too hard to be that close together, but not be...together. For me anyway.
And he moved back out 4 months later. Now we have been separated 11 months and he is amazed that I am such a strong, confident person without him...
I hope you two get back together but I would do it on YOUR time/comfort level, not his.
