Spinning in Circles

[Tostada]

Im not really sure where to post, but I'll post here cause these are the threads I follow daily.

My story is posted all over this site. I fought for my marriage, though didnt do very well at it. Found out 3 months after D official that W had been having an affair at least 1 year before we were separated, with a married man.

OMW contacted me and we have had many conversations in the last 9 months or so. She also tried valiently for her marriage. In this process we were able to uncover all the details regarding their affair, all the lies, and all the mud. I'm not sure it was worth finding out all the information. OM has filed for D. My W has rewritten our past and says she never left me for him. This is crushing to me because its totally obvious. She had an affair, then decided our marriage was terrible, ended it, then forced him to end his.

So why am I here? I guess Im just looking for support. Im having a very hard time detaching, even though W has done terrible things to me. We rarely communicate, though we share custody of 2 kids. My main problem with her is she doesnt put the kids first. She puts herself, her social life, vacations, her friends first.

I am very angry at m W for putting us in this position. We did not have a bad marriage. It may not have been perfect, but she never put forth the effort to bring up whatever it was that was bothering her. The excuses I heard in counseling were trivial. 'He watched too many sports, never did the dishes', that kind of thing. All the while she was meeting up with OM in local hotel rooms.

I have pretty much gone completely dark with her since the revelation of all the OM stuff. I had two in person 'discussions' with her in which I went ballistic about this guy and all the lies she had told me. She did tell me at that time that she did screw up, but she loved this guy and they are probably going to spend the rest of their lives together. OM at one time called me on the phone to befriend me. That didnt go so well for him. He hasnt called me since and I have never met up with him in person. I'd like to remove his head.

What I am struggling with is she is still dishonest, disrespectful, and very selfish. Even though she totally treats me like I dont exist, I am having a very hard time getting her off my mind. I miss her very much and very sad she is with OM. But I know I cannot ever take her back because of the pain she has caused me. When I see her or talk to her it puts me in a big tailspin. I cannot avoid this because we share kids. I have asked her to not show up at my house out of the blue. She agreed that was wrong and wouldnt do it.

Then, there must have been turmoil with OM because I was hearing from her 'you dont care about me', 'why do you want to ruin my life'...that kind of stuff. She then started showing up unannounced for unneeded kid stuff. I surmise she put the ultamatum on OM to leave his wife, and he refused. I think she thought it was over....but now, he filed and they are like peas and carrots.

This past week was tough for me. She ignored the rules of the parenting plan and she went to Hawaii with OM. She set it up that her mother would watch the kids. Well, I am supposed to get the kids if she is out of town. My biggest problem was I thought my inlaws were supporters of me and were very upset at their daughter for her behavior. Apparently they are over it as they are supporting OM now, by gma watching the kids for them and letting W and OM use their place in Maui. To me its like a kick in the stomach.

So...I have tried my best over the past 18months to move on, get a life, etc. Im having a hard time doing that. I cant get over the hump. I cant get over hating what she has done and where I stand right now.

[newmama]

Have you been to IC? Have you started dating? (not to get her back--for YOU)

[Tostada]

I have not gone to IC.....and...I have not started dating. I had some chick totally persue me in a bar one night and I couldnt handle it...too weird. I think I could handle it now.
I'm not really marketable on the dating front right now, unemployed, two kids comin and goin....
I have a pseudo match profile. i like getting the top 10 matches of the day emailed to me. too chicken to do anything about it. omw was in my matches one day..pretty funny.

[P17]

Tostada, one thing you need to understand (as I have found out subsequently) is that your situation is NOT unique. We have all either been through what you are saying or been through part of it. You are in good company.

though didnt do very well at it. Found out 3 months after D official that W had been having an affair at least 1 year before we were separated, with a married man.

So you are now divorced?

OMW contacted me and we have had many conversations in the last 9 months or so. She also tried valiently for her marriage.

First thing is first. Stop defending her. She was / is having an A she is actually fighting for nothing but herself.

My W has rewritten our past and says she never left me for him. This is crushing to me because its totally obvious. She had an affair, then decided our marriage was terrible, ended it, then forced him to end his.

You need to accept this - all WAS do this. It's nothing personal against you.

Think of it this way - if you had had an A, how would you justify it? I know I would justify it by saying that W was a b*tch who never understood me, the M was horrible and not what I wanted, he beat me (yes, W said that about me :)) etc. The WAS rewrites history to justify what they have done. You need to get over that - easier said than done but treat it as part of the game they play.

So why am I here? I guess Im just looking for support. Im having a very hard time detaching, even though W has done terrible things to me. We rarely communicate, though we share custody of 2 kids. My main problem with her is she doesnt put the kids first. She puts herself, her social life, vacations, her friends first.

Yes, that's the way they work. I look at my situation and see that me W actually puts herself first before step-D although to look at her you would think she is the best mother in the universe!

You see she is on a high just now. The way I look at it is like a couple of teenagers. She is having a sexual or relationship high. She has an OM, she also has you. She is having sex that is, forbidden. She i shaving a relationship that is, forbidden. The kids are boring. You are boring. The M is boring. At least in comparison to this fantastic, unavailable guy who is probably 'the best thing she has ever had' (yeah, we've all heard it - no doubt she is happoer than ever too and her soul mate? yeah?)

She gets; to have sex with this unavailable guy and that EXCITING. She then gets' to come hom to you and the kids - that's just boring, but do you know what she does it 'cause she is a good mom and puts up with it. You're a bad guy and she is a better mom and she has to come back and see you, but she is good because she does it for the kids ....

Am I along the right track?

I am very angry at m W for putting us in this position.

All been there, completely understand your position. BUT that does YOU no good. The only person that wins when YOU are angry is the W as she can then justify why you are such a ANGRY sh*t.

We did not have a bad marriage.

In your eyes. What does she say though?

It may not have been perfect, but she never put forth the effort to bring up whatever it was that was bothering her. The excuses I heard in counseling were trivial. 'He watched too many sports, never did the dishes', that kind of thing. All the while she was meeting up with OM in local hotel rooms.

Been there. The excuses are only trivial to YOU. I don't say it to give you a hard time. I say it so that you can see that there are two sides to the problem. The other side is NEVER trivial.

I had two in person 'discussions' with her in which I went ballistic about this guy and all the lies she had told me.

Don't talk about their R. Been there and done that. It never works. It only hurts you and at the end of the day YOU are the most important thing.

She did tell me at that time that she did screw up, but she loved this guy and they are probably going to spend the rest of their lives together.

LOL ... sorry. Yeah, we all KNOW they are going to do that. Do you know why they will, because they are so in love after what ... a couple of months. I guess you have been married for at least 12 years (as you have a 12 year old son)? Yeah, they are sould mates. They love each other. Sex is great. The sun will come up. The break will be baked.

Tostada .... this is crap. We all know it pretty much. Affairs are based on lies, deception, secrecy ... how many relationships do you know that existed long term with that? Your W's R is based on sex, lust and what they think is love. Long term relationships are based on shared memories / experiences, LOVE (that is not lust), understanding, compassion and tolerance.

The A will end. The only question of it is when. A's, as I said, are based on lies. Once the novelty of the secret sex is ended and the realisation that your kids will see her at pre-determined times, she won't be involved so much in school, work or their lives .... it will end.

OM at one time called me on the phone to befriend me. That didnt go so well for him. He hasnt called me since and I have never met up with him in person. I'd like to remove his head.

Get in that VERY long line. The problem with removing his head is ... what does that do for you? I would like to really go around the 500 yards to my W's house, knock on the door and punch his lights out and stamp on his head. HOWEVER, your W is 50% to blame for this. So you would also have to do the same to her.

At the end of the day, she will end up being vindicated ('isn;t Tostada such a bad person, I mean he beat up my boyfriend for no reason - I am in love and he can't accept it - he has a problem') or you will end up being the good guy. Say nothing (incredibly difficult I know) and she will hang herself with enough rope. People who need to justify themselves will constantly try to do it and then people will see through them. Take the high moral ground, do nothing and let her hang herself.

What I am struggling with is she is still dishonest, disrespectful, and very selfish.

Of course she is. She is having an A. That's what they do. That woman you knew when you married is gone for the time being. She has been kidnapped, removed, transported or killed. Either way that sweet loving girl you knew is gone. You need to accept that for just now and hope she comesb ack. I say that though not to be nasty but to PREPARE YOU!

Even though she totally treats me like I dont exist, I am having a very hard time getting her off my mind. I miss her very much and very sad she is with OM.

I'm currently there mate. I totally understand where you are coming from you. The problem is that you need to in order for you to have a clear head.

But I know I cannot ever take her back because of the pain she has caused me.

If you thought that you wouldn't be here.

When I see her or talk to her it puts me in a big tailspin. I cannot avoid this because we share kids. I have asked her to not show up at my house out of the blue. She agreed that was wrong and wouldnt do it.

That is a good start. Set boundaries.

Then, there must have been turmoil with OM because I was hearing from her 'you dont care about me', 'why do you want to ruin my life'...that kind of stuff. She then started showing up unannounced for unneeded kid stuff. I surmise she put the ultamatum on OM to leave his wife, and he refused. I think she thought it was over

I completely understand you. She buckled and so did you.

Knowing what I know now (and you will learn) that is the LAST time you should buckle. Never EVER buckle when being tested ... she was testing you. And she will again and again and again. You see she has two men who love her. She has two men she can play off against each other.

Think about it from your point of view. If you had 2 women chasing for your attention would you not think that it was great and be flattered/ It would boost your ego, no? (be honest). That is what she is doing and she loves it.

....but now, he filed and they are like peas and carrots.

How certain do you know that? Remember they lie and lie and lie ...

This past week was tough for me. She ignored the rules of the parenting plan and she went to Hawaii with OM. She set it up that her mother would watch the kids. Well, I am supposed to get the kids if she is out of town.

Then you need to jump on that from a very great height and make sure she completely understands the plan. That was probably another test to see if you had balls. She is cake eating.

My biggest problem was I thought my inlaws were supporters of me and were very upset at their daughter for her behavior. Apparently they are over it as they are supporting OM now, by gma watching the kids for them and letting W and OM use their place in Maui. To me its like a kick in the stomach.

They are HER parents. They will ALWAYS support her. Would you always support your kids?

[Tostada]

P17, thanks for all your comments.

yes the update on my sitch is I'm D'd since Jan '09. She has been with OM since at least summer '07. He filed in September, his W told me. I wasnt defending my W, I was defending OMW. OMW tried very hard to keep her marriage. I turned her on to DR, but she had a hard time not allowing him to eat cake day in and day out. She wouldnt stand up to him. Now she has, but only after he filed.

W doesnt come home to me anymore. I live in our original house. She tried to have me tossed out, served me on my birthday, but I won that fight. She now rents expensive huge homes on her dime. She doesnt really participate in the kids activities much unless its on her time. when she doesnt have the kids I assume she's with OM.

I dont mind her parents supporting her. However, they never stood up to her for this nonsense and I dont think they should support this OM. And...they wouldnt support him while she was seeing him while he was married, but apparently since he filed, they seem to be accepting this situation. I think thats crapola.

She may have had complaints that didnt make her happy. My point was she never allowed me to recognize those and make adjustments. Just...'not happy, im outta here'....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The excuses I heard in counseling were trivial. 'He watched too many sports, never did the dishes', that kind of thing. All the while she was meeting up with OM in local hotel rooms.

I hear ya. The ones I heard, when my wife was having her affair, was "he spends too much time on his computer" (on my laptop, sitting across the room on the other couch from her, 8' away, watching the same TV show), and "he spends too much time at those damned ballfields" (coaching our sons). Boy; some guys are out at the bars, y'know?

Puppy

[P17]

Boy; some guys are out at the bars, y'know?
Puppy

But then that would be the next excuse they'd use. Or something else. Or something else.

I think the point is the excuses are only their to justify their actions. The actions are not taken because of the excuses ... IYSWIM.

[newmama]

I guess being unemployed does make it tough to date, but many women date men with kids!

I can only suggest that if you want your W back, you have to let her go and start working on you. Sorry, I know you must hear this all the time. But its true. I don't know if I'll get my H back but if he D's me, I am getting prepared to do that. Of course it won't be fair and it will kill me to see him every week but it will have to be done.
(((Tostada)))

[newmama]

Oh, I forgot to give you one story of hope (but it is weird for me and you will see why):

My WH's exwife left him suddenly for OM. She married OM. 4 years later, she starts emailing my WH telling him she made a terrible mistake and now has 2 kids with this man and she deeply regrets leaving WH.

ANd you see on this board, it does happen. Reconciliation after divorce I mean!

[bluerain]

Tostada, I agree that you need to be working on you and GALing and all of that, but I want to caution you on dating before you are really ready to end your M.

This person that you are going to be involved with could possibly think that this is leading to something serious. And I can be almost positive that you have some baggage to deal with before you go trying to start a new relationship. You can make yourself one heck of a mess if you start seeing someone while you are hoping to salvage your M. Not to mention, she could use it against you later in court.

IMO, dating is NOT part of DBing. And having made the mistake myself, I can tell you from experience, its a mistake, dont do it!