A little background: H told me on 10/4 that he wanted to separate but work on our issues in counseling. He said he was looking for a place to move. I fought him on that for a while, but then realized the situation he had created was untenable. He basically just used our house as a hotel - he would come home late at night and sleep downstairs, then would shower and change clothes in the morning before leaving again. Sometimes he would "hang out" with me during the day on the weekends, but I wouldn't say he was present. He would have the TV on and his headphones on. Finally he moved out on Monday (11/16). We had discussed finances and "rules of engagement" on Sunday. We established that our house was to be "my" house and that if he wanted to come by, he would need to call first to see if it was OK. He wanted to know if he could crash on the couch some nights if he was on this side of town, and I said absolutely not. That made him pretty mad - he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me if I couldn't "support" him.
Well, guess who showed up this morning. No phone call. I kind of expected it would happen since his condo is so inconvenient to where he works and where his friends live, but I wasn't expecting it this soon. I came downstairs and he was all smiles and tried to hug me. I pushed him away. I feel like he's just manipulating me and using me to suit his interests. I told him that he was not to keep using our house as a hotel room - a convenient place to shower (he had slept on his buddy's couch last night). That got him angry - he said if he is paying half the rent, he's gonna keep his key and be at the house as much as he wants, and that if I didn't like it I could just divorce him. Somehow that didn't send me reeling. Maybe I've been successful in distancing myself. I waited a beat, then asked him very calmly if he wanted me to divorce him. He stared at me and said no. So basically he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
After some stilted conversation about neutral subjects, I went about my business of getting ready for work. I came downstairs before I left and he was asleep on the couch. I just left. On the drive in to my office, I thought about my options. The only thing I can think of is to take his key off his keyring when he's otherwise occupied or go to an attorney and get a separation agreement in place (something he's suggested before but never followed through on). I think both would do more damage though - he would be irate. But I can't keep living this way either, constantly on alert for him to just show up. We're either separated or we're not. He can't keep having it both ways.
Can anyone offer any advice? We see our MC on Monday, and I plan to bring it up then, but that seems so far away.
Me: 30 Him: 31 M: 4 yrs; T: 10 yrs No children Bomb: 10/4/09 S: 11/16/09 D proceedings begin: January 2010
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hmmm he is on the lease? Legally he can be there unless he vacates for more than 30 days I think.
He is bullying you. Can you move out? Are you tied to a lease. Your right in the respect if you don't stand your ground he's gonna get worse.
That said, you need to talk about it with him, but not in the heat of the moment.
Or maybe you could start staying out and coming home to shower and see what he has to say. Do you have any place you could crash a couple nights a week. I wouldn't tell him what i was doing either.
Good for the Goose stuff, ya know!
Plus, honestly when people are as young as you and have no children.... (which adds a whole bunch of stresses to life)if your partner is treating you like this now..... what will he become later? You really need to think about that.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Amen to that! Please, give him some of his own medicine. You would be amazed at how well that works!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yes, he is on the lease and I can't change the locks b/c it's a rental. The lease ends at the end of Feb, so I'm tied to the house until then.
I don't have any close friends here - we moved to the area only a few months ago. He was quick to make friends (all co-workers), but it's taken me longer. I have started to build friendships, but I haven't confided in them about my M problems yet.
And believe me, I've thought about the fact that he might pull this crap again in the future. What if we had kids? Every day that goes by I get further and further away from wanting to reconcile. My family and best friend think I'm nuts for not walking away already.
Me: 30 Him: 31 M: 4 yrs; T: 10 yrs No children Bomb: 10/4/09 S: 11/16/09 D proceedings begin: January 2010
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Unfortunately, I think he has you between a rock and a hard place. It would be different if he wasn't paying half the rent, but b/c he is on the lease and is still paying, then it does make a difference.
On the other hand, you can always speak w/ your landlord, explain the sitch w/o giving too many details, see if he/she will change the locks and/or let you out of the lease.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Legally, there's not much you can do. You set the boundary, he chose to cross it, if nothing else he is telling you even more about himself.
Next time he says divorce him, you could call his bluff. Don't ask if it's what he wants, just say ok. Maybe even do a little research so that you can tell him what you need to get the process started. That will shut him up quickly!
One of stbx's unfair fighting methods was to threaten divorce... the time I finally said ok she backpedalled really fast. She went from being miserably unhappy to being content in about a half second. By taking control, you can disarm him.
I have to agree w/ Jeff. I have had more fun seeing the different things stbx does now that I have filed and "given him what he wants" than I did the first year and a half I was a miserable mess. I wish I would have done it sooner...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
