Hello all. Thank you for reading my post. I am at a crossroads with my marriage. Here is my situation I hope you take the time to read and offer suggestions.
Background
Married 15 years three kids (13, 10, 3). Marriage was stagnant for many years as we raised the children but we never argued much but never focused on each other when the kids came about. Here is a bit of the timeline:
Nov 2007 wife turns 40 gets boob job. Straightens her curly hair.
Aug 2008 - Wife gives me the I love you but not in love with you speech. I pick up my game a bit more and start making some changes. More house work helping out with the kids etc. etc. I also notice a big increase in her appetitie for sex. Before it was once a month now it is twice a week. Thought my "effort" was paying off LOL.
Oct 2008 D-Day for affair discovery. I move out for two weeks and come back because she wants to "try" even though she really isn't. My world is turned upside down and I have more self realizations about myself than ever before in my life. I continue to make changes. Rollercoaster ride begins. She takes responsibility for her affair immediately but I spew venom for a while and she takes it. Her parents know and her close freinds know. Whole thing as you can imagine rocked my world. I recommitted to the marriage to make it work but was in limbo hell because she works at the same school as OM and it drove me nuts. She refused to leave her job. W refuses to go to MC because she wants to go to IC. First sign she is not thinking about the marriage. Apparently the affair started as friends and in April 2008 became physical and they had a "summer" affair. For her it was VERY deep. She talked about soul mates and "magic" etc. etc. I could tell her mind and heart was somewhere else.
April 2009 I discover she saw him again and we seperate because "we are not compatible" as she says. She says it was just for work purposes she saw the OM. She is a bit remorseful about the whole thing but not really. She wants to be freinds and I cave in and keep my heart into it all hoping for reconciliation.
June 2009 - I find hotel bill when I go back to the house to pick something up and she is busted and admits it. I tell her I love her too much and care for her too much after all that has happened and I ask her to not call me text me or anything anymore. I need to detach. We are cordial when we see each other but for the most part hit and run with the children.
September 2009 she signs up on match.com and goes on a few dates (to get over the OM) as she now tells me which she said at the time she stopped talking to. Lie of course. This match.com thing really makes me detach and think she is in another world. Hurt at first but it helped in the end.
October 2009 - Fireworks REALLY start. I confront OM and tell him to leave the school or I would tell his wife. He said OK and that he resigned. He did not. He starts to turn on my wife and the cake eating cowards starts to turn on my W. She is greatly upset. I tell the OMW and she is obvisouly heart broken. My W is in utter disgust at OM but still has feelings towards him and the "magic". She opens up about the affair and tells me thing I neer heard before. She tells me she left the marriage to be free and spend time woth the OM because she loved him and not that we are incompatible.
November 2009 - NC with OM for 4 weeks. W decides she can't find strength and is very depressed and needs a break from the school (where OM works) and children and has a break down. She is still searching her heart and listening to her "feelings" regarding "us". She is self described as being very confused about many things.
Well thats where we are today. She is trying to determine if she can love me again and open her heart the way she needs. She did say she fell out of love with me several years before the affair and looking back I can see now where it happened so I do beleive her. My question is this affair fog or is there more going on here with an MLC (if it is) or is this truly a change of heart that will not be changed back. How do I deal with this. How do I interact with her. She said she stopped dating , which I verified. Do I act caring towards her so she has a shoulder to cry on. Do I still do the 180's at this point. We can get along well when we don't talk about the affair. She is truly still in La La land. Please advice or questions for additional info would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
I'll keep this short. Believe nothing of what she says, and actually you've already bought into too much of her crap. "Fell out of love years ago". Yeah right. Typical WAS script. She's addicted to the thrill and the fun of the A, not just OM. And she ain't ready to get off the fun rides for now.
Stop being her doormat and stop making excuses for her. You mention detach a few times, but I don't think you've taken even the first step in that long journey.
Decide on your boundaries and what you are prepared to do if she breaks them. Communicate that clearly, then detach.
Better posters should be in shortly to add their advice. Hang in there.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
If she will go with you, Retrouvaille could really help you. Check the website at www.helpourmarriage.org. But she really needs to be done with the affair.
You sound like you're handling things as best you can given the bombs dropped your way.
It's going to take her some time to get over OM. The longer the affair, the longer it may take. If she is NC with him, that is very helpful for her to detach from him.
I can tell you a few things from my sitch. I had an affair and was in deep. Lasted a few months and my wife finding out certainly helped to end it and get me out of my fog. I will say that it was hard to break it off at first, I was depressed and confused as well. It took me about the length of the affair to get over it with NC. It was selfish and a fantasy. 2 married people, both with kids...
The good news is that I woke up. I realized I love my wife, our family, our memories. And if we ever get the chance, I know our marriage would, could be so much better. A crisis like this forces you to think about things and make changes. I see it in all of the wonderful people who post here.
Hi dlor, wanted to offer my support altho I dont have much advice. Sounds like ur handling it ok, but do stop being a doormat.
Another thing that struck me is her possibly being MLC. Im not certain but I remember seeing other posts that this would be handled differently if she is. Someone who knows more about this will be along. I have no experience with it at all.
Read thru other sitches, even if they arent along the same lines as yours , there is loads of good advice in them and knowing that you arent alone is a comfort.
I hear you talk about boundaries but I am having trouble determining what those should be besides the obvious NC with OM. Back when we seperated I truly did detach because I went LC after I found out she was still seeing the OM. I detached by having my own mini/controlled-MLC. I did things for ME with out hurting others of course. It took about four months to detach and then oddly I could go in and be devoid of feelings when I talked to her and we started becoming freindly again, joking etc. THEN I found out she was still seeing OM after she again said she was not. This put me into exposure mode to the OMW and my W began to see what a cake eater he was. I got sucked back in again because she told me she wanted to be a big part of my life, and she divulged alot of information on the affair that she knew would make me angry and I could sense this was the true ending of the affair. But here I am not sure on how to proceed. I have become inconsistent again as my feelings have been all over the map since day of exposure. My wife mentioned something about it. I think I am now, yesterday and today, getting over the anxiety. Reading posts about fousing on the self really helps. I try to fix her too much and feel I am already fixed, which I know is not true.
The questions I have are this
1) what other sorts of boundaries should be set besides NC with OM. She may begin dating again on match.com (she said she stopped and I verified) and I guess I certainly don't want her to look towards me for emotional support in between her dates should she go back to them. But what other boundaries. I'm curious t hear what others have just to get a sense. 2)I am completely confused on how to approach the situation. MLC affair fog both? Yes I know focus on myself and I think I am finally doing that thanks to you all and the detachment is coming back again....slowly. Today she is flying off to Italy to see her sister and took a leave of abscence from work (where the OM is) and said she needed to get some strength back away from him and away from the whole chaos she has caused in order to get strength. She has expressed great dissapointment in her self for not having more strength. She is in Hell, but accepts responsibility for her actions, but she is also still a bit in fantasy world. Ugh...Very confused about how to proceed. She is very cordial to me and says she still cares and loves me, just not in that way and she is trying to figure it all out. I have access to her e-mail and phone records (without her knowledge) so I am 95% sure there is NC.
You sound like you're handling things as best you can given the bombs dropped your way.
It's going to take her some time to get over OM. The longer the affair, the longer it may take. If she is NC with him, that is very helpful for her to detach from him.
I can tell you a few things from my sitch. I had an affair and was in deep. Lasted a few months and my wife finding out certainly helped to end it and get me out of my fog. I will say that it was hard to break it off at first, I was depressed and confused as well. It took me about the length of the affair to get over it with NC. It was selfish and a fantasy. 2 married people, both with kids...
The good news is that I woke up. I realized I love my wife, our family, our memories. And if we ever get the chance, I know our marriage would, could be so much better. A crisis like this forces you to think about things and make changes. I see it in all of the wonderful people who post here.
A hat-tip to you, sir, for your courage in doing the right thing. Kudos.
