Tonight I went to go to bed, and he came in to ask me to talk. I knew it was coming... He apologized for arguing with me over the weekend. But basically the point of talking was to say that he is going to slowly move out starting next Wed, the night before Thanksgiving. He is going to stay with his brother 2 nights a week, but come home after work, have dinner with me and our daughter, and then leave when she goes to bed. I really thought he would stay until after the holidays like he originally said. I really thought things were taking a turn for the slight better. He came home and cooked dinner tonight, cleaned up, bought dessert, and we had a pleasant dinner. During our 20 minute conversation, I just nodded my head and didn't argue or voice any opinions. That is definitely not me. I definitely took hum by surprise by my lack of talking or arguing. Then toward the end, when it got quiet, I asked if he had anything else to talk about and he said no. He asked if I had anything, I said no, and told him I was going to bed. He just sat there shocked, I think. My question is, I know I have to let him go, I obviously can't stop him, nor did I try, but what do I do now? How do I continue to DB when he's not here or so clearly done with our relationship? Please tell me this is not the end and there is hope...
I just wanted to offer you a hug. I am in the same position. This Friday marks 1 month since he moved out. My H is also 'done' with our M. I am just taking it as slow as possible now.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
How do I continue to DB when he's not here or so clearly done with our relationship? Please tell me this is not the end and there is hope...
The same way you have been hon. Many of us dont have our WAS in the house with us. DOnt give up hope. Continue ur DBing efforts, 180's and GALing. Take care of ur little girl and yourself. And he isnt gone yet. Be busy. dont help him but no, dont stop him either.
How do I continue to DB when he's not here or so clearly done with our relationship? Please tell me this is not the end and there is hope...
As you'll hear repeatedly here, do these things for YOU. And he will notice changes when he does see you (and he'll get intel reports from the field. And remember, this is not the save the marriage site, it's the stop the divorce site (triage) Keep going, keep working. You will get strength and clarity.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
He is going to stay with his brother 2 nights a week, but come home after work, have dinner with me and our daughter, and then leave when she goes to bed.
Why does he call the shots? He gets to "act" like a Dad and husband without the accountablity and responsiblity. How confusing is this for your daughter? How does this make you feel? What's the point of staying with his brother two nights a week? Is his brother married?
If you want your marriage to work then this isn't a healthy plan. You need to decide how you want to be treated. You just gave your husband a free pass to ask for whatever he wants with no consequences. Imagine your daughter as a grown woman telling you this story, what would you tell her?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I also agree with Coach. My H tried this tactic too. He would come home after work and stay through dinner then leave. We both knew it wasn't working. It was killing me to see him leave every night and it was just plain stupid. Things are MUCH better now that he just goes to his sisters, no stops home. If he wants to leave then he needs to leave. This is what D is like. No happy home a few hours a week. If he wants out he needs to get used to what 'out' is like.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
My WAW is moving out December 1st. She has signed a one year lease on an apartment and bought furniture etc. This is a more permanent step than staying with family and friends etc. But..I never fought the move at all. In fact, I made it too easy for her.
She also plans to move out "slowly" in December. I am allowing some of that, since we are going on family vacation at XMAS time and want to make sure that goes as well as possible. But even through December I am going to set boundaries. I am 100% guilty of letting her cake eat, but am finally starting to change that.
In January, I am going to still allow her access to the house in order to see the kids in their comfort zone, but there will be virtually no interaction between us. She claims she needs "space" and she is going to get it. I need the time to figure out what I really want.
If someone really does not want to be with us, I think it's best just to let them go. It's taken me a long time to get there, but that is the reality. Try to find an arrangement that works for you and your kids and still recognizes that he is human.
Stopping by to offer you some encouraging words. My H lives 14 hours away and says he is done with the M also. I found this site after he left and I don't know where I would be without it. I have gotten better with handling my sitch and have gal in the process. Focus on you and your daughter and when things seem bleak, know that eventually you will be okay. Be encouraged.
Me:34 H:34 D:7 D:6 D:3 T:20years M:10years Bomb: Feburary 2009 Separated: May 2009 EA confirmed March 2010
So I'm wondering if I'm reading too much hope into something that's not there, or if this is a good sign. Prior to this week, husband was adamantly not coming to Christmas Eve with my family not even for my daughter's sake. He said he feels uncomfortable around my family, and has not talked to them since this has all started. This week he told me he will not come to Thanksgiving, but he will come to Christmas Eve for our daughter's sake. Has anyone else ever experienced a shift like this and is it a good thing or do you really think he's just doing it for daughter's sake?
