Just thought I should post this, (thanks Chel for the link!)
Stages of Victim Development/Cycle of Revenge Olga Botcharova (2001) Adaptations by Nancy Good Sider
Injury—Bomb Drop Pain Shock Panic Denial Realization of Loss Denial Continues Suppression of Grief & Fears Common Survival Mechanisms Help Pace & Adjust Avoid Pain, Grief and Confronting Fars Anger: "Why me?" Blames Aggressor Sense of Victimhood Solidifies Justice & Revenge—The Need to Destroy Fails to Heal Becomes Even Instead of Gets Even Mytho-History Rewrite Story: Define Heroes & Villains Reinforce Innocence Deny Responsibility Dehumanize Aggressor Justified Aggression Roles Change: Victim to Aggressor
Injury—Bomb Drop There is a numbness; panic yields paralysis as sudden fear overrides emotions and self-help becomes limited. Shock paralyzes; it is a freezing of motion, an inability to move for fear of loss. Denial, though encouraging emotional suppression, allows for basic functioning, slowing the rate of pain absorption. Bomb drop was not an isolated incident, but the beginning of an ongoing traumatic process.
Realization of Loss Loss overwhelms. It is the fear of bleak unwanted reality settling into one’s depths. The future is a wasteland, unknown, feared for what it lacks and for its mysteries. The fear is both for the unknown that lies ahead as well as the previous known future that is no more.
At this point there are two paths: Suppression or Expression of grief and fears. To express is to break away from the cycle of revenge toward reconciliatory healing. Suppression continues toward revenge. It is important to note that one can break free from this cycle at any point and accept grief.
Suppression of Grief & Fears Denial continues to increase throughout the cycle—suppression is impossible without it, cycling from emotional paralysis to manic outbursts. The realities of survival exacerbate this—life continues regardless of personal trauma. Life intrudes, creating the need to stifle grief and emotion for public survival—the mask of the persona. The needs of children, work, finances etc. do not lie dormant. Additional trauma continues through continued injury—MLCer tantrums, threats, legal action…
But there is an irony in stifling grief—deal with life now and grief later. In living and surviving for the well-being of others, you are digging yourself a martyr’s grave. Suppression does not eliminate grief; it conceals it away in dark places to fester and multiply like a cancer.
Anger: “Why me?” Anger and Grief are both valid emotions in need of release. To suppress grief is to intensify anger toward unhealthy rage directed at the betrayer and associates and possibly bystanders. The roots of becoming a victim grow with Why Me?
Justice & Revenge – The Need to Destroy Rage survives on destruction. There is a misconception among victims that revenge will heal—instead, it yields self-perpetuating rage. Neither Justice nor Revenge will restore to previous conditions. The source of pain lies within each individual, and thus healing also lies within. Failure to heal is inevitable when a person seeks to destroy pain through external means. Revenge yields greater victim-trauma as the victim yields to and subsequently recognizes the Monster Within—she becomes even; this is the unexpected by-product of revenge.
Mytho-History Stop for a moment. Until this point, I have been showing you the path you as the Betrayed may be taking toward Revenge and Victimhood—I will return to that briefly. Look now toward your MLCer. You have experienced rewritten history—you had a bad marriage; he has been unhappy for five years, ten years, since a year before your wedding; he was coerced into marrying you, but chose to stayed married and seemed happy for 20 years; it is all your fault. Step six is about rewriting history. Look back for a moment and overlay the preceding steps on the journey your MLCer has taken thus far. Step 1 represents the trigger 12-36 months pre-Bomb. He suppressed his grief, and became caught in the cycle leading toward Revenge and Victimhood.
Your trigger point and cycle began later at Bomb Drop. Initially you may have believed his projections of blame. But this is not your fault. You were neither perfect nor were you a Monster—he has demonized you. Since you are not worthy of humanization, hurting you is acceptable—justifiable, and thus he is innocent rather than responsible.
How many of you reading this are (or were) married to Shithead, Nutcase, Peabrain—pick an insult? Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself Have I become even?
Rewriting history is about mythologizing your story to create heroes and villains from fallible humans.
Justified Aggression The victim justifies aggression, labeling the recipient a demon. She has now become the aggressor—become even. It becomes a dance of interchanging roles.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forgiveness is a personal journey, a process rather than a cognitive decision—which is merely an initial step in the process. It recognizes the failings of others as a reflection of shared humanity—empathy. It restores harmony and balance if not externally, then internally. It releases control, taking personal responsibility for Self and allowing others to choose or deny Forgiveness on their own. It creates a safe place for repentance and confession without judgment—though these may not happen.
Kalni- Thanks for posting this. My heart is trying to deal with my own emotional response to being lied to over and over.
This raises two great questions ... how does one express grief in a healthy way? Since repression of the grief leads to all sorts of things that, ironically, are what our MLC spouses have done.
Secondly, if forgiveness is not a cognitive moment, but a process ... how do we stay on that path? It seems easy to think I've forgiven what has happened, but my heart is sneaky that way.
I wish I knew the answers myself. I've been lied to, for almost 3 years. That's what I am struggling with right now.
My H wants to reconcile. At least that's what he says. We have no chance unless I find the way to forgive him. What helps, is to think of how sometimes people get vulnerable and make mistakes. What helps me, is to think of mistakes I've made during R prior to my M. I am making progress -sometimes- when I look at him as a weak, human. In my case, that's huge, I always took his honesty for granted until all this mess started. I have to "take him down" before I can look him in the eye again... K
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
