Hi all. Woke up early, H was on his way out. Said he promised a buddy at work to do the gym thing each morning for 1 week. On his way out, he asked me if I was going to be around today. I said I would and he asked me to be available for an hour to "talk". He said "just about normal things".
Im going crazy inside wondering...what its all about. Im shaking, feel ill to my stomach. We never talked in the daytime about "us" and I know he wants out. It could be financial stuff...who knows. We have not been speaking much for 2 days now. Im terrified
Questions:
- should i just be my totally normal self w/ him? Or apply the techniques i have picked up thus far? such as agreeing w/ him on all accounts etc (reverse psychology). Or, just be me what ever that is? Im so tired, scared and nervous. I dont want to screw up more.
- H agreed w/ me the other night that before we considered D, we would 1) he would go to IC, 2) I would go to IC and 3) we would finish the Imago exercises. (well, the recent text from him indicated he is not willing to do "no more Imago B.S.". Q: Should I bring this up with him today if he asks for divorce to move forward? (that he is breaking this promise? I even have a written statement that he would "finish all the exercises")
- If he brings up the divorce, should I tell him I wish for a "Controlled Separation" first? I am going to try to get that book and read details before he comes back.
I need advice. I can not think for myself right now. Thank you. Lots of prayers too. Thanks
A general rule-of-thumb in these talks is "OFFER nothing; EXPECT nothing." Just LISTEN.
For starters (and you're going to have to settle down and control yourself to be able to do this), I would NOT recommend that you be available at his first beckon call. "Gee, today's not good for me -- I've got something I need to do. Tomorrow I got a thing, too. How about Thursday? We could meet for lunch?"
Secondly, when you do talk to him, I'm not sure where you got "reverse psychology" advice from, but it's not from DB/DR. We are supposed to VALIDATE our spouse's feelings, not necessarily always AGREE with them. "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "That must be hard to feel that way," or simply "I hear you." You can also say things like "I agree; this has been hard on BOTH of us." But you should NOT agree with anything that's bullshit.
Thirdly, YOU DO NOT NEED TO AGREE TO ANYTHING in this talk. "Wow; I'm really sorry you feel that way. It sounds like we both have some thinking to do, and some decisions to make. I'm not going to be rushed into this, however -- this is very important, obviously. We'll have to talk further about this."
I'm not familiar with your sitch; have you seen an atty yet?
My heart goes out to you. Ive been there and I know its painful. Puppy gave you great advice. Puppy is right on tho, dont be avaiulable while youre spinning like this, then when youre not, dont be exactly available at his whim either. Im not a big fan of reverse psychology because that still has to do with some kind of control and you just cant control anyone but yourself.
Do something today to calm yourself. Whatever that is, do it. Take care of you you you you you!!!!
he asked me to be available for an hour to "talk". He said "just about normal things".
What are "normal things?" I assume separation, divorce, custody, and division of assets and debt are not normal conversations in your household. If the conversation deviates from the "normal," I would just say "I really don't want to have this conversation now" and if it becomes to much for you you are free to say "Conversation Over" and walk away.
