My husband and I have been dating 9 years, married for 6; have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. Labor Day weekend this year, he told me he loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. He agreed to go to counseling, which we did for 3 weeks before I then found out there was another woman-his girlfriend from college, who he had a child with in college but put up for adoption. Once he told the counselor that he never loved me and he was done, she said, brace yourself, “Ok, there’s nothing more I can do for you.”! He has had 2 relationships in his life, me and her. He recently wanted to find his other daughter who he hasn’t seen or heard about in over 12 years. I truly believe in finding her, his emotions for his ex came up and he is struggling through a mlc. He just turned 35, had minor surgery, had a revelation of finding his other daughter, and things have not been perfect in our marriage. Once our daughter was born, we neglected our relationship. I went through post partum depression as well. His ex is also going through divorce right now, and I want to believe they are both just vulnerable. He is claiming that he never loved me in the 9 years we were together, he’s always loved her, and he just settled for me because he didn’t want to be alone. He hasn’t left our home yet, but has said he was thinking of staying with his brother a few nights a week. When he first told me, I freaked and went through all of the emotions, anger, hurt, sad, begging, apologizing, you name it. Then about a week later, I pulled myself together and found Divorce Remedy. I am so hopeful in reading the book and the posts on here. I feel as if Michele was in our house with all the things she said, they ALL hit home. I have been trying to be nice, and follow all of the steps. I went out last week after dinner, something I would have NEVER done, but he never even asked where I was going! This weekend, he told me again he wanted to go to his brothers and that he wanted to talk tonight about what we were going to do. We haven’t talked yet in the past 3 weeks since I found out about the affair, about what was going to happen. A week ago, I wrote him a letter because every time we talk, he ends up turning whatever I’m saying around to be my fault and I have to try to defend myself. I finally found the strength to say to him I am not arguing or discussing this anymore and end the conversation before it starts to get heated. I suggested him writing to me, since we can’t seem to communicate yet, and he said he would rather try to talk. When I found out about the affair, through my anger, I made hurtful comments to purposely push his buttons and get him angry and hurt. He is still holding on to those comments and is, can you believe it, angry at me! After what he did to me… the balls on him. I want our marriage to work for our sake and our daughters. I just need to know what to say or do tonight when we “talk”. I want to just listen tonight and be calm and not defend back. I want to say the right things to convince him not to move out yet, so that I can continue to divorce bust and also for our daughter’s sake. Please, any advice on what to say or do tonight?
None of us want to be in this place however you will find the people here willing to do whatever it takes to offer you encouragement, support, advice etc...
Glad you found DR, read it and then found your way here.
I only read DB however I am assuming that the theory is the same -
Don't give him any letter you wrote him.
I understand this is the way you feel and you put in all on paper but chances are it is to long, to full of what you will do to make this right, how much you love him etc...
Don't pursue him, if he wants to talk about the R, then let him come to you.
Originally Posted By: RefusingToGiveUp
can you believe it, angry at me
Oh yes we can all believe it - This is his way of basically making himself feel better for what he is doing.
Read the threads here...Keep posting, pay attention when the veterans come by (Coach, Greek, Puppy, Jeff, Gardener etc...) They are chock full of advice & information to help you wade through the murky first few days...
Breathe -
Take care of you and your daughter first
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I want to say the right things to convince him not to move out yet, so that I can continue to divorce bust and also for our daughter’s sake. Please, any advice on what to say or do tonight?
there are no magic words to convince anyone to do what you want. You can set boundaries, validate and have a dialouge like a adult. Look at what your MC told you:
Quote:
Once he told the counselor that he never loved me and he was done, she said, brace yourself, “Ok, there’s nothing more I can do for you.”!
His mind is made up. You only control your thoughts and actions.
You can't stop him from moving out, filing D paper or seeing his old girlfriend.
What's likely to happen tonite:
- he's going to want to continue going to MC
- he's going to drop another bomb, give you a laundry list of issues and tell you he is moving out
So how do you handle it?
Validate - I understand how you could feel that way.
Boundaries - I feel ____________. When you do ______________. I will point out when you behave this way. If you continue to do this then I will_______________.
"I feel disrespected when you go out with another woman. I will not share my husband with another woman. If you can't break off contact then I will help you pack your bags and see a lawyer about my options."
Don't let him turn it around on you, validate his issues. Then point out his behavior that is unacceptable. Stay calm, bite your tongue if needed, don't get personal, and call him out on his bad behavior. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I too felt that if I JUST SAID THE RIGHT THINGS to my wife, or crafted her the PERFECTLY-WORDED E-MAIL, or sent her some SONG LYRICS or something . . . I could get her to change her mind.
Unh-uh. Doesn't work.
All you can do is work on your own boundaries, and what you will -- and will not -- abide. Then, GAL like crazy.
Puppy and Coach rock! Listen to them! I am not so good at listening YET.
Do what they say, follow DR, and make time for yourself.
Me: 33 / H: 36 M: 10y / T: 14y 3 kids BD: 2/22/14 Live in separation 3/8/14 H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14 H moved out 4/25/14 2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Thank you everyone. Although it's not good to be here, it's good to be here. When I got home from work, we did the usual dinner, watched tv, and then he went to put our daughter to bed. He never once said he wanted to talk, and I didn't ask. Since he was the one who brought up talking in the first place, I thought I would leave it up to him to initiate the conversation. Normally, I would be the one begging to talk, but I'm trying to do something different! I should just wait for him to talk because he's the one who has something to say, and not push him, right?
Thank you everyone. Although it's not good to be here, it's good to be here. When I got home from work, we did the usual dinner, watched tv, and then he went to put our daughter to bed. He never once said he wanted to talk, and I didn't ask. Since he was the one who brought up talking in the first place, I thought I would leave it up to him to initiate the conversation. Normally, I would be the one begging to talk, but I'm trying to do something different! I should just wait for him to talk because he's the one who has something to say, and not push him, right?
