He's in the process of moving out today. I feel like it's for the best. He wanted to move out back when he dropped the bomb (variation on ILYBINILWY: "I don't feel anything for you anymore"). I fought him moving out for a while and was absolutely miserable. He just walked all over me. Then I took my power back and told him to be out by the time I got back from a work trip (11/5) - he said he had problems finding a place b/c he didn't want to sign a long term lease. His boss is letting him stay rent- and lease-free in one of his investment properties.
When we talk about our R, he's all over the place. I end up more confused than when we started out. When I make concrete steps towards the separation: giving him a move date, opening my own bank account, etc., he gets huffy and accuses me of wanting the separation more than he does. He wants some time and space to see if he wants to come back to the M, but if I try to protect myself and my interests, he gets offended.
His idea is that during our S, we will "re-date" each other. One formal date a week, a MC session once every other week, and maybe some "hang out" time on the weekends. That was more than I was expecting - I have a feeling it won't be that often. He's given me some big signs to hope for reconciliation - not wanting a long-term lease, wanting to see me, he initiated MC - but then he'll say something that makes me think he's already gone and is just going through the motions. Like him being adamant that we're not spending the holidays together or blowing me off if we do have plans. Him continually saying that he feels no emotion towards me is the absolute worst though. Sometimes I believe him and sometimes I think it's just a defense mechanism.
In our conversations, there's one topic that has continually come up: he always says he wants us to be supportive of each other. He said if something bad happened to him, I'd be the first person he would call. That just makes me feel like he's using me. That he can go off and act like a wild-n-crazy single guy, but he'll call the wifey to bail him out when he gets into trouble. Yesterday's conversation was especially bizarre. His idea of one thing I should "support" him on is letting him crash on the couch if he's too intoxicated from a night out to drive all the way to his new condo. I told him to forget it - that wasn't going to happen. I told him a 31 year old man should be able to limit himself enough so that wouldn't be an issue. Then he got all huffy and said it was just an example, that he knew how to set boundaries for himself. Then he accused me of not being supportive and that maybe I wouldn't be the first person he would call and that didn't bode well for our R. It just screams manipulation on his part. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just said I didn't want to be with a drunkard. His audacity kills me. I've managed to distance myself enough to kind of observe our interactions like a third party - that when he's not making sense, it's b/c he's so confused and conflicted and hurt. My PC told me a while back that he is ill-equipped to deal with his emotions and that's why he's bouncing all over the place.
Ugh. Any words of support or advice would be appreciated.
Me: 30 Him: 31 M: 4 yrs; T: 10 yrs No children Bomb: 10/4/09 S: 11/16/09 D proceedings begin: January 2010
Well you seem to be the rationale "adult" in the relationship and he's still acting like a teenager, especially regarding the "Crashing on your couch issue".
It seems like right now he wants to cake eat - have his free fun time but still be connected to you and that when you make arrangements to have your own life (i.e. setting up bank accounts) he gets huffy because he sees that as losing some control over you. I could be wrong but that's what it seems like to me.
It does seem positive that he wants to got MC with you, date you and spend additional time with you. That to me seems to be more than just going through the motions.
Are there any current dealbreaker issues for you going on right now, i.e. involvment with an OW?
Hi Allyg8tr- Welcome to the one club you don't want to join. You'll find all sorts of helpful people here.
First, have you read Divorce Remedy yet? That book is a great starting place.
Actually, compared to so many people that are early in this process, you sound quite good. In fact, I've been at this for 2++ years and you;re further along than I am. Kudos.
So, what precipated the ILYBINILWY speech? What sorts of issues was he having? Is there an OW or the hope of an OW?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
While you are doing a "little light reading" check out anything and everything on midlife crisis. Your H is ripe for the age, and sounds like he may be having one.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have read DR - checking DB out from the library today. I read DR in between him dropping the bomb and our first MC session. Found it totally by happenstance. Then at MC, therapist handed us a print-out of the 5 Stages of Marriage. I giggled to myself and felt relieved that I had found someone who subscribed to what Michele says. H said he agreed with what she had to say BTW - another positive. He thinks we're in stage 2, I think we're bouncing between stages 2 and 3.
There is no OW. Based on his behavior the past 4-5 months - late nights out, acting cagey, always on his Crackberry - it certainly seems that way. But so far his stories check out (I did do a drive-by one night and cracked into his phone to read his texts). He really was at his friend's house and his texts were all work-related and boring. I haven't checked up on him again. I just don't get that gut feeling. It's small comfort, but our problems seem to be organic and not b/c he's brought someone else into our M. He's told our MC he has no interest in dating anyone while we work on our issues. He knows an OW is a deal-breaker for me.
When he dropped the bomb, he said he had been unhappy for 2 years, but just failed to tell me. The recent bad behavior has been him acting out b/c he's unhappy - that's when I thought the unhappiness started. He gets that our communication has broken down. I wish he had said something sooner.
I have a tendency to control. That if I perceive a problem, I come up with a solution on my own and let him know what it is. He put up with that for a while and it just ate away at him. He wants a democracy, not an autocracy. I'm ashamed at myself for doing that. It was unintentional. My PC said I'm solution-focused to a fault: I want a solution NOW and he doesn't get any input. But now that I realize that about myself, I can work towards changing that behavior. I have to slow down and work on finding a solution with him. It seems so simple and obvious, but when my PC told me that last week, I felt like it was a lightbulb moment.
We both also have to work on voicing our emotions. He's uncomfortable with emotion, so he keeps his bottled up. That in turn makes me bottle mine up and act like everything's fine. Then something happens and it all comes spewing out, leading to a huge fight that doesn't get forgiven or forgotten easily. We both have to work on being emotionally honest with each other.
My PC and mom have both been amazing. They've been my rocks throughout this ordeal. My mom went through a D at a young age before she met my dad, so she has a lot of insight. Her situation was much worse than mine and a D was definitely the best choice she could have made, but she supports me in trying to salvage my M and not walk away yet.
My H is definitely cake-eating right now. It's hard to tell how much of it is intentional (anger) and how much is him just being lost (incapable of effectively dealing with emotion). He's going to need to find that internal compass - and to forgive me for my past mistakes - before we can really work on "us" though. Hopefully the time and space of a separation makes that happen.
Me: 30 Him: 31 M: 4 yrs; T: 10 yrs No children Bomb: 10/4/09 S: 11/16/09 D proceedings begin: January 2010
I agree with searching. This sounds like cake-eating behavior to me. Also, I don't think he would initiate MC and scheduling dates if he had no feelings at all toward you. Your H sounds a bit like mine, except mine has had 2 OW. I am trying to go dim, not dark. Perhaps that may work for you and knock your H off the fence. The others here are better at this than I, but I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
Me - Faithful wife H - WAH Bomb: Fall/2009 - PA/EA with OW for 1 year Both in our early 40's M - 16 years w/ no kids T - 21 years Separated since July of 2008 - H living with his mother
His behavior is so bizarre! The man who has been telling me - repeatedly - that he's moving out and it begins Monday (today)...half-assed it. I came home from work expecting to find his prized recliner and his personal belongings gone. The recliner was gone...and maybe enough suits to get him through the end of the week. No casual wear was gone. 90% of his wardrobe is still here. No towels, sheets, silverware, or cooking implements are missing. His laptop is gone, but he left his beloved iPod. Though I guess he doesn't need it since he can jam out to his music without earphones in his new place.
He had all weekend to pack, but he didn't. Granted, he didn't spend every waking hour here, but you would think a man hell-bent on getting out of this house would have done a better job at it. My mom is sticking with her theory that he really didn't want to go, but me calling his bluff forced his hand.
Still nothing from him on when we will have our first official date. Just some vague "sometime this week" nonsense. I'm not going to pursue it though. If he wants to ask me out, then he will. It was his idea anyways. I'm going dim and making plans for activities without him. If I'm free, I'm free. If I'm not, I'm not.
What say you?
Me: 30 Him: 31 M: 4 yrs; T: 10 yrs No children Bomb: 10/4/09 S: 11/16/09 D proceedings begin: January 2010
Dim, maybe even dark. He doesn't seem to be acting like someone that knows what he wants, does he? If you pressure him, he might decide that he does. So, quiet is good!
