I am So LOST

[2gthrButApart]

Hi DBers,

I've been a member here for a while, in Oct 2008 my H announced he wants a D. Here's my original post. Original Post

So here I am, 13 months after the B, thisngs seems to be going ok. Back in June he said he wanted to give us another try. Nothing happened the whole summer. Two months ago, he said ok, let's really give us one more try. So we decided to do the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness Program.

Things were going well with it, we were doing the work book, following along, and after listening to week 2's CD, he quit. Said he can't take it anymore, said listening to the CD makes him feel sick inside, makes him feel like his skin is crawling.

He's still home, we haven't tried a thing, we've just been "living". The past few wkes I've been really GALing. Going out with GF's. Making plans before he asks me to do something with him, not cancelling my plans when he proposes a new plan for us to do togehter. All 180's for me.

This Saturday things were going great. We had company over for a huge PPV fight, he was touchy, flirty, joking and playful.

Yesterday we get into an argument, b/c his phone buzzed and as I'm passing him the phone, I see it's a girl from another country he goes to to visit his father, and the text reads "I'm extremely upset, you haven't called me or anything, bye!"
So I call the number, and ask her why she's texting him, she says it was the wrong #....Huge coincedence if you ask me, wrong number from a country he goes to 2-4x a yr.
I ask him who she is, he denies knowing her, same as she had. Then tells me it's none of my concern anyway b/c we're not together.

We had a huge argument, he made disrespectful comments about me. I said fine, I've been nice our entire 13 yrs, now I'm done being nice. He said "Ok, let's just forget about today, come give me a hug" he then grabs me and throws me on top of him, and starts kissing me. He slept very close to me the whole night, even hugged me a few times, then this morning had an attitude.

He was in bed & asked for a glass of water, I said can I get a hug first? he said F**k that, I don't need the water. So I told him, "You'd rather die of thirst than to hug me?" and he said yes.

When I got to work this morning, he sends me a TM saying it's time for us to set up a plan, he really has to go. He's been drinking too much & is going to end up killing himself drinking if he stays living with me. I asked him if we can talk to night b/c I'm at work & I really can't do this at work. He said there's nothing for us to talk about regarding us. Regarding the girls, yes, but not regarding us. There's nothing left for us to talk about, I have no say, staying together is not an option. He then says It's time to move on, I know I am and I plan on finding myself someone new one day. (Maybe he told me this to hurt me?)

I said I told you I can't do this at work, we'll talk tonight, that's enough. He said fine.

So now I'm completely lost, and confused and have absolutely no idea what to do at all.

Any advice??

[2gthrButApart]

BTW...He has not filed yet, but says he is.

[sandycay]

Wow,

What a jerk to drop that on you at work when you are really powerless to do anything.

You can't make him stay...trust me ... mine left again on monday during the day because he was a coward and couldn't say it to my face nor our kids again.

I wouldn't beleive that about the phone... that's just silly. But it's not really what is important right now is it. Take care of yourself.

My H said he might end up shooting himself if he had to stay here. Of course, he was the only one who brought the unhappiness here but he'll have to figure that one out on his own.

He's mad cause he got "caught".

Sometimes you have to let them go to have them return. Sounds like his journey is not finished and he doesn't desire to work on it. Hold your head high and know that you have done your best and that's all you can do.

Remember to DB his idea... have a couple of those DB phrases ready..

or you can try to other approach which is

"yes I am thinking this isn;t working for me either"


I am really sorry this is happening to you and your family.. Hugs

[Augtan]

Wow!! Both of you sound a lot like my situation. My H and I are now divorced, but it doesn't have to happen to you. I made huge mistakes in the beginning, I still do, but had I had the knowledge I have now I might have been able to save the M. XH drinks in excess too!!

I would do my best not to let him move out, don't beg him to stay, but don't encourage him to leave. Just leave him alone, completely. Don't talk to him unless you have to and if he wants affection and you can stand to give it and then be rejected, do it. I continued to sleep with XH while we were seperated, the book said to do that, it was easy for me to do. Sounds bad, but it was, cause I love him. It would hurt when he would reject me the next day, but I could handle it. Remember nothing he says is really about you or hurting you, he has no idea what he is doing, but you shouldn't accept it, just walk away or end the call.

Something I wish I had been able to do is completely ignore anything to do with the OW and once he came back home to me I wish I would have never mentioned her again, not forget the affair or not work on getting over it, but not mention her. I called her "the wh**e" and would freak about her all the time. Wrong thing to do!! So, forget the text message, pretend you could care less!! Near impossible to do, but do it as best you can.

My XH is sooo messed up! He is still with OW, we live 700 miles away, we are losing ouu house (which we never missed a payment on until OW), he is classic MLC. There is always going to be huge drama with OW due to her XH and kid, she is going to have severe money issues from fighting XH...these are all things my XH said was the downfall of our marriage...drama and money!! So, why the hell he wants to be with OW with the same problems (of which both of those problems with me have been fixed), is beyond me! He just doesn't get it at all. And, the more I tried to tell him the more I pushed him to her, he even admitted that!!

Good luck, do the best you can and take it one day at a time! He sounds very messed up, that is even more reason to fight. My XH went from Jeckel to Hyde in a matter of weeks, I knew he wasn't himself and he still is just plain sick. I know that now, didn't when we were in the heart of it all. I'm still holding out hope, but also moving on. This is about me now, and I will be better for it no matter what happens!

M-39
XH-42
M-17+ T-21
D16, S14, D10
D final-5/09
still standing!!