Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Hi, I'm Mystik and I'm a co-dependent. I also suffer from depression, so that combination makes for some real fun times.

H and I met eleven years ago. We had an on-again off-again relationship for three years until H decided that he wanted to make a serious go of things with me. We got married Memorial Day 2003, and DS was born nine months later.

Right from the get-go our marriage was very up and down. It seems that we were on a different page from the start and neither of us knew how to get on track. Communication has never been easy for us. We reached our fifth anniversary and it seemed things were finally getting worked out, then two weeks later I found some stuff that really threw me for a loop and H just couldn't get over my reaction to what I found. In September 2008 he said he wanted a separation, the ILYBINILWY talk and moved out November 2nd. It has been just over a year, and I am no closer to knowing what my next step should be now than I was then.

The current situation: DS and I have an apartment, we've lived here a year. H lives with Tramp and her son, he moved in with them the day before our sixth wedding anniversary. He claims it's strictly for financial reasons he had to move in with her, because with paying child support he can't afford a place of his own and they got a 4 bedroom so it's just as friends. (Uh huh, and I own a bridge in Brooklyn.)

Shortly afer he moved in with her, he started making comments to me that he was glad it was only a one year lease and what was he thinking moving that far away. (His apartment was 10 minutes from me and DS, the new apartment is 40 minutes.) And he will bring up reconciling every so often, in a hypothetical way of course. He has never come out and said "I want to work things out", instead he says, "If we reconcile, there would most likely be counseling involved."

A month ago, October 16th, was the last time he brought it up and seemed to be really considering it. Two weeks ago, on Halloween, he said that he can't bail out on tramp now, not in the middle of the school year, he's committed to staying there for duration of their one year lease. So I asked him why he talks reconciling if it won't happen for another seven months and he apologized, said he won't talk about it any more. Oh, and the place he's living with tramp? It might be shut down and all the residents evicted by the end of the year, turns out the property was never zoned to be residential. He doesn't know what's going on with that so far, or if he does, he hasn't told me. So that makes me doubt the sincerity of his reconciling talks, is he just trying to make sure he has a place to go if the apartment building is shut down?

So while I know that it's better for me that he not talk reconciling until there is even a remote chance it could happen, I still find myself wanting to talk about our relationship, about working things out. I find myself wondering if I should just cut my losses now and file the papers for a separation, though at this point I guess we could skip the separation and go straight to divorce. I grew up believing in happily ever after, and that marriage was forever. But now, I've hurt so much that I don't know if I could ever trust him again, or forgive him the affair.

I know, this is probably not the best intro post but my head is still trying to wrap itself around the fact my husband left me a year ago and is now living with someone else. It still feels so surreal.

[TooLateForMe]

You shouldn't think about reconciling until he owns up to the affair/living situation. If he's still b.s.ing you about it, then no honesty can come from him re: his feelings about you. I would make him aware that you will likely file soon. Not a direct confrontation, but he needs to know that you're not waiting around pining for him.

As it is, he knows he's still got you as an option. Cut that option out of the picture. His tune may change if he loses his backup.

Seriously deal w/ your co-dependency. It sounds like this is the root of your waiting around for him to change his mind. If he gets booted from his apt and shows up at your doorstep, would you take him in? It doesn't sound like he's willing to do any real work, so don't wait around. Look for PROOF that he's changing and until you see that, keep him at arm's length.

[Mystik]

Thanks, Mark. I am working on my co-dependent behaviors, but when the depression flares up I find myself falling back into the former habits. And I am literally struggling my way out of another depressive fit right now, so the CD behaviors are running rampant. I do need to finish Beyond CoDependency and reread CoDependent No More, just bought highlighters yesterday so I can mark what really speaks to me in the books. I am taking medication and last saw my IC in early November. Unfortunately she doesn't have any more openings until December, but she usually has a cancellation and can get me in sooner. I'm going to call her tomorrow and see if anything has opened up yet.

Right now, I would sadly have to say that yes, I would take him in. I know logically that is not the right choice at this moment, but my heart has never paid much mind to logic. I do try to keep him at arm's length as much as I can. I literally have to curl my hands into fists to stop myself from e-mailing or texting him, but I do. I try to keep all contact I do have with him about DS and not let it go off that topic as much as I possibly can. With the frequency he sees DS, it does get darn hard to keep trying to let go, I must admit. Three times a week I have to see him to get my son back, and at least twice that many times I have to talk to him.

I do want to talk to H about this situation, to tell him that he has made it clear her and her son are more important than me and our son, and I can't sit around waiting for him and in order to be able to let go I need to file, so I'm not hanging in limbo any longer. In my head I have this grandiose speech where I tell him he cannot respond to what I say, he can only listen. Then I tell him how I feel, and sweep out gracefully, leaving him to ponder the destruction he has wrought. However I know that this is not some romance novel where the heroine says her piece and the hero spends the rest of his life making it up to her, this is my life which is far from being romance novel material.

[Gardener]

Mystik, your response to Mark notwithstanding (even with D & Co-D)

You shouldn't think about reconciling until he owns up to the affair/living situation. If he's still b.s.ing you about it, then no honesty can come from him re: his feelings about you. I would make him aware that you will likely file soon. Not a direct confrontation, but he needs to know that you're not waiting around pining for him.

As it is, he knows he's still got you as an option. Cut that option out of the picture. His tune may change if he loses his backup.

Seriously deal w/ your co-dependency. It sounds like this is the root of your waiting around for him to change his mind. If he gets booted from his apt and shows up at your doorstep, would you take him in? It doesn't sound like he's willing to do any real work, so don't wait around. Look for PROOF that he's changing and until you see that, keep him at arm's length.

Listen to Mark and do this!

[Mystik]

We have already paid for separation papers. At H's insistence we went in February to We the People and filled out the paperwork. They were waiting on certified copies of the court papers regarding custody and child support to file, and since I wanted no part of the filing I left it all up to H. I called WtP a couple months ago to check on the status because I hadn't heard anything in months, they said they were still waiting on the certified papers regarding our son, and if we opted to not file we would get a full refund of the money we already paid to them. I let H know during one of the reconciling talks he initiated that we would get all the money back of we opted to not file, and left it at that. So I may call again tomorrow to see if he went for the refund or if they're still sitting on our paperwork, waiting on him or I to bring in the custody information. Financially, I don't know if I could afford to file if he has gone and gotten a refund. So I think just gather information right now, and figure out from there what to do and how to do it.

[courts0818]

Hi Mystik,
Thought I'd pop over here to your thread. I see that we have a yr long separation in common. : ( So sorry! It is such a horrible place to be. I'm sure you feel like me - like you've been waiting a lifetime for your H to come home.

I agree with Mark and Gardener, there is no point in talking about reconciliation when he's living with OW and her child. Jeez, I know that is tremendously painful for you.

I don't feel all that good about offering advice since I struggle daily. But, it sounds like your H is just banking on the fact that you are going to be his back up plan - no matter what happens and no matter what he does. You need to change that up. Try 180s and activities that show you are becoming more and more independent.

If co-dependency has been the issue, do things that show him you no longer need/want him - or at least give him that idea by focusing your time, energy and attention on yourself and your son.

As for the filing, I'm clueless on that one. It's so hard to consider when it's not what you really want.

Have you tried any 180s/GAL stuff before?

[Mystik]

Still haven't made a decision on if I'm going to talk to him about my side of the situation or not. Going to bounce the idea off my sister tomorrow, see if talking through it with someone helps me decide. I did call We the People and got information on how to change the filing if I end up deciding to go that way.

As for GAL, I am very much a home body and the only times I could go out are nights DS is with his father. If I do go out H wouldn't know unless I made a point of telling him, and doesn't that defeat the purpose of GAL?

[Mystik]

This afternoon at worked I typed up a stream of thought of what I would like to have the cojones to say to H:

Have you ever thought about if you are being fair to me? I know I told you to stop talking about reconciling, but now I wish I hadn't because I don’t know what is going on in your mind anymore. Not that I really knew before, you always talked in the cryptic "if we" manner. But you never did come right out and say you wanted to work things out. You never did come right out and say you have broken things off with her. So I'm assuming that you haven't because you are still living with her. I had a dream last night that I tried to talk to you about all this and you told me that because I was pressuring you it made you decide to not choose me. That you felt you were a better fit with her as a couple than you were with me. And I am afraid that is what will happen if I do decide to talk to you about us. But then I can't help but wonder if since I told you to stop bringing it up you're waiting on me to bring it up. This is all so messed up. I love you, but I don't know if I can forgive you. I want to work things out, but I don't know if it is possible. I'm afraid if I talk to you about this, I’m going to forget something important that I need/want to say. But if I bring notecards with me, then I'll look like an idiot. I just wish I knew how you were going to react if I bring this all up. But I can't keep hurting, at some point I need to stop the pain. But I know that me telling you how I feel isn't a guarantee that will make the pain stop. It might increase the pain. But if I bite my tongue, who knows how long this limbo land will continue.

I'm not sure I'll still want a reconciliation in 7 months. I'm not sure I can forgive affair. How do you forgive a betrayal of all the intimacies that were between just you and me, then you walked away and shared those things with another woman. And I don't mean just the physical intimacy. I mean the day to day living together intimacy of sharing a home with someone.

You say you were working on the marriage before you decided to walk away. Really? When? While hiding upstairs with your cell phone, keeping it with him constantly? Then getting mad at me for not trusting you. Way to show you're trustworthy, being secretive.

[Serenity13]

(((Mystik)))

Have you ever thought about if you are being fair to me?

Sorry to say however this is not about you.

It sucks and it hurts but until you realize this, it will continue to eat at you...

I would say - Don't say any of this, do your 180's, GAL, act "as if" - Take care of you and your son otherwise the dream you had, may become your reality.

If I do go out H wouldn't know unless I made a point of telling him, and doesn't that defeat the purpose of GAL?

No - The GAL is for you not for him, not to prove anything to him, not to do something just so you can tell him, not to get him to see you are "better" then the OW...Just for you and you alone.

[Mystik]

Came right out and asked him about the complex, apparently it was approved for the rezoning so they are not going to have to move.

Right now I am 90% sure that I am going to say something. Just not sure if it will be in person or in writing through e-mail or something. Going to see my sister and talk with her tonight, and I see my therapist again on 12/7.