Update / In for the loooong run

[DavidA]

Hi Folks !

I'll be honest I haven't really taken the time to read to many posts as reading about so many situations like my own have a depressing effect on me now.

I will be divorced 5 years on Christmas eve and I am still DB'ing. I'm still living in "our" home with her blessing as it should have been sold when our youngest son turned 18 as he didn't continue his education.

I currently have 3 of my children and 2 grandchildren living with me for varied and assorted reasons. These are not going to be permanent situations by any means. But that's another story.

XW not only was and still is in a MLC of sorts but has been complicated by many addictions. To alcohol, and her second very abusive and alcoholic husband as well. Addictions being a very serious problem all by themselves when coupled together with an MLC add years to the recovery process as there are so many underlying issues for the mlc'r to address. Often times the weight of all these difficulties seems so insurmountable by the mlc'r that they simply give up and never see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

I got a life and only got involved with the X when she sought me out, which has become more and more frequent. It seems she has admitted her addictions to herself and is seeking help with a Christian 12 step recovery program and is doing some very difficult self help and realization at the moment. All the while being terribly confused as to why I have offered her unconditional love through the whole ordeal. She left her second husband back in June and has been living by herself since then.

So, what's the point of this post ? An update of sorts to anyone who cares, and to point out a very important point about addictions that need to be addressed more than the MLC symptoms first..... My IC made a comment years ago about this very subject and I was to stubborn to admit to myself that he was right. He more or less said he couldn't help anyone with relationship issues when there was an addiction of any kind involved. OK he was right ! I admit it and can now clearly see and hear the difference now that she is addressing her addiction problems.

Will she come back ? It sounds like she might eventually but I am not structuring my life on that possibility. I have my own life now and will have to revisit the whole possibility of her returning and what that means to us both.

In the mean time I'm off to the Key of Marathon in Florida in February / March and then over to Mississippi to visit my oldest daughter and her family. Life goes on with or without her.

So good luck to all of you who are here and I hope this small post gives you a little more information that will help maybe explain some of the mysteries of the human mind ;-) David A

[forward]

Thank you for the update. Very interesting....always insightful to read the "Five years later" part....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

David, that is a great post, very helpful to alot of people here.

Your dedication is inspiring.

[DavidA]

Some call it dedication, some call it lunacy. It all depends upon your point of view. I'm not saying I have been sitting at home waiting but I haven't developed any kind of a close relationship with another woman in all these years.

I was hoping to find another connection like I had with my X but something deep inside just didn't feel right with anyone else. Rather than push the issue with someone else I decided just to live my life and not put any particular emphasis on developing any other relationship and leave the door open for her.

Pretty much leave it all to God and see what happens. So far the signs I see, feel and hear tell me to stay alone and just wait and see what happens with the X.

It's amazing what you can find to keep yourself busy with out really trying ;-) There are times I can't even fit all I want to do in any given day and have to space things out.

Patience should be a four letter word ! Early in the game it's a very difficult virtue to acquire and learn.

Good luck to all !! DavidA

[DavidA]

Good evening,

I am about 2/3 rds of the way in the tank. God bless me I have had more then my fair share of the demon liquor and am feeling no pain. I have spoke to the X twice tonight when I was more coherent. The subject was the children and Christmas which has been a particular hot spot with me this year. My divorce was final on Christmas eve in 2004 which makes Xmas eve particularly difficult for me. Very mixed emotions and a lack of funds makes xmas a very difficult time of year. Couple that together with an anniversary date of xmas eve for a divorce and you have a formula for a very sad man.

Lord knows I should move on and have tried to many times but have been unable to firmly grasp the "ride out of town". As we all know this time of year is particularity difficult being xmas and all.

In the past few months the ILY's have been flowing frequently but now they have stopped. Please either shock me into reality or shoot me in the head to relieve my anxiety and pain.

Sometimes I think I am the worlds largest doormat and other times I think I am the shiniest white knight in the world.

So as you see I am not as together as I wish I was. The urge for a sense of connection has been growing exponentially with the passing of time. We are all only human and have needs like every other being on the planet. The urge to have a warm body to hold onto grows ever stronger with every passing day. Being strong with the apathetic attitude of the X makes it increasingly more difficult to continue the charade as time passes.

I have been gently challenged and taunted by family members and friends to give up the quest for a reuniting with the X and move on to perhaps brighter and greener pastures.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring ??

[iluvme55]

Reading your post makes me wonder if I will be in here 5 yrs. from now...still hoping and praying for his return.....I will be almost 60 by then.......I dont even want to think about that.......how can we wait for so long??? for the people who have hurt us the most???? just shaking my head.....

[peacetoday]

get a good nights rest tomorrow will be better
the drinking makes one more depressed
peace

[kjensen]

David,
Only you will know when is time to walk away. Look deep inside and figure out if you're still standing for your marriage b/c your wife is the one you want in our life as a partner, or if you're afraid to move on for some reason... just make sure you are as whole and complete as you can be...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How often do you self medicate?

AND I am suggesting it is not a good idea to talk to her when you are drinking.

As for family and friends, phhhhpt do for you, not for them in this matter.

[DavidA]

Hi all.

Thanks for the replies. None of us wants to be in the position I am in ever never mind in five years.

Am I afraid to move on ? Not in my opinion, but I will not move on just for the sake of moving on. It must be for a relationship that I can cherish and be extremely happy with. I have yet to find anyone that would turn into anything like this. It seems there are allot of messed up people in the world ;-)

As far as "self medicating" goes......... Around here we call it getting a good buzz on Not that often. Maybe 5 or 6 times a year. I am not one to try and drown my sorrows. That just makes matters much worse ;-( When I talked to the X I hadn't even finished my first drink yet. Trying to be articulate with alcohol induced courage is a sure fire recipe for disaster.

So, yes it all gets to you once in a while and you can use this forum to vent instead of doing it with people that are tired of hearing about your problems. Anyone who has never dealt with a person in an MLC can't understand what is we go through. They simply think we are "challenged" and can't move on with our lives.

More later have to run DavidA