My sitch--partner of 23 years announces he has been in affair; wants me to move out (I refuse) Currently living with new girlfriend. Read DB and DR right away. Have been GAL, acting cheerful, looking good whenever we need to see each other which is seldom. The trouble is, one of the main problems in our relationship is that I always was waay too independent. Didn't make him feel needed. Now I'm afraid that acting all OK, GAL, just lets him think "see, she never needed or really loved me. She's fine." How to demonstrate remorse, love, wanting to work on relationship without being too far in the begging, pleading world? especially as we are apart and have little reason to contact each other.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
On a scale of 1--10, the R is a 0, as he is happily ensconced in his A.
Too independent--he made it easy for me to take him for granted; I verbally resisted intimacy in talks about future of R, although I committed to a house, several re-fi of the house, talked about future projects. I didn't let him know how much I needed/appreciated him. We had very independent, busy lives. So for me to go about with friends, new hobbies, re-decorating, just makes it seem like "more of the same, not a 180 at all.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
No, I was very close with his father, and friendly with his mother. We spent Tgiving/Xmas with the family. Until the bomb dropped, we spent a lot of time talking about how happy and lucky we were to have built such a life together. Lack of sex was a major problem for him--lack of interest on my part. But he always let it slide, and I was always willing not to talk about it. Major lack of communication, until a willing girl came along, and he went for it. I would really have to say that our sense of happpiness wasn't just surface, despite the tension around sex. He really frequently spoke of his love and our wonderful life.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Do not look at the last few months. Look at the whole 23 years.
Then look at what you would have added to the relationship to make it perfect.
I do not mean to attack.
We are just asking questions to learn more about you and your relationship. So we can better help you. If you need to see where we are coming from, please read our stories. Offer your advice.
You need to know that as long as he is in the affair, he is gone. He is living in a very different land. His actions are very selfish and he does not care what these actions do to you. Nothing right now will make him turn to you. But you actions will chip away.
If you are already independent. Then your GAL will be very easy. As you have a life. This is a blessing. You can continue to live it and let this help and heal your heart. But to show you care, you say is a 180. So this is where family and friends come in. Indirect action is still action. Voices Carry. Do you get along with his family?
180's for you could be to read and learn about intimacy. Learn how to open up. You could show this in friendships. Become more caring, a better listener, offer advice and show how much you appreciate friendship. Show these to your friends and family. Lean on them during your time of need. And return the favour.
180's are about growth in areas that you find uncomfortable. Seek those concepts out and work on them.
And post away.
We will be here to help you.
P.S. This is a 180.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I have done more vulnerable/opening up in the past 3 months than I ever thought possible. I have asked for so much for my friends, and am looking for opportunities to rebalance the karmic wheel to return favors. I have chatted with his mom, and sent a "thanks for making me part of your family" card to his father. These reaching out for and admitting the need for help are complete 180's for me.
It is good to hear that as long as he is in the affair he is gone. I need to know that. Came home tonight to find a letter from the local bank addressed to the gf at THIS ADDRESS. She is giving our house (I am living here; they moved to an apt) as HER address. Clearly I need to look out for some quick actions he is going to try to take to buy me out and move her in.
But...to go to my question--not that I am not hearing your words of wisdom--even if he is lost in his affair--how can I show him my changes? As Coach Laurie says, keep the bridge between us in case he should wake up and have a change of heart.
Thanks so much-
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Sounds like our sitchs are/were very similar: together 9 years, never married, me overly independent (at least that's what his perception was), lack of sex due to my lack of interest, he found a willing girl at work. Ugh.
But here's what my DB coach asked me that really struck home: what were you like when you first got together? Who was the avermont your partner fell in love with? Was she independent? If so then that's not something you should change completely. Can you show him that you need and appreciate him? Sure, but not right now. Cutterbug is absolutely right, he is deep in the affair fog and that means he is only concerned with himself.
I will share a bit of my story with you in hopes that it helps you get to a better place quicker than I did.
At first, following my DB coach's advice, I tried to be the better person and ignore the affair. It was effective in that BF was shocked that I didn't kick him out immediately as I always said I would. But it was totally the wrong thing to do for my sitch. Allowing him to cake eat eroded my self respect and dignity to the point that I was miserable and dreaded getting up every day.
When I decided I had enough and kicked him out things completely turned around. My self respect returned and I decided that I did not want to waste my time worrying about someone who was treating me that badly. I was happily living my life on my own with no contact between us other than emails regarding finances. We have no family near us and only one mutual friend who I continued to see (she works for BF). BF was living with OW. I don't know what happened with him but after about five weeks of me being completely dark with him he started making noises about "exploring whether we could work things out."
So that's my long winded way of explaining that you have two options: wait the affair out or tough love. You need to decide what feels authentic to you and be prepared to act accordingly.
My advice is to work on being the best avermont possible. Do some soul searching, figure out what improvements you need to make and what makes you happy. Because growing as a person will benefit you either in this R or the next.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
hi avermont you sound like me, as well my husband and i both have careers that take us all over the country that is a big part of our problem......we were hardly ever together, even when our son was born i am actually just starting the process and after my horrible day yesterday, i realize that asking him for another chance (long distance of course) will not work i just need to be less available to him and to become my old self...the one he fell in love with, which, btw, is the one i loved being hope you have a great day
