This is my first time here and here is my story. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have three small children (3yrs, 7month twins). We have always had a somewhat rocky relationship with a complete inability to communicate with each other about our feelings and issues. There is no infidelity, substance abuse, abuse, etc.
About a year and a half ago she asked me for a divorce. At the time I had a great deal of anger management issues and agreed to completely change my life. That night i was fighting for my life and convinced her to stay. I went to some counseling (quit to soon) and decided to be a positive person. After a short time things got much better and i relaxed. We moved into a bigger new house after i got a promotion and we had the twins. Things have drifted apart for months maybe longer. We both have realized that there are problems but nobody did anything about it. I was depressed and scared to approach her.
She has now completely disconnected from our relationship. She says that she has no feelings for me, doesn't think she ever will, and has given up. She doesn't believe that we can do anything and its just dead becasue she says "we just don't work and we never have" She thinks we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I still love her and want to work on things so we can be happy and reconnect together. I am suffering very strong depression now and haven't eaten for days. Help
Have you read "DivorceBusting" or "Divorce Remedy" yet? There are important techniques in there you'll need in the days, weeks and months (yes, I said "months") ahead.
NO BEGGING. NO PLEADING. NO PURSUING. It's all very counter-intuitive stuff, but you absolutely need to follow it.
It sounds to me like you have a long history of dysfunction in the marriage, to which you contributed greatly. I'm wondering if that finally reached a point where your wife reached out to (or accepted the advances of) someone else. There are some warning signs.
As for today, get the book and EAT. You'll have to force yourself to for the next few weeks, but your brain is going to need the strength.
I don't think there is anybody else as there is no time with the kids. We work opposite schedules and she has all the kids during the day and i get them in the afternoon when she works. I don't pray like i should and i haven't read the books yet as i just found this site.
I just worry about not talking and pursuing as our inactivity is what led us here. She is completely detached and i feel if i let her continue she will just go. I am visiting a psychatrist soon and will continue to this time. She has said that i can completely change for the better and it still might not matter. I have lost 15 lbs in the last 4 days and just can't cope mentally as i have multiple panic attacks over this.
Without reading DB or DR, the pulling back WILL seem like the wrong move to you. IT'S NOT.
If you can't get in to see your psych soon enough, maybe your GP can prescribe some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds for you immediately. The long-term stuff takes a few weeks to kick in, so the sooner you can get on those, the better.
fyi, it takes ZERO time to conduct an online EA these days, what with FB and instant messenger and all. You may want to consider putting a keylogger on the home computer.
During my sitch, I prayed to God for wisdom, discernment and clarity. I would say "Please help me to see and hear what I need to see and hear in order to make good decisions to me and my family," and "and then give me the strength to deal with what I see and hear."
I was amazed at how He always seemed to lead me to what I needed to know in order to confront my wife (who was cheating on me, and I was afraid to confront her), but NO MORE than what I seemed to be able to handle at the time.
Thanks. I will look into a keylogger. I can't seem to get any meds immediately as all they will give me is something to help me sleep which i can't take because I have to take care of the kids at night (they still get up frequently). I just don't understand how a drifting apart (even though it is extreme and everything she says about us is correct) should lead to D. We have to much together to throw it away. Do they have online copies of DB or do you have to wait and get a paper copy?
My doc gave me fluoxetine (generic form of Prozac) to "even me out." I don't recall it ever making me drowsy.
She did also give me an anti-anxiety med to take IMMEDIATELY if I was having a panic attack, which -- fortunately -- I only need to take 2-3 times total over the course of my sitch. I forget what it was called, but THAT one knocks you on your ass.
Not sure if you can get the book online, but I'm sure the public library would have it.
