Well I have thought of that and that is the exact reason I have not done it yet. I have been secretly hoping that her husband is smart enough to figure it out and make contact with me. THere is no way in HELL that I will allow my children to interact with this woman. I will do whatever I have to in order to protect them. THat is why I have been so on the fence about what to do. That is why I am so confused. I dont ever want them to blame me for their dad leaving. I have been hoping that he would grow the balls and do it.
Married 3/25/95 Together since 1990 Me 35 Him 37 Two Kids Daughter 8 and Son 4
Well I have thought of that and that is the exact reason I have not done it yet. I have been secretly hoping that her husband is smart enough to figure it out and make contact with me.
What difference would that make? Exposing the affair could cause both of you to lose your spouses, regardless of who contacts who first.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I don't have children so I realize you have different considerations than I did about exposing an affair. But one thing I can say with almost complete certainty is eventually the affair will expose itself.
I learned of my H's affair in March of 2008 and didn't mention a word about it to him until late July of 2008. For the record he did move out of our home in mid April of 2008.
I personally found it more powerful to let the affair expose itself but once again, I didn't have children to consider.
Behaviors change radically when one is having an affair and eventually it won't be so easy to hide from the masses hence the reason I am a strong advocate of letting the affair expose itself.
I knew because of my H's radical change in behavior but I also had full access to his bank and phone records. Plus, he had some "friends" that were not quite as loyal as he thought. The kicker was when my mom and step dad went to a party THREE house from where we all live and some of my H's co-workers where there (my H and I used to work at the same place) and my mom overheard them talking about my H and his girlfriend. It just so happened that the people hosting the party had a daughter that worked with my H and in casual conversation my mom mentioned her daughter used to work there too.
I also ran into his friend "J" at Walgreens on the same night my H was supposed to be watching a basketball game with "J".
It will come out if you it expose it or not. I personally feel its far more dramatic when it comes out in an organic fashion but that is just me. When you (you = generally speaking) expose an affair IMO it just adds to the drama.
I guess I would just rather let him be the one to expose it. I really have no other reason than that.
If you're OK with letting your husband be involved with another man's wife while you wait for her husband to figure it out, I guess I can't say much more.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I know what I need to do. I have just been trying to get the umph to do it. I am so scared and angry and every other emotion there is. I have been with this man since I was 16. It is so hard to let go.
Married 3/25/95 Together since 1990 Me 35 Him 37 Two Kids Daughter 8 and Son 4
I am unclear... is your H still living with you? If so my answer might be a bit different.
My H knew I knew he just didn't have the balls to come clean. Once he moved out he was no longer allowed here and I only took his calls if he arranged to speak with me ahead of time. In a period of one year we saw each other 5 times and I went totally dark. Not that children hold a marriage together but my H and I had nothing bonding us other than our marriage which clearly he had no desire to be a part of.
He is the one that looked like an ass, not me. My H's GF still looks like an idiot because who in their right mind would sleep with a married man for 1.5 years and not wonder why they aren't getting divorced and every time a court hearing is set to happen it was my H that backed out of it. Idiots. Two people that needy and dense aren't smart enough to keep their affair under wraps for long.
Like I said though, it's an individual choice and circumstances do differ when children are involved or if you feel you are in danger of some sort.
@citygirl: Yes he is still at home. At this point I am of the belief that this is an EA. His friend pulled me to the side on Friday and wanted to talk to me. He said he knew that H and OW were txting and talking. He said that he had told him to knock it off and does not condone what he is doing. He told me that he was 100% confident that nothing physical had happened. We were physical on Sunday but have not been since. It was usually me that initiated and that makes me feel worse so I have not told him that i love him or hugged him or slept with him. I do make a point to kiss him goodbye when I leave.
Married 3/25/95 Together since 1990 Me 35 Him 37 Two Kids Daughter 8 and Son 4
Well, if he is still at home and texting/calling his affair (and don't buy the line that they are just friends and it's only an emotional connection because I would be willing to bet that is untrue) then set your boundaries.
H, if you choose to live in our home I will not tolerate you texting/IM'ing or calling another woman in our home, in front of me or around our children. If you cannot respect this boundary of mine then it's time for us to come up with different living arrangements at once.
Then say no more. Do not engage in further talk/conflict or tit for tat about this matter. Your boundary and decision is final and that is that. He can choose what he wants to do and if he can't choose to at least respect your boundary then make it simple and choose for him.
My motto is always "go hardcore with compassion but do so with SELF respect".
I am so damn sick and tired of reading thread after thread where the LBS lets the WAS walk all over them, flip their life upside down, hurt children, ruin finances, lie and essentially treat their partners like they are second class citizens and nobody does a thing about it.
I have been telling you it is boundary time for a while now. You cannot control the outcome of what happens WHEN you finally set the boundaries... but it is killing you MORE to sit under the same roof with him, while he spends his time in YOUR home talking to another woman... CONSTANTLY. He does it while your home, he does it with you in the same room... [censored], he does it with you in the bed with him.
You have proof of him choosing this OW over you daily. Your son's health issues.. he calls OW, his grandpa dying.. he calls OW. He knows you can SEE the texts on the phone bill, but continues to do it, not caring, and will continue to do so BECAUSE there are no boundaries.
I hate saying this to you because I love you and you are a dear friend to me. And it is going to SUCK if he decides to leave, but maybe he needs to leave for a bit, for your marriage to be saved. I know one thing, it is killing you inside the longer this goes on.
Can you call Verizon and turn off texting on his phone? Or block numbers from calling in? Is that something that can be done?
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
