Hello. I read your post and don't blame you for wanting to give up. I feel the same way some times, but it has only been 3 months for us. It seems that he is having the best of both worlds and seems content with that right now. My advise to you is to start setting limits. Don't always be available to him when he wants or at his convience. Even if that means driving around town for a few hours when he thinks you should be home. Demand some respect in subtle ways. You are a humane being with feelings. Maybe tell yourself it is over and act as if you a getting on with your life to show him you mean business. Don't call the lawyer just yet. Try these things and see if he comes a little closer to committment.
LL: When my h ask for a second chance for us, he was desesperate in getting back to home... At first i wasnt sure if will be a good decission getting back home so fast after all that separation and suffer of 4 months before and without resolving many problems between us... But as time pass, as we get out but he was still at his rent apartment, i began thinking maybe he will get use to that type of life, he will get use to his alone apartment, his divorce buddies and will eventually not be interest in familly day by day common life... So, now i think some times maybe was better to wait a little more until he get back... because he was not completelly out of his crisis... but at the same time i can see him more joint to us, enjoying our awakes as a familly, and living what we want and the reason for we need to work: a joint marriage with great kids... and still now we havnt resolve all our problems, but we are working on that.... and you know what, problems arise being together, sharing a life, and this situation makes us work more on our M... Yes, in their turmoil they can be so please with the situation... living alone, not commiment, but having you at the same time... it seems they need to feel, to taste again what is a real familly, how is the day of a real joint familly, to beguin enjoying and sharing it again with you and resolving the problems between both... I dont know why your h hasnt take the decission of getting back, but maybe you can work on that... i dont know if you undrestand me because my poor english, but i feel the need to express my experience... maybe it can help...
of the 5 nights he comes here I do go out at least one...just take this past week for example and the upcomming,sat night I went out with dbrs while he was with kids at home, sun he didn't come home, mon he did and I was here (or talk bad bad he's mixed)I went out for a couple hours shopping (24hr store) tues he comes here I go out to a movie with friend, come home nice time for the rest of evening with him (read last post) tonight he is comming (he was "thinking" of comming, I said would be nice if you do cause I will still be scared from the movie last night, I will read my book and just know you're here) thurs he is comming but I am going out with some friends to see yet another movie.. fri don't know what his plans are... sat he is comming to be with the kids and I am going to a wedding with my mother (even though with my mother h is still threatend by the other men there) sun we are going to the football game together... so you see how much time do I have to spend away from my home... I am not always available to him... the only thing is when i do go out I come home even if late..
h is leaning toward comming home... he is just trying... ow still has place in his heart and it tears at him keeping him from comming home completely... what I know he doesn't ow will always be in his head to some degree is like and alchololic.. they may stop drinking but the pull is there still just gets to be less and less over time when they work on the rest of things.... how long can I wait for him to realize this??? I still do not know... the more nights like last night the less time it will take. LL
Sure sounds like he is realizing something.I know the feeling wiht small kids, for all the years I was ome with ours, they were our life, h and I did not have a life. I resented if he wanted to do anything outside home, and I just did not think I should leave family at night to have my own fun. It was not anyhting intentional, we were young, not many friends. I am glad you have a life outside of home. Hope all keeps going good, but of course you are strong and know that it could change from day to day, and mood to mood.Have fun Sue
LL, seems like you are giving a clinic in : "When you detach, they come a'running back". Thanks, although I dont feel much like working on my marriage right now (as you well know), by reading your thread I have come to realize that I must always keep my eyes openned for some improvements!
steph, If I am giving a clinic on anything it's how to keep screwing things up by doing the wrong things!! ha ha!!
no in all seriousness... yes it does seem to be true that when you "detach" "they" tend to come back... it is not until you become a whole person once again that you can have a healthy r anyway... it is hard for me because I am still at home with the kiddos but I am doing my best at getting a life of my own once again... honestly this "crap" was the best thing that could have happened in my life... it has given me an independance that I lost when I became a mom... it has shown h what it is that I do here all day with the kids, (h spent sundays alone with them...did not happen til separation)
h is still torn... but I see more and more that this is where he wants to be... I can only hope... but if not at least I know I will survive. LL
Quoting lostlove: honestly this "crap" was the best thing that could have happened in my life... it has given me an independance that I lost when I became a mom...
It has given me the independance to be the man I used to be, before I started worrying about pleasing a single woman. Just being ME!
ha ha!!