I've spent some time lurking here, reading many different situations. So many similarities to my situation have helped me get motivated to start appling these new techniques that seem both foreign and unnatural to me. At this point though, I feel that it's the best course of action if there is any chance of saving my M.
I'm afraid this is going to be long, but here's our background and situation. I'll try to keep it as readable as possible and encourage your feedback/opinions/suggestions.
Background:
For the past 11 years, I've been married to a woman I absolutely adore. When we FIL in 1994 (her 21, me 29) she was a self-confident, creative, ambitious and independant women with big plans for her life. However, over the course of our R her mental state has deteriorated, particularly after the birth of s7. She has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder (BPD). Over the past 3 years, she has had experienced severe annual manic periods in which she has done things and behaved in ways that are not "normal" for her. These manic spells usually start in the Spring and wind down around Fall. She had been seeing a C for about 8 years until late last year. She has worked with the Drs. for years; going through a myriad of different combinations of medications to try to quell her anxiety, depression and manic episodes. She is quite aware of her illness, willing to take her meds and do whatever it takes to break this cycle. She has recently started back with a new C that is more confrontational and direction based than your typical shrink.
W found out she was pregnant shortly before 9/11/01. The Thursday after 9/11, I was layed off from a wonderful job due to the company collapsing. 3 months after birth of s, we moved from her home town to my parents house 250 miles away. I had problems finding a job in my field and W was the first to land something that helped us get out on our own again and live in a apt. I finally found a job a few months later, but it conflicted with hers and she had to quit to raise S. I rose quickly with my company and was able to financially support the family, buy a house, cars, etc, but not without some difficulty. Although she intended to go back to college and/or work after our s grew past the baby stage, she's only had one short term job since 2002. She never went back to school and is qualified for little more than service jobs. I have been the sole supporter of both her needs and wants, and have done everything within my abilities to provide both of those.
She never discovered/developed her maternal instincts like most mothers do when they have children. She loves our s more than anyone in the world, but she gives little of herself to him and has always allowed me to carry the heavier load of raising him. She believes that I'm a fantastic father, which, despite my own inexperience and flaws, I agree with her on. I have always been willing and eager to pick up any slack and do what it takes to raise him in the manner that we both feel is best.
Situation:
Bomb was dropped on me earlier this Spring, when she told me that she wasn't happy anymore, she could never please me, I deserved so much better than her. She mentioned separation/divorce, saying she'd rather remain my friend than to never live up to my expectations as a wife. We spent way too much non-quality time together. I worked at home, so I was physically present much of the time, but not necessarily available. Our sex life went through many ebbs and flows, which I would complain about when the frequency would drop off. Obviously, guilt worked against my goals of bringing more intimacy and passion back into our lives.
I encouraged her to get a job, for the self-confidence/esteem that would come along with it. She ended up bartending at a local dive at the end of May, and for the first time I struggled with jealousy issues that I have never really felt before. However, she seemed to be happier and more self-confident. She liked not having to ask me for money all the time, or feel guilty for spending her own money on mere wants instead of needs. She assured me that all the guys trying to get in her pants at the bar didn't stand a chance...that she knew how good she had it.
She lost her job a little over a month in, because she has issues with tardiness. This sent her into a really deep funk. She has always had platonic male friends. Apparently she turned to one she had known a few months who seemed to be able to understand her depression. According to her, he was more messed up than her, had spent many years in therapy and could relate to her in a way that I couldn't understand. He had a perverted sense of humor and could make her stop looking at things so negatively. He also happened to be a musician, and a fan of much of the underground music that she liked.
A few weeks after she lost her job, I accidentally intercepted a series of txt messages on her phone. I always respected her privacy, but when 3 txts in a row come in at 4am, I was just curious who was sending them. The BIG BOMB hit when I read them and realized that she had slept with OM, the musician. According to her, it was only once, and she regretted her very bad decision immediately/immensely. I asked him and her to cut off all communication while we dealt with our M. He had been unaware that we weren't separated at the time, or that we were stil trying to work on our M. She claims that it was a flirty dare type thing that led to it, that she was the one who instigated it and her biggest regret besides devastating our R was that she had also ruined a really good friendship with him for a stupid action she did under the influence of meds/alcohol.
A week before I found out about the PA, I was fired from the best job I've ever had due to my nightly use of pot (she was my smoking partner) despite having just received accolades for my past year's performance. I've always been a highly functional pothead, never smoking before/during work, and always waiting until nighttime after my s was asleep. It was a bonding thing for my W and I to relax and chat before bedtime. Obviously I had to stop this habit immediately and quickly obtained a new job within several weeks, at a lower pay rate and much less stability (contract position).
For several months over this summer, we attempted to deal with things the best we knew how. I tried my best to regain my trust in her. She cut off all contact with her other male friends and spent much more time at home, to show me that she was really putting in the effort to make things work. However, I was growing increasingly more paranoid and had a hard time letting things go. I'm sure that I tried to hold on too tightly and it just smothered her and made her feel that I would never trust her again.
Just over two weeks ago, my paranoia/curiousity got the better of me and I started looking at her phone records. There were no calls to OM that I could find, but I did see some strange calls to a number that I didn't recognize. I finally found the number in her contact list along with a PIN. Logging into the carrier's website, I realized that she had another phone that she had been using since July to have daily contact with OM. Assuming the worse, I confronted her at 4am after she had taken her meds, which make her very groggy and unable to think clearly. She refused to tell me what was going on at that time of the morning, which made me very angry. Assuming that she was still having at the very least an EA with him, I got angry and said some things to/about her that I truly regret. I was striking out at her, trying to get a response. Never laid a hand on her, but lashed out at her verbally. Fearing for what I might do to her if she stayed, she got up, packed her stuff in her truck and left for a girlfriends apartment about a mile down the road.
The next day, she came over and we talked about the situation. I apologize for the timing of my confrontation, although I feet justified considering the situation to have done it. She said that OM was really just a friend, and that they had not done anything physically except that one time. She says she isn't in love with him. She claims OM wouldn't be anything more than a friend as soon as he realized that we were still working on M, but that he would be her friend, if she could deal with that. He has apparently been in my shoes and wasn't going to be the one to split up a family. She said that the phone was purchased in case I threw her out and cut off her phone, but that it quickly became the one she used to contact him with because she didn't feel that I would believe that she could be friends with someone who she had cheated on me with. She realizes he's somewhat of a sleazeball when it comes to women, as he has a fanbase of groupies that often surround him with offers of sex. OM also has a very mentally unstable girlfriend that he lives with who would likely literally kill herself if his affairs were ever discovered.
For two weeks now, she comes over in the mornings before I leave for work, so she can see our s off on the bus to school. She comes back over in the afternoon to see him back off the bus until I get home. Some days she hangs around and talks some, other days she leaves quickly. I try to stay upbeat and friendly. She still tells me she loves me and hugs/kisses me goodbye each time we meet. Seeing each other two times a day, it seems hard for her to miss me much. She claims she simply needs the time/space to get herself back together, and without it she has nothing of herself to give to me or to s.
She still is in contact with OM, but is more open about talking to or seeing him. In fact, her friend she's living with had actually dated him last month and had had sex with him a few times before W had to tell her that he was the one that she had cheated on me with. W has never been one to take sloppy seconds from a friend, so I tend to believe that the R she has with OM is no necessarily a romantic one.
Last Friday, I found the DB forums, and spent most of my day reading threads. On Saturday, I flew out of town to visit some very close/long-term friends who I hadn't seen in a while. During this visit, I made no attempts at contact with her at all. When I returned, I had messages asking me to please call/txt her and let W know that I was O.K. They all ended in ILY and one even said "I miss you". My s had spent the weekend at my parents, so W could go to a concert that was planned/purchased before she moved out. I didn't see her when I returned, but txted to let her know we were both safe at home. This morning, W showed up to get s on the bus a few minutes before I left, but I mostly just listened to her talk about her weekend, rather than offer any of my details, and headed out for work. W called 30 minutes before I got off work and said that she had a job interview early this evening, and was going to leave before I got home. s was playing with neighbor's kid, and his parents were home to keep an eye on him. Came home from work and got ready to take s to Cub Scouts, which lasted until late. Didn't hear from her all night but realized that she had moved a few more of her things out of the house.
My normally endless patience is worn thin...anger and frustration sometimes overwhelms the heartbreak. I'm not quite sure what to do next. I'm ordering the DB books tomorrow, but haven't had a chance to read them yet (only the first chapters).
W texted me just now saying "Just wanted to tell you and s I love you both and miss you." She says she is going to come over earlier tomorrow morning so we have a few more minutes to visit before I have to leave for work. I only responded to her final text "Night-Night baby...Sweet Dreams" with a "Sweet dreams to you. G'night".
I plan on trying to act as calm, confident and happy as I can when she's around, but avoid any R discussions unless she instigates it. Trying my best to GAL and drop the rope, and it does seem to be at least getting a response from her. I still pray every day that she'll decide to come back and be a part of this damaged, but repairable family she left behind.
Me 44 W 36 s7 FIL 1994 M 1998 BOMB May 2009 PA June 2009 EA? discovered October 24th, 2009 S October 25, 2009 Still hopeful for reconciliation
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
The you deserve better than me etc. is pretty typical, its just a line! It sounds like she wants to come home, so now you need to follow through with your GALing, 180's and rope dropping. I was able to get the DB books from my local library. Maybe you could get at least a little head start. I think that you are going to get some good advice here, and make sure that you follow it. Even if its counterintuitive- do it!
I think that first and foremost, she needs to stop talking to the OM. Is this something that you can really deal with? I think that its a recipe for failure personally. And if she really wants to make this work, it shouldnt be a tough choice for her to make. Her family, or the man that she will readily admit is a sleazeball.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I also would like to say, and Im not judging you at all here, that maybe you should try to slow down on the smoking. This is a good time for you to start making some healthy choices for yourself and smoking anything is not healthy. Also, you might be surprised at the emotional stability and effect on your anxiety and paranoia. Why not give it a try?
Also... and Im sorry to bring this up, but if, and this is a BIG if, things go south, she could potentially use it against you in a custody case...
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks for the responses. I gave up the smoking at the beginning of July. She still does. Right now, I'm preparing myself to wean off of cigarettes, which is really hard with the stress I'm currently under. We both made HUGE regrettable mistakes that affected our family within a short period of time, but I've had no problems walking away from my vice...apparently it hasn't been that easy for her to walk away from hers (OM).
Another thing that I missed in the sitch was the fact that since she currently has no job or income, I am still paying for most of her needs. I've completely cut out the support of her wants, but I have helped her get groceries/gas, I'm still paying the truck payment/insurance. I'm paying for her C visits. We had a heated discussion at the end of last week, because she had assured me that she would be hitting the pavement and finding a job last week, but really only hit up one place on Monday. After our talk on Thursday night, she seems to be actively looking and had several interviews yesterday. I promised I wouldn't leave her destitute, but I'm not going to continue to support her living away from home...she's going to have learn how hard it is to be self-sufficient, if that's one of her goals. Trying to walk that line between not being taken advantage of, and not using it as a way to try to pull her back. Well, she just pulled up, so I'll check back later.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
W and I chatted cordially this morning for about 30 minutes. Kept it upbeat and happy. Filled her in on some details of my trip to see my friends. She admitted that she felt a tinge of jealousy that I got to go see them (they were very close friends with her as well. One even lived with us for several years), but that she knew that I needed the support of my "buds" and was glad I was able to spend some time alone with them. However, she said it gave her a taste of what I've been feeling this past year when I've been excluded from activities with her/our friends.
She said she applied for 4 different jobs yesterday, and had one interview. She seems determined to not let this week slip by without making serious attempts at job hunting.
W mentioned that she goes back for her 3rd visit with her C this morning. I know that Cs typically get patients to focus on themselves and their well-being/happiness, but I'm hopeful that C also takes her family into consideration and doesn't approach things from a anti-marriage stance.
When I left, W stood up and asked me for a hug/kiss. I reciprocated. As we were hugging, she told me "You know I really DO love you." I told her ILY back. Is it following the guidelines to say it back, as long as I'm not the one initiating it?
Last edited by CountingCrows; 11/10/0902:51 PM.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I am sorry that you are here. It sounds like you have full custody of you S. If that is the case, you should not give her any of your income. You are taking care of the children. She walked out. You do not owe her anything. In fact, if I am reading the sitch correctly, she would owe you child support when she got a job.
Read the DB books. They are very good. I will write more when I get a chance.
I am REALLY struggling with the financial situation right now. We were already in dire straights and facing imminent bankruptcy due to the balance of unsecured credit cards. Most of the balances were run up during last summer's mania, although some was me trying to keep up with her "wants" during that time as well.
I have continued to pay for her gas, medicines, C visits, car/insurance, health/dental insurance, cell phone (I'm locked in for another year or $200 penalty), as well as groceries. With everything being so recent (she's been gone 2 weeks 2 days), I haven't really had a chance to sit down and figure out how to handle this. I feel that if I cut her off completely (particularly things like her truck), she's either going to return simply because she has no way to support herself. Even if she gets a job, her limited education/training will not put her in a position to be able to afford any of her current expenses. She is still living with a mutual friend, who isn't charging her "rent" yet, but W has given her some small amount of money to help with the bills.
My other fear is that if I cut her off completely, and leave her destitute (more or less), it will be such a blow that it would completely destroy any chance of us reconciling. I do have full custody of s7. She has been helping me out, since I have to leave work before he goes to school, and he returns before I get off, but otherwise, she has been mostly absent from s's life.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
although some was me trying to keep up with her "wants" during that time as well.
I completely understand you here. My W has been diagnosed with bipolar tendencies as well. She has a lot of impulsive desires. Fortunately, she is very good at controlling herself. But I understand the desire to "make her happy". Read "No more Mr. Nice Guy", it will help you understand why this is not good behavior. Also, understand that the 'happiness' they receive from these things is only temporary.
Originally Posted By: CountingCrows
I have continued to pay for her gas, medicines, C visits, car/insurance, health/dental insurance, cell phone (I'm locked in for another year or $200 penalty), as well as groceries. With everything being so recent (she's been gone 2 weeks 2 days), I haven't really had a chance to sit down and figure out how to handle this. I feel that if I cut her off completely (particularly things like her truck), she's either going to return simply because she has no way to support herself. Even if she gets a job, her limited education/training will not put her in a position to be able to afford any of her current expenses. She is still living with a mutual friend, who isn't charging her "rent" yet, but W has given her some small amount of money to help with the bills.
My other fear is that if I cut her off completely, and leave her destitute (more or less), it will be such a blow that it would completely destroy any chance of us reconciling. I do have full custody of s7. She has been helping me out, since I have to leave work before he goes to school, and he returns before I get off, but otherwise, she has been mostly absent from s's life.
I understand that she has an illness. But it is an illness that she must be able to deal with. You can help her cope. But she is responsible for her own actions. Another good book for you would be "Codependent No More". You can not enable her to make irresponsible choices without consequences. It will only hurt her in the long run.
As far as the cell phone goes, if you continue to pay that contract for the next however many months, will it total more than $200? You might get off cheap with the penalty!
Alot of the drug companies will help patients to pay for their meds if you can prove financial need. Walmart and generic drugs are always a pretty smart way to go too.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Listen to Tristan and trust me when I say he knows what he is talking about. Him and I have had conversations about this before and he is very clued in with the bipolar topic.
He can help you with that aspect and I can help you try to understand since I am bipolar myself.
Bluerain has an excellent point when stating you may want to cut back on the smoking
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
