Do they have to leave to be a WAW?

[Awoken]

It's only been about 17 days. She dropped the bomb on Oct 23rd: ILYBINILWY. I have a posting under newcomers titled "longtime coming" with some details. A lot has happened in the 17 days, and I wished I had been started posting sooner.

Basically, she hasn't asked to move out, she hasn't asked for a divorce. I moved out of the bedroom myself; my mistake. I think what she wants is for us to live together in the same house for the next four years while she finishes graduate school and a doctorate and our S13 finishes high school (my D turned 17 today). She's employed, and provides the health insurance. I'm self-employed and make at least 65% of our income.

D17 snuck downstairs and listened to about an hour of our conversations which basically consisted of me saying I was sorry my wife was in so much pain and that I was ashamed that I been blind to it, and she saying that she wants to move on..somehow. D17 then told wife in the morning that she was mad at her for "not wanting to try".

She spends a lot of time telling me that she'll make sure I have health insurance and that I'm "taken care of". I suspect that if I offered to move out and get an apartment she would leap at it.

We are spending money on MC, but I'm wondering if it's a waste and I should drop it completely as I focus on GAL. Is she just doing it to appease D17, or to further her goal of us staying in the house together.

What do you think?

[karen43]

Ok, first thing you need to move back in your bedroom. From what you say your W is drinking, not taking her meds, and possible OM. And you are the one to move out of the bed and suffer consequences from that?? No, no, no. You should move back and let her have the option of moving elsewhere (another room or apt.) if she would like.

D17 snuck downstairs and listened to about an hour of our conversations which basically consisted of me saying I was sorry my wife was in so much pain and that I was ashamed that I been blind to it, and she saying that she wants to move on..somehow.

Ok, no more apologizing or I'm sorries for your wife's pain. Her pain or happiness is decided by her, not you. I suspect the drinking, not taking her meds, and maybe guilt if she is having an EA or PA, would be the most likely sources of her pain right now. Nothing for you to apologize for. You shouldn't be ashamed for not noticing your W's hiding her drinking from you. She worked actively to keep you in the dark, and I believe we tend to trust our loved ones.

She spends a lot of time telling me that she'll make sure I have health insurance and that I'm "taken care of". I suspect that if I offered to move out and get an apartment she would leap at it.

DON'T do that!!! I think she has to work on her drinking and other issues, but your following her script and suffering the consequences that she should be suffering is not a good idea.

We are spending money on MC, but I'm wondering if it's a waste and I should drop it completely as I focus on GAL. Is she just doing it to appease D17, or to further her goal of us staying in the house together.

My guess would be both. It doesn't sound like she's really interested in saving the marriage right now, more that she is interested in cake-eating.

I think at some point, you will have to do something about her drinking. She may need to move out if it's unhealthy for your children; I don't believe an active alcoholic is a fit parent in most cases. Maybe something to discuss with your MC? I think you probably need IC more than MC right now; but your MC is providing that for you?

[Awoken]

Thanks Karen for the replies; I'm clearly having a problem dealing him my guilt in this, and I need to get over it! It just that I realized that deep down I knew something was very wrong and I had been turning a blind eye to it. I'm awake to it now.

Yes, my MC is serving as an IC now, and I'm assuming that's the reason she has been asking to meet us individually. She sent me to my doctor to get some medicine to help sleep (W is jealous of that, but she has her drink and I'm keeping the pills away from her).

I have no intention of leaving the house. When wife hinted at it, I suggested that I could help her find an apartment for herself and help her move. She had no response. Right now, I've move all my clothes into the guest room closet, but my dresser is still in our bedroom. She's asked me twice to move it
(once if "she could help me move it"). I told her that I still consider it our room, and I don't want to move it. I haven't been sure I should move back in yet, so your word are helpful.

I'm pretty resentful about her "cake eating", and I want to figure out how to thwart that and still DB.

thanks again