I'm taking a few days to consider if I am going to file for a legal separation, divorce, or try and figure out a way to give things one last, last chance. W has been lying to me and MC about having ended contact with OM and doesn't know that I know.
How do I get full transparency without being told that I'm being over-controlling, drowning, pushing, etc? How do I actually get transparency when I'm not living with W? Do I need to move back in to get it?
"I know that you have been in contact with OM. You have been lying to me and the MC. If this does not stop immediately and you don't agree to full transparency on keeping yourself accountable then I am going to file for divorce."
If she asks how do you know just say, "let's no kid ourselves, I have lots of proof."
This is about her behavior (contact with OM) it's not controlling because she has a choice. It's a boundary on how you will let her treat you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"I know exactly what's going on between you and (OM), and it needs to stop -- immediately. You've been lying to me, lying to our marriage counselor, and it's incredibly disrespectful to both of us, and to our family. You are an adult, and I cannot control you, but make no mistake -- I will not live in an open marriage. Because of what you've done, in order for me to feel safe in the marriage, I need 100% no contact and full transparency from you. If you're not willing to do that, I completely understand, but at that point I WILL be done and will take immediate steps to protect myself.
"Oh, and you have exactly five minutes to decide."
How do I get full transparency without being told that I'm being over-controlling, drowning, pushing, etc?
MTN, I reject your premise. Your goal isn't to get no-contact and full transparency "without being told" ANYTHING. Your goal is to get it -- PERIOD.
If she says you're being "controlling," you say "I have no desire to control you. YOU can do whatever you wish. Just know that I won't live in a marriage in which my wife is having an affair, and lying to me about it. MY WIFE will be loyal, and honest, and will take her vows seriously. Whether or not YOU'RE THAT WIFE is COMPLETELY up to you, however."
Your basic response/position is, "I'm sorry you feel that way; I'm just telling you what I need in order to feel safe."
Glad you stopped by Puppy. Sent up the Puppy sign, still works.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
First I'll say, "the Master traveler has no fixed plans and no intentions of arriving."
That being said, I plan on getting together with W today in a while (about to call her) and asking her for transparency, as well as why it's been so difficult to get details about what she's been doing aside from work when she's not around me. I'm going to let her know that I haven't been feeling safe with things and that I believe she's been in contact with OM and that I need full honesty and that so far I've yet to get that. I will reference DR and let her know that I read through it again and that I haven't been getting re-assurances and that I am going to need transparency and proof that I'm getting more than words in order to feel safe.
