Time to 'fess up

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh DTL - I am treading this path with you, just that I am a few steps ahead. I felt EXACTLY as you do and I still have more days when I don't cope than days when I do. The answer is definitely work your butt off - it takes you some place else and makes you physically (as well as emotionally/psychologically) tired at the end of the day.

PLEASE don't go all sad puppy on Miss Lip Glue. She sounds like she has enough to deal with at the moment and, in the long term, it will not be the right thing for either of you. Just more pressures to deal with. I know how tempting it can be. A work colleague of mine has just lost his wife and two kids as she has returned to the UK to hook up with an old school chum that she met on Facebook. He and I met for coffee a while back but I knew that was a hiding to hell if we continued.

If you really are depressed, you know what to do. Get the serotonin levels raised by which ever means you can manage it. I'm not an advocate of pills but sometimes and in some cases, we both know that it is a gig that has to be attended, right?

The more practise you get at doing nice things for yourself, the better you will become. What is it that you normally would like to do - even if it's something small - share! I started off, like most girls here, buying and wearing lovely lingerie FOR ME. Then I started reading books again, which I haven't done in a while. See, doesn't have to be anything huge. Just about looking after YOURSELF for a change. I find that most people in our game are too wrapped up in other folk - it's why we do the job we do. Turn the tables - please tell me on your next post, just one small thing that you have done for yourself today - OK? Don't care what it is, how small, how silly - just has to be for YOU and YOU alone. Even thinking about it takes your mind away for a few moments - and that's a start.

I deleted most of my stolen quotes from people on the board but as, yet again, I am rushing out the door to work I still wanted to leave you with something positive to think about so try the following. I shall return later ...

Deliberate actions that support your intentions are more helpful than quick emotional reactions.


1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.

[dtlewis]

Today is one of those days that is down; I actually had a very good day yesterday. Managed a good workout, took the kids out to bowl and play laser tag. W stayed home (which was okay). Today got up and cleaned out garage, started to clean and mop kitchen. W got mad because she was going to clean and mop tomorrow and why hadn't I asked. She has spent the last 2 hours getting ready for a party in 4 more hours. Trying hard not to let my suspicions run away with me (since it makes no difference at this point, anyway). I ache for a hug and a sincere "I love you".
Truly, I am sure I am dealing with the combination of WAW and MLC. And I am very very early into this. I know to expect a long road and no guaranty for how things will turn out. I know that I have to work on me, regardless. The thoughts are just not making it to the heart at present. Any encouragement is appreciated...
Did meet with a psychiatrist and do have some positive outlook there. Also referred my to psychologist to work on the Behavioral Therapy part.
W and I did have a conversation the other day re: what is best for the kids. Her point is that she wants them to see a 'happy marriage with intimacy and interaction' and doesn't see that in our future together. My points are that everything I have read say that married households (even if not great) are still healthier that divorced (unless there is violence, abuse, or substance abuse) and at least I would like the children to see some efforts at reconciliation and healing. She says that I have been neglectful and that is every bit a damaging for the kids. I told her I thought we needed to see a family counselor to try to figure out the best way to co-parent. I am afraid I know how this will go, but it is time to try to "act as if".

[dtlewis]

EN,
Didn't see your post above until I wrote the above. I am grateful that there is this site, because the isolation I feel is soul smothering. To know that there are many others on this path that haven't given up, and that can still put out a hand to each other in the midst of their problems is extremely encouraging.
I have taken your points to heart (as I have Couch and MSCanlon). I especially find #9 appropriate, as well as #4 and your point on Lip Glue. No, I see that trap for both of us...just nice to have someone I respect be able to say the same to me (and I can know she means it).
You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

"Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened unto you".

[dtlewis]

Trying hard not to get too excited; I know this is just one of the 'ups' on the rollercoaster. But, W came home last night early, wanted to tell me about the party, asked about D's first date. Today, I got up to get dressed for church and she actually wanted to go (even getting the whole family up) which hasn't happened in months. Actually, since we terminated adoption of son. Trying really hard to not read anything into this. Also, trying to stay focused on changes I need to make and GAL. And very much trying to avoid W-centric emotions.
Still, it is a nice day and I will take it for a gift, use it to energize my changes, and plow on.

[dtlewis]

Okay, one of the things I have been thinking about is that I am an introvert, and my W definitely an extrovert. I love to do just about anything but I don't initiate a lot of activities. I keep thinking about the word "energize"; does anyone have any words of wisdom for how I can help to energize my children and also my W? GAL is still an early goal, and I may not be at the point to do this now, but is one very big goal that I will have to meet if there is any long term hope.