I do know, I was the beneficiary of a lot of others help and guidance here. I am just paying it forward. This is a great community.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Stayed home with the kids Friday night. Saturday morning, H came over and went to our son's soccer game with us - we got along well. After the game he took the kids to the park for the afternoon so I could get housework done. He had asked if he could spend the night at my condo with the kids instead of taking them to his mom's house and I agreed. I had offered to take them to my parents for the night, since I had plans to go out for my best friend's birthday and knew I would not only be out late... but be drinking. He insisted it was okay and he did not care what time I was getting home, he would crash on the couch, etc. So that was the plan.
I went out and a group of us went to the Funny Bone Comedy Club, then out drinking after that. I ended up getting home close to 2am, and was pretty hammered. Got into the house and stumbled upstairs - H was in my bed with my son and my daughter was asleep in her room, so I was going to grab some pajamas and either crash on the couch, or in my son's bed. H woke up as I was leaving the room and said "Here you can have your bed" and I responded "No, it's cool, you stay." He said "No, I'm going to go ahead and go, take your bed."
WTH? I was really pissed. Had I known he was going to get up and leave and not be around for my kids in the morning, I would have taken them to my moms house!!! He knew I was pissed. I said "Well I wouldn't have drank so much if I knew you weren't staying" as I followed him down the stairs and he walked out. I pretty much just slammed the door, locked it and went and passed out.
Of course my kids were up at 6:48am and I was sick as a dog for most of the day... and forced to be mom. I don't like parenting hungover and I really don't like my kids seeing me like that - I would have liked to have stayed in bed with my door shut!!! He called my daughter's phone around 9am and I could hear her saying to him "She has a really bad headache and is really sick.... okay, I will be a good listener." I did not hear from him until 5pm when he IM'ed me and said "Hope your day was not too rough, sorry about the confusion last night." I answered back "Thanks, no biggie." And that was all, I did not start a fight and I let it go and acted like it was fine. But I am still pretty pissed at how he did that.
So that's that. I hope I handled it well.
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
He had asked if he could spend the night at my condo with the kids instead of taking them to his mom's house and I agreed.
If something is bothering you it is your responsiblity to bring it up.
When you .... (insert problem behavior here), I felt ......(describe your feelings). In the future I would appreciate it if ........ (solution). If we can't agree on that then ......... (consequence).
This isn't a personal attack it's about a behavior that isn't healthy for your relationship.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I had tried to go ahead and just tell him my parents would watch the kids. But I walk a fine line with him and the kids, because I have restricted him from them in the past - and that is one of the things I am trying to change. I figured him staying with the kids at my place would be fine because:
1) He was right, there was a lot going on at his mom's and they would be better off at my place. 2) I was leaving the house and going out for the night. 3) We had already established that he would sleep separately from me.
Him spending the evening did not bother me - it was him changing the plan at 2am, AFTER I had relied on him to be there for the kids in the morning.
Because he is the calm one and I am the hot head I tried my best to let him just go and the next day when he finally did check in with me and apologize to just let it go.
Next time... the kids go to my moms!!!
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
Him spending the evening did not bother me - it was him changing the plan at 2am, AFTER I had relied on him to be there for the kids in the morning.
When you changed the plans we made and left in the middle of the night. I felt like you lied to me about your plans. If you continue to change our plans about who is watching the kids. I will just take the kids to my Moms.
"Let it go" isn't a solution.
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Because he is the calm one and I am the hot head
Perfect 180 - you be calm, relaxed, laid-back, "what me worry?" Let him have some worry for a change.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think the IM response was a great 180. As you explained you are the Hot head, so not blowing it out of proportion, being calm and acting as if..was a good 180 for you to make...
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
@Coach: Should I bring it up and let him know it bothered me? After I "let it go" - my 180's are so confusing to me -
I was a constant talker that could not let things go, until I felt satisfied with the outcome - constant nagging, bringing it up again and again - until he was SO OVER hearing about he wanted to stab himself in the stomach with a knife... but then I would be more hurt that me being hurt did not bother him.
I was a hot head that said HORRIBLE things and belittled to try to make him feel the hurt I felt inside. "You are not a reliable father," "You are ruining our children," "Don't be surprised when your children end up resenting and hating you." "You have ended up just like your father."
When neither of the above worked... I would restrict him from the kids - "We won't be needing your help Tues and Thurs this week... and have a great weekend!"
So with my 180's - I have to stop the nagging and bringing things up when they are done. Let him have his time with the kids and never make him feel they will be used as a punishment. I have to watch what I say and how I react to things very carefully - because I am under a microscope with him. Just when I think I am not... he will bring up something I said weeks and weeks ago and use it as some huge argument for his point. I have to act as if his sh*t doesn't bother me and it is not going to make me lose it on him.
I am thinking that I do not bring it up again... but think for next time something happens about a better way to convey my feelings without blowing up - THEN let it go... or come to a solution.
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@britt54: Thank you!!!
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
"You are not a reliable father," "You are ruining our children," "Don't be surprised when your children end up resenting and hating you." "You have ended up just like your father."
Personal attacks. not productive.
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I have to act as if his sh*t doesn't bother me
You want a solution of do you want to stand neck deep in it for the rest of your life?
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I have to stop the nagging and bringing things up when they are done.
So how is this "done"? It's still bothering you and if he does it again you can't say anything because you will have validated it as normal by allowing it to happen.
read up on "personal boundaries"
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
