Need This To Work.

[mscanlon]

I have not been on these boards in quite some time, and even when I was on them, I posted maybe once – and spent the majority of my time reading. I am hoping to change that this time and really get to work. I have been separated from my husband for almost 4 years now. You can read about the original problems that led to the separation by clicking on my story below. We have never done anything legal. No legal separation, no custody agreements, etc. I live in a condo with my two kids (D-8, S-5) and he lives with his mother. He comes over every Tues and Thurs night and usually on Saturdays and hangs out with the kids and me. We have been pretty good about not having “mommy time” and “daddy time” when it comes to the kids, so they don’t feel sad and out of sorts. We both work full time, and his job takes him out of town a lot.

In the past four years, we have gone back and forth with the thought of reconciliation. We have been through a couple rounds of marriage counseling, which he has usually ended up quitting. As much as I am embarrassed at how long this separation has gone on and all the ups and downs of it – if I really had to look at bright sides, I would say 1) he has not filed or done anything legal, 2) he has not separated his money from mine and gives most of his paychecks to the kids and I, depositing them into our joint account weekly, 3) when arguments arise, he is the one that stays calm and collected.

He has told me I am attractive, funny and awesome to hang with and talk too. He has built a wall up when it comes to money and trust. His original reason for leaving was due to debt that I racked up out of depression. Since he left and me promising to stop spending money multiple times – I did not. It became an addiction for me and how I coped with the breakup of my marriage. I would lie to him and tell him how good I was doing, and originally started out doing good every time, but would slip into old spending habits and he would find out and be SO angry with me. This has happened a couple times. He feels it was me stealing from our family – I felt it was me coping with depression he helped create – which turned into almost an addiction. He is angry that he has had to fight his whole life for anything he wanted, and NOW because of my spending, he will not be debt free until he is 40. He is absolutely correct. I accept what I have done and feel horrible for it. And I have no answers for my actions for him, which also pisses him off – because I was not out buying Prada bags and Jimmy Choo shoes – I was blowing money at Target or Ebay for the kids and house - stupid stuff that gave me a little pleasure but no long lasting happiness and really I have nothing substantial to show for all the money I spent. FINALLY, last December, he took everything away – all credit cards, etc and he took over all bills. I wish he would have done this prior to leaving me, because it basically saved me. For 10 months now I have been awesome with money. No spending outside of the budget. No credit cards. I have been good enough to earn handling the money back from him.

I do have other issues though – when I feel hurt by him – I am HORRIBLE to him (never around my kids). I say the most hurtful things. I restrict him from seeing the kids. I do whatever I can to make him feel the pain that I am feeling inside. I am aware this is horrible. I am now trying to get this under control.

In June, both of us decided that we did want reconciliation. We were over the back and forth. He was great for a couple weeks, and then started retreating. Of course I reacted my usual way – yelling, belittling, telling him he not a great father, he does not spend enough time with us, restricting him from seeing the kids, etc. This past Sept, he left himself logged into his email on my laptop and I read emails to other women (friends from his past that he had reconnected with) he had sent during our “trying to reconcile period” bashing me. I was SO ANGRY, I told my kids to go upstairs and I confronted him, yelling and as he walked out the door, I shoved him. He came back in yelling that he was calling the cops on me for “hitting him” and my kids heard him and got really upset (first time they had seen it really bad between us). They would have never known I pushed him (I absolutely DID NOT hit him) if he had not come in freaking out. A few days went by and he called and told me he wanted to make it all right and come home – he felt horrible about the emails and that our children had seen what they did. Not “work on reconciling” – COME HOME. I confirmed it three times with him. He told me to get excited – because I was reluctant and confused. We planned an evening where we discussed all the particulars of him coming home and the timeline. He said he would be back by Halloween. I then got overly excited and told the kids Daddy was coming home. I told my parents, friends, co-workers. Put my rings back on. And of course, he started to pull away…. stating he wished I hadn’t told everyone and that maybe he promised something he wasn’t ready to promise out of hurt for the kids seeing what they saw. Of course I freaked out on him – said horrible things, threatened him with the kids and all that would happen if he seriously backed out after promising it and after my kids thought he was coming home. Basically – how dare he make me the butt of the world’s cruelest joke.

Finally I basically told him he HAD to make a decision – come home or divorce, four years of back and forth was enough. I told him I did not want him with us for Halloween if he could not make a decision. I honestly thought that he would never break his daughter’s heart and NOT end up coming home. I was wrong. His decision was divorce. I do not want this. I have to stop this. I have to fix this NOW.

There is validity to my complaints about his fathering. He misses a lot. He does not help much. In 8 years, he has maybe picked our kids up from daycare 3 times. His weekend day that he spends with us ALWAYS revolves around what day he wants to be watching football or go fishing. It is hard doing everything with the kids alone. But when he is around them – he is awesome, and they adore him. After him telling me his decision on Sunday was divorce – I had a meltdown, which went on into Monday. Monday night I called him crying uncontrollably and he told me he did not think he could ever get past the trust issue with the money, that he could not forgive me for it and that why should he believe it won’t happen again, when I have promised it before. He said that my problem in life is that I have never NOT gotten my way, and that is what bothers me now. That I just want a husband, it does not matter if it is him. I responded stating that my money habits really have changed – I have 10 months under my belt as proof. That he was right, I do get my way – but that this was not about getting my way, it is about healing and having a happy family and my children having their father. I told him I wanted my best friend back and I wanted to continue being a better person – to which he replied “THEN DO IT.” He told me that he spoke with a lawyer that day and that because he promised reconciliation and spent the night on Oct 3rd, we would have to wait another year to divorce. I told him that I really don’t think that night would matter after FOUR YEARS of not living together, but he insisted we take the year and that I should be happy about it because I stay on insurance, etc. but that he does want to have legal separation papers drawn up (he has said this several times and we have never had it done – it may not happen this time).

Yesterday morning, I instant messaged him and told him that I understood his position (I am known for begging and pleading and trying to get things turned around). I told him that I would accept his decision (I do not). I told him that more than anything; I really just wanted my best friend back. I said I would sign separation papers and go along with whatever schedule he wanted with the kids. I told him through all the fights, etc, that what hurt the most was seeing those emails and thinking that he seriously hated me. I do not want that. I told him any help he could provide me with the kids so I can work on me (start running again) would be appreciated, but not expected. He responded and said that I will always have his friendship, support and help and to have a good day. He came over last night and saw the kids. I got a hug goodbye. And that is where I am right now.

I want my marriage back. I want my best friend back (we get along SO WELL when we are not fighting). I want my kids to have their dad full time. I want to continue being good with money and work to be a better person towards him. But as of right now – he is no longer working on reconciliation, which I guess leaves him open for dating (this kills me inside). But I guess I am thankful for another year before we divorce and that we are being nice right now, even though I am hurting so bad inside, because I thought he was coming home and this was all over.

I need advice. I need thoughts. Can this be saved at this point? What should I be doing to ensure it can be saved? Sorry this is so long and thanks for any input.

[mscanlon]

Just wanted to add - I have read DR. It is currently loaned to a friend, who is joining the boards today also for problems in her own marriage and will come back to me probably Friday - and I plan on re-reading it - as many times as I need to, to make lasting change this time. REALLY WISH IT WAS IN AN AUDIOBOOK FORMAT!!! - that way I could keep in on play on my iPod in the car.

[Ready2Change]

I need advice. I need thoughts. Can this be saved at this point? What should I be doing to ensure it can be saved? Sorry this is so long and thanks for any input.

Hi sweetie,

Sorry you are going though this. I am glad to see that you have read DR and are planning on reading it again. Check out the other books I have listed on the first post of my thread.

Anything is possible. If you make positive changes in your thoughts, words and actions, positive changes happen in your life. Take this opportunity that has been given to you to make the changes. I committed to personal growth and I believe that was a great decision for ME.

The best thing you can do to save the R is to focus on what you have control of. Your thoughts, words and actions. The positive change you make to your thought process and how you react to H will increase the odds of saving the R.

Find happiness without H. Become the best YOU that you can. Draw H back with the positive change YOU make......


HUGS

[mscanlon]

Hi Ready2Change, thanks so much for taking the time to respond!

I plan on focusing on me and making real changes. My thoughts, my words and my actions (especially my reactions) are the first changes I want to make. I plan on checking out some of the other books that you recommend. As much as I want my marriage back - if it does work out, I definitely want it to be a happy, lasting one and that would require some permanent change on my part.

I plan on using this forum this time to help with this.

Thank you again for your response.

[Ready2Change]

I will keep following your sitch. Let us know how we can help.

Pass out what you want to receive. If you need more support, go offer support to others. Build up you support base here.

[mscanlon]

@Ready2Change: Thanks! And I totally will offer support!!!

[sdharrell74]

I love you too and I want you to know how much I appreciate all of your love and support. You know that you can call me anytime morning, noon, or night.

[mscanlon]

UPDATE AS OF 11/05/09:

I have not been calling him or initiating IM's or TM's. I have been polite and helpful. He was out of town and there was a problem with his work credit card, so I had to move some money around online and make sure he could get his hotel room and the company will just reimburse us. He was kind of short with me on the phone - I calmly said "I am trying to do all I can for you, please do not act sh*tty with me." He stopped and I told him the money was transferred and have a good night and ended the conversation. Just now heard from him today through our blackberry IM:

Messages:
---------
T: On my way home. Thanks again for helping me yesterday. Sorry if I was being pushy. I was tired and worried about how I was gonna get home, room, etc. I will call the house later on. Hope your day has gone okay.

M: No problem. TTYL.
---------

Hope I am doing this all right. Need to know BIG changes I can start to make.

- I know he is OVER relationship talks - so stopping those completely.

- I know he clams up if offered too much, like "want me to do that for you?" or "what do you want for your birthday" - so I am offering nothing.

- MONEY - biggest issue. Making sure I follow my budget tightly and keep up my good progress there.

- Kids - he hates if I use the kids against him - not doing that at all. BUT - should I offer MORE time with them? Should it be like normal with us all together - or make it more one on one with him and the kids? I have been SO against that in the past - I hate being away from my kids. Would easing up on this help? Should I still allow the time during the week? And me just go work out or something?

- Working on me physically - when we fell in love - I was a HUGE runner. He loved that about me. That is more on an off now. I need to start getting back into it.

- He feels I have belittled him a lot in the past. No more of that. BUT should I make it a point to IM him and say positive things now? Or wait until times present themselves to do it subtly? Want him to feel appreciated, like a good dad, good friend, etc - WITHOUT making it seem like it is all for show and trying to make him not divorce me. I really do think good things about him.

Any advice?

[Ready2Change]

First, Just do your best. That way there are no regrets. Your best will change day to day.

Every time you realize that something is not working, you can choose to stop do that.

Need to know BIG changes I can start to make.

I committed to personal growth. That was BIG change for me.

Lets start with the basics:

Patience,Forgiveness,Listening,Validation,Understanding,Compassion,Boundaries,Empathy,Goals.......

Take a good look at yourself. What qualities do you see in others that you would like to have? Learn and practice those. Just keep making positive changes to YOU and H will notice. Become the BEST YOU that you can. Do it for YOU. Find internal happiness without H.


"The Four Agreements" is a great book.
"Radical Forgiveness" is also great.
I have many books listed on the first post of my thread that I highly recommend.

Changing the way YOU interact with H changes the R.

[sdharrell74]

I think that if he does spend time with the kids during the week you should use that time to work out. It is so difficult for us as moms to make the time for ourselves. Remember what you told me: STAY FOCUSED!