W wants D, does it look bad if I file for D?

[brknheart]

So ive been going through hell the past 3 months. Ive gotten to the point where I have to move on, tired of the games my W is playing, tired of her hurtful comments, I just want out. She hasnt filed for D yet, but Ive been thinking about doing it myself. Does it look bad if I file for D even though I didnt want it in the beginning? This may be a stupid question, just curious since it would be on record that "I" wanted the D.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Look bad? Is this a beauty contest? If you need to do it, you do it. You are the only person that has to be content with the decision.

[brknheart]

Well, I dont want her to switch things around later saying I gave up, I wanted the D, etc. I tried everything I can to save our marriage, she keeps pushing away, telling me f-up things, etc. I never wanted this D, but I feel to much damage has been done.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Look, if she is going to try to make you "look" bad, she is going to try to make you look bad. There's not a thing you can do about it. One would hope that the people you care about will either know what happened, or have the good sense to realize that it usually takes two to not tango, and it isn't really their business anyway.

[lonelywolf]

Are there kids involved?

I know in my case I refuse to file. One of my best friends has no relationship with his father because even though the mom is the one who packed up and left with the kids, the father filed first in order to get a better deal - and now, 30 years later none of the kids will talk to him. They still blame him because he filed.

[crossroads]

"Well, I dont want her to switch things around later saying I gave up, I wanted the D, etc. "

your rush? You're only a few months into this, aren't you? The first time my WAW left, it was over 2 years from the day of the bomb drop until she moved back in. I didn't give up on her until over 1-1/2 years after the bomb drop, when she finally admitted to me that she was with someone else.

If you want her back, don't file. Just wait and work on you, and see what transpires. She might very well file on her own at some point. Then again, she might be like my wife, and never file, in which case, only YOU can decide what's best for YOU.

You should sit down with an attorney to discuss the details about divorce in your state and your situation. There are plenty of lawyers who'll do free consultations.

[LolaL]

LOL...it doesn't matter whether you file or not. I filed, and my stbx who wanted the divorce won't sign the waiver of service. Besides, why worry about the piece of paper? Divorce is really just paperwork. If you are not ready to give up on the marriage, then don't.

[Laurie]

Bknheart,
Crossroads makes an important point:
- This painful situation you are experiencing may already seem like an eternity, but relationships take a while to get to a crisis and they take a while to heal and rebuild from a crisis. You have been in this situation a very short time. If you have it within you to be patient, you will discover that you will get stronger and more objective as time continues - then you will be able to make much wiser R decisions - ones you will not regret.

You make an important point as well:
- "I don't want her...saying I gave up, I wanted the D". You are right - it does make a difference if you initiate the D process. Do not take this step quickly (if your goal is to save the M). Filing is a risky thing to do for many reasons. As you stated, your W can claim you gave up. For another, it most likely will push the D process much faster and with more certainty than you may want at this point.

I want you to do all you can to save this M, so I encourage you to slow down making any decisions that could actually speed up a D, OK?

[brknheart]

Bknheart,
\
I want you to do all you can to save this M, so I encourage you to slow down making any decisions that could actually speed up a D, OK?

Thanks for the reply. I decided not to be the one who files. She actually said 3 mths ago she was going to file for divorce, never did. Now she says she doesnt have the time, going to wait until Dec when she graduates. Ive already started moving on, looking for a job in another city, possibly going back to school also. She insist the marriage is over, she will not get back together with me. All she thinks about is the negative things, nothing positive. I still want my W back, im not sure if she even exist anymore...

[brknheart]

@Laurie,

Another thing is she wants me to "get over" her. She even said she was over me. I havent seen in in over 2 weeks and we are only communicating via txt or email. I am not the type of person to give up. She knows this. Like I said before, Im moving on. Weve already talked about who gets what property, etc. Like the DR book says, some S shut the door on M. I believe my WAW has done that...