Thanks to everyone who gave me such a big pat on the back and have been following this thread, keeping me on my feet.I was so blind sided and I really did see a flash of this board in my mind and tried to think of what to say when he told me about the OW. I had practiced the speech a million times. I even have it written down (a much better version) that is saved on my computer. BUT..when the time came, I just blocked and couldn’t think of what to say. I stared at him for a really long time and said nothing and did this breathing thing my counselor taught me and sang this song in my head so I wouldn’t have a panic attack. I breathed and the world stayed turning and I did not collapse. Do you know how amazing that felt? Every pain and trial I weather makes me so much stronger than the moment before.
Since the 9th I have done really well some days and not so well on others. I will say that he and I have had some discussions about the M and both of our A’s. I have told him that my sincere desire is to have a marriage that includes two emotionally healthy people who model a healthy , loving relationship for our daughter. That is my goal and he affirmed that’s his goal too. I have not been able to get clear enough to have a convo that contains a laundry list of boundries, however, what I have done is state what my needs are in terms that H is capable of understanding. I need to feel respected and valued. Of course I need more than that but that's the core of all of it. I gave him instances when he has done a really good job of that and told him I need more of “that” behavior. I find that my H does much better when I tell him what he’s doing right than what he’s doing wrong. The response is sooo much better. Plus, it makes me feel better that I am not “mothering” him and scolding him for wrongdoing as is our toxic behavior pattern. We have discussed the OW and contact with her. What I have told him is that my first reaction was one of shock and self protection. That we would take it day by day and I did not want to give a hard line of “divorce” if there is contact. However, my hope is that he is sincere in his renewed commitment and respects me in all areas of his life. If he truly does this…OW will become a memory for us of a situation we got through and were stronger for.
Our retainer from the divorce mediator is being returned to us. We have made plans to attend both of our companies x-mas parties togehther. He also invited me to go see “New Moon” in the next few weekends and we have spent two Sat. in a row doing a few thing alone without DD. There is much more “we” and “us” and talks about whats going to happen in the future. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that, at times, I melt into all of this a little too readily. I know that’s not what a good DB’er should do but the fact is that I’m also human and looking into the eyes of a loving, smiling husband is really heady stuff. I admit to also doing stupid stuff like making sure he says “I love you” first before I say it and not being all that ready to be the first one to let my foot slide over to his side of the bed. I really am doing my best to just not simply “give in” to all of it, but I’m struggling. I am also trying not to overreact about things and realize that, since I’m committing to this path of staying committed to my marriage, I have to try and trust him in little ways. It’s hard to trust what he’s saying though. He has allowed me unfettered access to his computer and phone and I have let him on mine. We are starting little by little to let each other in. There are still moments like yesterday when he said he was struggling with internal demons and was just not feeling “in the marriage”. Assured me it wasn’t about OW, wasn’t that he wasn’t committed to me, DD or marriage and it was all about him and what’s in his head. He said he didn’t want to discuss it but thought us both going to the ADHD relationship coach would be something helpful because so many of his toxic behaviors, he feels, stem from his ADHD and depression issues. His words, not mine.
So, folks, I’m doing the best I can. I am making some mistakes and I’m also doing some really good stuff too. The point to all of this is that I think I am feeling hopeful. It’s a true hope..not the wishing on a star hope. It's a hope that's softly grounded in reality. I am also very mindful that this can all end in a moment…but have a certainty in my soul that I will be ok whatever comes my way. I have done EVERYTHING to save both me and my relationship. My side of the street is getting cleaner by the second. I really am becoming the person that I want to be and a person my God and my child can be proud of. To me, if the pain brought that clarity and growth into my life….bring it on. It really has transformed me into the best Gina I can be.
Peace,
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
Well,it's happened. His buddy's are going out and he emailed me to ask if I had any plans on Saturday night and wants to go.
This is when it gets tough. These are guys who are not people of substance. I cannot tell him that I forbid him to go. I am not his mother or the police. I feel, though, like I want to say something to him about my feelings but I also don't want him to think I'm as threatened as I am. This mistrust thing has been a big issue in our M.
Any guidence would be helpful. I think this may be a good post to help me segway over to the Infidelity board. I sooo don't want to admit that's where I need to be..but it's reality and that's where I am.
Peace...gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
I'm trying to circle back, and figure out where you are with this, which was wisely prescribed by Oldtimer:
Quote:
Finally, you've both had As. If you are going to move forward, full transparency on BOTH your parts is called for. Share all email accounts, all passwords, all cell phone records. Account for all of your time. BOTH of you. Keep computer time PUBLIC. Complete transparency.
Did you ever get agreement on that from your husband? It does seem to me that he's telling you where he's going, and who he's going to be with, and you're going to have to trust him, so long as the other transparency pieces are in place.
I would still verify, tho, if it were me, either thru GPS or a drive-by to make sure he is where he says he is. I would not tell him I'm doing this.
Hi (((Gina))) I think there is a way to state to your H what your concerns are without being "mothering" or controlling. You can let him know calmly and clearly that, given everything that has happened in your M and how fragile things still are, that you are going to find it difficult to relax and trust him Sat. night. Ask him what he would be willing to do to help that situation? Let him be a problem solver. Maybe he will suggest calling you a few times or something... At least this way, he will know how you feel. You are not controlling, you are not forbidding him... but you are stating how you feel.
HOwever... I am also with Puppy that I would definitely consider a drive by or gps in a sitch like that....
You know that, as Puppy says, "Cheaters Lie" and that becomes a habit that takes a long time to change, even when they are sincerely wanting to work on the M.
His buddy's are going out and he emailed me to ask if I had any plans on Saturday night and wants to go.
This is where it gets tough???? Not in the least..
"Oh, thanks for reminding me. I forgot to tell you that a couple of my girlfriends wanted me to go see the Chippendales on Saturday night. This works out great. So, for sure, go ahead and go out with the boys. Take care. Ta ta."
You fight fire with fire with men. If he goes out, then YOU go out. Just make sure you go out so that there is the possibility to mingle with the opposite sex. Getting mad at him or being his mommy doesn't work. Letting him know that you aren't sitting home moping, but actually sounding like you would RATHER do something else does work. Then let HIM make the next contact. If he calls while you are out, do NOT answer and do not call him back until the next morning...
You need to wake up. When your man wants to go out on a Saturday night without you, then that is a big RED FLAG. He is using his friends for his cover. Don't be a fool and fall for this. You can't stop him from going and shouldn't even let him think you want to stop him, but you had better do the same thing and let him be aware that you too are out and about among the opposite sex on a Saturday night. WITHOUT HIM and enjoying it. With YOUR girlfriends as YOUR excuse.
You know that, as Puppy says, "Cheaters Lie" and that becomes a habit that takes a long time to change, even when they are sincerely wanting to work on the M.
Well, I was thinking more of "Trust -- but verify," but yeah.
(1) In this case, you BOTH had As. I wouldn't suggest that you play too many games. BE who you want to be in a good R. I hope that person isn't withholding... Anyway, how are you going to build the R you want if you aren't the person you want to be in that R?
(2) When I read your question about H's friend, my reaction was: WhoTF do you think you are to judge H's friends as being people that lack substance? And so what if they do???? You think you somehow need to regulate the quality of your husband's friends????? YUCK. MYOFB. H wants to go out and have fun. If YOU have a problem with his absence, then disclose it. Quit making YOUR problem about him. So, what is your problem exactly?
-- you believe he will interact with OW while out with the guys? -- you believe he will cheat on you in some way when out with the guys? -- you worry that he won't see the guys at all, but meet up with OW? -- you want him to spend the time with you? -- you don't want him seeing unsubstantive people??
The first 3 reasons are about lack of trust. Communicate this directly: "Sure, have fun with your friends. I do feel a bit scared that you'll interact with OW though. So, I'd really like it if you could text me some while you are out. It will take time for us to rebuild the trust, and staying in touch when we are in potentially risky settings will be a helpful part of that process." Personally, I think this goes a lot farther in terms of trust-building and intimacy-building that following him around.
The fourth reason is maybe a little needy. Either suck it up and GAL yourself, or, let him know. "Your choice. I'll be missing you if you go though and make it worth your while, wink wink, if you stay."
The fifth reason really is YOUR problem. H can have friends that you don't think much of, judging another adult's friends really is inappropriate and parental. Back off.
