I don't think you ever did say what the problem was between you & your W. You just said there had been ups & downs over the past couple of years. When you talk about her, it sounds like she is the "boss" in the family and you take a back seat to her. Maybe it's just me, IDK, but you appear to be indecisive about every subject that comes up....even when we are trying to offer suggestions. I'm thinking that she might be turned on to see a man who really knows what he wants and then stands up to her to get it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, your right. I am indecisive. I guess I have spent years trying to make her happy by doing things she wanted to do rather than things I wanted to do. I guess I got there cause whenever I made s suggestion, she discarded it, so I stopped and she has told me she is sick of making all the decisions. I have been working on it, but I still have a fair way to go. Even with the house, I made some decisions that she didn't like and she would say "it doesn't make sense, it's not logical" and stuff like that. I did stand up to her and I said that it made sense to me and I didn't purposly do something to upset her. So I got to the stage where I would ask her what she wanted and just do that.
But now when I stand up to her it leads to an argument.
But now when I stand up to her it leads to an argument.
In spite of what some women "think" they want......they really don't want to call every shot all the time. They truly want their man to speak his mind. Then, she has the freedom to express her thoughts as well and hopefully they can come to a compromise.......but if not, somebody has to be the "president" over this business of M.
I read once that anything that had two heads was a monster. I know a lot of females would scream if they read what I often write, and I for one believe in equal rights, but in a M somebody has to have the final say. In some things.....I think the woman would probably know best, and in other things the man knows. I personally think it is very unattractive for the W to take over and run the entire show, and I think the man can be a bully when he does so. In a good MR the partners will respect each other's POV and one of them will usually take a back seat....depending on the subject matter.
In your case, you have allowed your W to be "boss" about everything for all this time.....and she has grown into the monster, but she has had the power (so to speak) too long to know how to lay it down without a fight. You have been way, way too passive. I don't think women like men who are passive. They may like men who are quite, or shy.......but if her H is passive in the MR, she will eat him alive. She will lose all respect in him as a man. I think that is what has happened with your W. She may not say it, or you might not think so....but in her heart, she wants you to man up and take charge in some issues. Givng in to her and always allowing her to have her way is not how you make a woman happy! I think if you were to go to your computer search and type in making her happy, that it might shed some light on that subject for you.
I am not wanting you to turn into a bully, but just stand up to her. Yes, she will probably fight you tooth & nail in the beginning, but she will respect you. She won't like it, but she'll respect you. And she must respect you in order to be sexually attracted to you. That is just how women are wired.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 I am new to this website and have enjoyed your posts and am looking for some advise. I have a situation that is some where between WAW and a MLC. It has escalated very fast. I have ordered the DR and it can't come fast enough. I realize that is for me to read not her. I have already made some mistakes based on reading this website. Which has escalated things rapidly. She now is very close to moving out which I have reused to do.I got the "I am not physically attracted to you". This is what she is struggling with the most. How do you get the passion back. I think she would reconsider staying if she could figure this out. Is there any dvds or books on this site that you could recommend for the 2 of us, or for her to read that might help? If you want to read my situation read post #189780. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance
Went over in the morning for our son to open his presents. It was nice. We had a quick breakfast and I played with our son and his new toys for a little then I left. During breakfast, I noticed her staring at me and when I made eye contact, she would look away.
Her uncle called me to wish me merry christmas and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine, that I have accepted it, and am moving on with my life now. He told me he thought she was making a mistake, but in the end, it was her decision. (he also called her an idiot when he first found out). He then said that we need to make sure my son is our first priority. I said "of course" and that we have been cival when it came to our son.
W got me a present (as I did for her). In her card she thanked me for being a great father and for always putting our son first.
Picked up my son from her uncles place (they had christmas lunch there). I did go in even though my family said not to. I guess the way I saw it, was that did nothing wrong and had no reason to be embarrassed. I wished every-one merry christmas with a smile on my face. I did notice they all looked me up and down. This has been the first time I've seen them since we split. Then I saw one of her aunties, and she gave me a big hug, and then looked me up and down and freaked out. She said I looked great. She kept going on about how good I looked (while W was standing behind me) and she asked me what I had been doing to loose the weight etc. I was even surprised by her reaction. I had to leave as she kept going on about it. It felt good though.
She asked me if I wanted some desert as they were getting it ready. I declined. I got my sons stuff, said goodbye to every-one and left. I left feeling good.
No change between W and I though. Would be interested to hear peoples comments.
But now when I stand up to her it leads to an argument.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
In spite of what some women "think" they want......they really don't want to call every shot all the time. They truly want their man to speak his mind. Then, she has the freedom to express her thoughts as well and hopefully they can come to a compromise.......but if not, somebody has to be the "president" over this business of M.
This, and the rest of Sandi's post means a lot to me. Attempting to please my W, I've let W take the lead and then been surprised when she resented me for it. Now that I've started making my own decisions, I often have to deal with her anger, but I can often tell that there is some relief and RESPECT in her eyes. Of course I have to get past her spew of anger first. Sandi is very articulate, and how she describes doing this without being a bully is right on target. Even though it's really making my W angry , I do think it's the one area she is respecting me in right now.
By the way, sounds like you handled christmas great Stu. I'm glad you had a good day with your S. It was good to hear the reaction of your inlaws! So what if theres "no change in W". You left feeling good. Congrats in your self-growth/improvement.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I need to ask a question. When does some-one know when they should give up? W has packed all my stuff and nothing has changed. I think I'm at that stage of giving up.
She has told more of her family that she wasn't happy, and she is happier now.
