I wanted to post over here just to get some feedback. I don’t think I’m anywhere near piecing yet but would love to know what to do about where we are right now.
Just a short background…WAW from emotionally unavailable H after last straw moment in May and move to parents w/ 4 year old daughter. H pursues like crazy but I don’t believe him because promises have been made time and time again and never kept. I come to my senses about breaking up DD’s family and come back on June 21st. My husband now has had a PA and doesn’t want reconciliation, makes appointment at mediator, we go, he changes tune slightly and says he will try, we go to counseling and Retrouvaille. Come back from Retrouvaille on 9/13 in worse shape than going in and he is adamant that marriage is over and wants out but has no money to leave our house. Since then, we are living like friends with benefits. He comes and goes as he pleases, joins DD and I on family things when and if he wants, is affectionate when he wants to be and cold when he wants to be. Is overspending his own money and dipping into “ours” even though he was adiment about getting his own checking account. He is ADHD w/ depression issues so sometimes life skills are hard for him and checking accounts are just NOT his thing.
Last night, out of the blue, during a mundane convo, H says that he is just “there in the house because he can’t afford to move and still wants a D”. My response was “and why do you want the D?” He said “Cuz Im not happy”. My response was “Have you considered the fact that the marriage isn’t whats making you unhappy but, perhaps, internal issues are making you unhappy”. He said “Yes, I have considered that”. I asked what the next steps where and he said that he didn’t have any plan to leave or anything and he felt that it was best for all of us if he stayed to help financially until all debts were paid off and he could leave when he was financially ready. I said nothing more, went upstairs, he came upstairs, climbed into bed and pleasantly chatted with me until he went to sleep.
How do I deal with this? I cannot move out of the bedroom. My 4 year old was so freaked out that we were sleeping in different bedrooms that it was painful for both of us to watch her so sad and unhappy. We live in the same house, eat meals together, do things together…but, ultimately, he’s just waiting to divorce me. I mean, how to I mentally deal with that. All this time I have working hard on me, my issues, my part in the breakdown of everything, therapy, GAL’ing and detaching. Where do I go from here? Do I go back to last resort stuff? Do I just do the basics of DB’ing? WHAT??? Has anyone been in this situation? I mean, if you want to leave me…LEAVE. Don’t stay and stay and once I work my *ss off to get our debts paid off, THEN you’ll leave? Well, I have a 2 year plan for the debt repayment and I am the one with full responsibility for that. He simply can’t handle the finances. Heck, he didn’t even give me the full part of his budget deposit anyway…he said he overspent and doesn’t have it…which I can’t prove because I have no access to any of his accounts. UGH…advice please…just a little lost and frankly very sad today. Trying to stay positive but it’s getting hard.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
You have time on your side to show him just how cool you are and how great your relationship can be.
Don't you?
However, if every day, he comes home and you guys mope around, because of this weight hanging over you...hell yeah...who wants that?
This isn't easy and it isn't for whimps, but you have a great chance to show him how worth it you are.
Fake it till you make it.
You're right though...I wouldn't say you're in piecing. That's more like when both of you are working toward rebuilding. That doesn't mean you shouldn't post here though.
You are going to get alot of differing advice, from tough love to doormat, it is up to you to determine what is right for you, and bear in mind that every poster has a story as to why they post the way they do. : )
LRT? I don't think so...
I think GAL and Positive attitude around him...enjoy the moments with him...
However if PA still exists...that might need to be changed.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks so much for the affirmation and positive response.
I do have time on my side but I will tell you that no matter what I do, don't do, say, don't say..it's just never enough. I am typically a very, peppy, happy and pleasant person to be around. I know how important it is that i still maintain this type of attitude. It's good for me, for my daughter and for DB'ing. Despite this, my husband is just typically an isolater that sees the bad in everything. We have a really good time when we're together but we do have this parent/child relationship that I'm working very hard to break. I keep getting sucked back in however and I HAVE to work on my boundries. He is the silly, never serious, hates structure, budgets, doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do sort of guy..this can be inharent with ADHD behavior. I, in lieu of the fact that left to his devices, we would be penniless and homeless, has to reign that free spirit in. He sees it as controlling. I see it as self/family preservation.
No, this isn't for whimps and I've really been trying to be the best DB'er I can but it gets hard when you're trying everything and nothing is working. The one thing I haven't tried is just telling him that our daughter and I deserve so much more than someone who is just biding there time waiting to leave...so if you're gonna leave...please do it now. It would be a 180 but it's also not what I really want. I think that would go under the tough love advice you were talking about.
To my knowledge, he has ended the PA and did so when he recommited back in August. But do I know that with all certainty???? NO.
I feel like I'm at the end but with the potential of a new beginning. God, I just sure wish he would get emotionally healthy enough to see the blessing he has in us. He really is an great Dad in so many ways and loves DD soooo much. I guess the point is that I can't worry about his emotional health and only focus on mine...which I am doing, really...I'm working on that full bore.
Thanks so much for the insights...Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
So...yeah, I know your sitch feels tricky, and to be honest, I don't think I have all the answers after having been in this fight for years now, but here's my first reaction:
You sound pretty self-aware, understand that boundaries and GAL are key, and they are. H's issues are his issues and nothing happens with them until he decides to do something about them.
Gosh, that looks like a simple concept on the computer screen. In reality, it's a daily battle, figuring out what your boundaries are, finding the strength to stick to them, finding ways to distract and care for yourself...if you put everything you have into that, you'll know what to do when it's time. In the meantime, I fully support Jack's suggestions: enjoy the good moments, and do everything you can to show him (and you!) how truly great you are.
You are so right...it is a battle. Some days I win, some days I struggle to just to stand up. Last night we had such a fun convo in bed and we went to sleep on such a nice note. Then this morning he's like a different persona and I'm the enemy. I was all smiles anyway in front of him and my daughter and when they left I just sat down on the steps, head in hand and cried my eyes out.
It's sooo hard to be happy and up and perky when you are hurting sooo badly inside. It's almost like denying your feelings and it's never good to do that. I know we are supposed to be these super people that our spouses just can't resist but the truth of the matter is that they are hurting us..ALOT....why on earth would we be expected to walk around happy and acting like we're fine. We aren't fine. Not by a long shot. But, this is what people tell me is the only thing that seems to work so I'm doing it. My daughter needs me to fight and do the impossible so that she will NEVER have to miss one of us during a holiday. She deserves a two parent home. I brought her into this world and she looks to me to make the right decisions...and to my H too of course but right now he's not in his right mind so I need to be the sane one and bare the unbareable. If you asked me a year ago if I could endure this, I would've never said yes but I am...and I can..at least for today.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
Oh, hon, I know it's soo hard. Some days (well, most) it's excruciating to keep going through the motions. Some days it would be nice to be the crazy one.
But you're not crazy, and you can do hard things...you already are. And this will not last forever. One way or another, it will change. It may take a long time, but you won't be stuck here indefinitely.
It helps to get to a place where you're acting from a place of confidence and self- control. Where you are able to actively choose your actions as an expression of inner strength rather than fear. I remember reading that concept when I started with DB, and was mystified, but it came. Act as if until you get there.
Also, there are coping strategies for dealing with toxic people...those who change the rules every time you come close to complying with their impossible demands. Do a Google search and see if you come up with some new ways of dealing with his antics. Put your effort into what YOU can do, and you'll be okay.
It's okay to lose it. It's okay to stumble. Just keep getting up. A day at a time.
