Good morning to all that our there. My situation looks like this at this point. My wife of seven years left three weeks ago to move in with her parents. We have two children ages 1 and 3. She has been saying for quite sometime that she is miserable and not happy. We tried counseling but she only wanted to go for 6 sessions. She had left for 2 days in the month of May and after she came back i wondered if she was really trying to work on our marriage. She left one of the cribs at her parents and alot of her personal belongings. I would tell her if were going to make this marriage work we have to be fully committed to that. I feel like she hasnt been since then. There are many things that have happened this last year and its been hard on both of us. First she was pregnant for most of 2008 and had a really hard pregnancy. She said that I wasnt there for her when she was sick. I come to find out during her six and seven months into the pregnancy that she had been speaking to a M friend about 200-300 times per month? When I found out about she stopped but there been alot of insecurity on my part ever since. I lost my job of 17 years in Oct 2008. We had to file BK and lost our home to foreclosure in Aug of 2009.I think that alot of the financial problems created a huge void in our marriage. I thought we would be able to survive but she just cant handle it anymore and has stated she is "moving on with her life". She initial left via a text message stating that she was miserable and couldnt live this way anymore. We had been living at my parents until we could get back on our feet. I have tried the first week she was gone to talk to her and convince her to at least try to make things work. Her attitude got worse by the day. I have completly backed off at this point. I recieved the book bd via anoymouus family member that sent it apparently to both of us. I asked her if she recieved and if she read it and this was her reply." No i will not be reading it whoev! er sent it was out of line". Any advice from anyone. Thanks
Me 39 W 33 Married 7yrs Together 10 2 children 3 and 1 Says"She's moving on with her life"
Welcome aboard. You'll find good people here to try to guid you, give support, etc. Hope you will come to read threads and post to others on their thread b/c that will build up your support group.
You mentioned the book....was it the DR or DB book? I hope you will read it, but your W won't due to the frame of mind she is in now. Don't even try to get her to read, watch movies on M, or listen to information on M....b/c it realy will make her worse. She is in rebellion and the more she is pressed about anything to save the MR....the more pressure it is to her and it will backfire badly.
I was almost a WAW and so I know some of those feelings she's having. There was a time shortly after my first child was born that I left my H for just a week, but was talked into going back to him. I didn't want to b/c I knew he would be putting pressure on me. W's hate that!
Even though women like to be pursued when a man wants to date her....she does not want to be pursued by the H she is leaving. She doesn't like him and does not want to be near him. The more he makes excuses to talk to her, get close to her.....touch her....she can't stand it! She may try to be civil about it, but her insides are about to jump out.
Not exactly the kind of things you were wanting to hear, is it? One thing we are around here....honest. Some of us are more plain spoken than others, but we get down to the business of trying to bust a divorce. More importantly, we get to the business of trying to help you become the better person. In fact, become the best you've ever been.....and you don't do it for her. You don't even do it for the kids. Yes, they are important, but in order for the techniques to be successful......this has to be for you! Maybe that sounds selfish, IDK, but it won't work until you realize it has to be for your good, okay? You find out what I mean as we go along.
So, your W, is she in the house with you...but she still has stuff at her parent? Well, that's a statement, right? You are going to see a lot of stuff that just messes with your head all the time, and the sooner you can learn to just flip it off and don't get all fluster about it, the sooner you are going to be on your way of understanding what this is all about.
I'll be checking back tomorrow to see if you've been back on board. In the meantime, I want to give you a list that gets passed around to newcomers, and I think it will be a quick list for you to see a glimpse of DB principles/techiques. I call it the DO'S & DON'T OF A LBS (and this works really well if they are still under the same roof, but if not...do your best).
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I want to thank you so much for your info. I will continue to try to stay strong and move on with my life. Ive been raeding lots of books , working out every day and trying to stay positive.The sites been a great place to talk to others that our going thru some of the same things. Thanks again
Me 39 W 33 Married 7yrs Together 10 2 children 3 and 1 Says"She's moving on with her life"
Another thing you will find is that your relatives/friends will not be able to stay unbiased due to their connection with you. I don't want to sound like I'm saying to stay away from them, b/c that's not it. But if you discuss your M problem with them, they will emotionally involved and may not give you the information you need to hear. The people on the board are speaking mostly from experience and from a lot of reading & studying other posters threads. It is better for you to try not to discuss your MR with your family/friends and come here to "vent" your frustrations and ask questions, etc. When you just need to journal, you might say that in your post.....b/c sometimes you might not want advice and just want to write down your feelings.
Anyway, tell us more about the stitch so we can try to help. Sounds like you are starting out with some good steps. Taking care of yourself physically is so important. What do you do for fun? Do you have a hobby or into sports?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I also wanted to tell you that your W could be suffering from other things that has caused her to be very depressed and that adds strain to the MR.
Can you tell us if she showed any of the similar signs when she was pregnant with the first child?
I know that losing a job can feel very scary when you have a family to support. It is good you have parents who can give you a place to stay, but I also know what that can do to you personally....and to your MR. I hope that you can find a job and are able to move out soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have a new job started in Jan 2009. I was out of work last Oct 2008 thru the new year. Right when our daughter was born. She had really difficult pregnancies with both babies.
Me 39 W 33 Married 7yrs Together 10 2 children 3 and 1 Says"She's moving on with her life"
She left about on Oct 4th via text stating that she was so misrable she couldnt live this way anymore. We have a really rough year and a half. She just couldnt take it anymore. She said shes unhappy everyday.
Me 39 W 33 Married 7yrs Together 10 2 children 3 and 1 Says"She's moving on with her life"
Okay, when you say she had difficult pregnancies, do you mean physically or emotionally? Can you explain a little about it? What I was refering to was her mental/emotional. Was she acting the same way both times she was pregnant? What about after the birth each time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
