I am brand new here and hope that people will provide me with some good insight and strenth to continue trying to save my marriage Wife an I have been married 15 years with three children under 18. I got the I love you but not in love with you speech and found out about the affair a few months later. It was a DEEP affair. She was saying he was her soul mate etc etc. The OM was married. She stayed in the marriage with me and went NC with the guy but she was having major withdrawal pains and the OM opened the affair up again by giving her flowers and a note on her Birthday 1 year ago. I did not know this. They stayed in contact and I finally found out again and we seperated. She said we were inco0mpatible and that she didn't love me the way she needed to make her happy. She subsequently kept dating the OM in secret. The affair was exposed to her parents friends and family and she admitted that affected her relationship. Fast forward to one month ago. We started becoming frineds again (5 months after seperation) but I found out she was still talking to the OM even though I found out the truth. I told her I could not have a relationship with her in any form while she was with this man. I NC'd her in the first few months and she did not want to go back to that. She sent me a frantic letter saying she wants to be a big part of my life and vice versa. She apologized about everything etc. etc. She was speaking with him to wrap up lose ends emotionally and that it was finally over (hmm I 've heard that before). I decide 5 days ago to expose the affair tot he OM's wife and that was that. My wife told me the truth about EVERYTHING. Things I didn't know..Things she knew would make me angry. She hates him now because she see's how he manipulated her and she understands that she screwed up royally. IN all this thought there is no talk of reconciliation. I think she wants to be friends for the sake of the kids but still doesn't realize the full affect of divorce. She said she sees the changes I made, but the reason she seperated was because of the OM. She was very forward. She is in major withdrawl pains now because with exposure there is a definate sense f finality. My question is what the heck now.
I know what I want. I want the marriage I went the family I want her...But only under my terms. I need to know she has grown from this, I need to know that she understands the dynamics of an affair and how love is just not about a bunch of hormone charged feelings found in an affair. I couldn't stay married to her If I thought she felt true love were based on feelings found inside an addiction. These are things she will have to figure out for herself. I DO WANT THE MARRIAGE. I just don't know where to go from here. I had a long term plan that only took me to this point (breaking up of the affair and having my wife see him for who he is), but where do I go from here is the question. I got a DB coach and will ask her but I am curious to know what the community thinks.
I know what I want. I want the marriage I went the family I want her...But only under my terms. I need to know she has grown from this, I need to know that she understands the dynamics of an affair and how love is just not about a bunch of hormone charged feelings found in an affair. I couldn't stay married to her If I thought she felt true love were based on feelings found inside an addiction. These are things she will have to figure out for herself. I DO WANT THE MARRIAGE. I just don't know where to go from here. I had a long term plan that only took me to this point (breaking up of the affair and having my wife see him for who he is), but where do I go from here is the question. I got a DB coach and will ask her but I am curious to know what the community thinks.
If she has really broken it off, it is going to take her some time to recover. Don't expect her to really be over it for a while. In the meantime, do some self analysis. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Be the best you that you can be. Don't let yourself be needy, or clingy. By being confident and comfortable with yourself, you will be more attractive to her, as she starts to come back. You don't have to make it easy for her, but you do want it to be safe for her. Don't be in a hurry.
