It was between she and her personal trainer. I should have known something was up when I saw on her phone bill that she had more than 2700 text messages last month. She initially denied that he ever said "I love you" in a text. Wrong. Then she denied that she ever said "I love you in a text." Also a lie. She's now claiming there's been nothing physical but has acknowledged she loves him. This hurts man. I never would've guessed. Where do I go from here?
I'm sorry, but ALL CHEATERS LIE -- period. The sooner you come to grips with this, the better you will be, emotionally. Assume the worst (full-blown PA) at this point, and act accordingly.
I know how you feel, man. My wife (then 47) had an affair with her 28yo personal trainer. We were on the throes of divorce, twice, but are now reconciled.
Is this really a surprise to you? 2700+ text messages?? What else is going on in your marriage, life? Any kids?
The more you can tell us, the more we can help. For right now, DON'T DO ANYTHING. Do NOT confront her, do not reveal that you know. If you think you can handle it, you may want to try to get some more intel.
It's too late. As soon as I saw the messages I left the house. She telephoned to inquire whether I had been on her telephone. There must have been a trail as she immediately began to claim nothing was going on. It was only when I advised that I had forwarded the text did she acknowledge that he might have said "I love you". This was the precise message: "Subject: I love u have a great run xo" She must have telephoned another 15 times and left several irate telephone messages with statements to the effect that she's going to sue me for slander if I make "false accusations" and she's going to take me for everything I'm worth. When I got home she was extremely angry and told me repeatedly how I can kiss her ass. married 13 years together 14. Me 46; WAS 37. S12, S10 and D7. Bomb was dropped July 22. I knew (from the history section of the computer) that she had been looking at his FB photos every second day or so starting in July. I didn't think anything of it. However, I some some of your posts, Puppy, where you were telling others that the language the WAS was using had all the signs of a PA. The language was virtually identical to what WAS had been telling me. I think that made me face reality. On the way home I did stop in and tell her mother. She didn't believe me - he also serves as her personal trainer! Initially following the bomb i thought there were positive signs. She said she loved me (but that she just couldn't live with me) and initiated hugs on several occasions. However, that didn't stop her from retaining legal counsel. She's pushing hard but we're still a long ways off.
You can see that I already slipped (before I got to this board) in terms of your advice: DON'T DO ANYTHING. I'll heed it from this point. However, what do i do now? She's gone out. Not sure if she's gone to see personal trainer or a girlfriend.
OK, I've read the few prior posts you've had on here. You've given her ALL of the power, and you've been supplicating (ex: all the hugs and joking), and you can see where that's gotten you.
She's playing you.
What do you want to do? You don't need to decide tonite (well, okay, maybe you DO, if you keep doing impulsive things like talking to your mother and getting into it with your W). Do you think you can avoid her for 24 hours, while you do some planning?
No, you don't need to decide tonite, but what you DO decide will define the rest of your life, and that of your sons (and your daughter, too, of course).
You can see that I already slipped (before I got to this board) in terms of your advice: DON'T DO ANYTHING. I'll heed it from this point. However, what do i do now? She's gone out. Not sure if she's gone to see personal trainer or a girlfriend.
However, what do i do now? She's gone out. Not sure if she's gone to see personal trainer or a girlfriend.
Not relevant. What you need to do is start detaching yourself emotionally before you drive yourself crazy.
Livestrong.com article on detachment is here and local forum thread on detachment is here.
If she knows that you know, I'd advise against snooping any further. If she's accusing you of going around telling people stuff, then she's probably already deleting any incriminating emails, text msgs, etc.; and and if you're not careful, you will find something that will really send you over the edge (like proof of a physical encounter).
PDT is right; you are better off assuming the worst (physical affair) and have it not be as bad as you think.
I'm not an affair-buster, so I'll leave the rest of the advice to the pros around here...
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thanks, Puppy. I'll stay clear and avoid any more silly spontaneous moves. I doubt that she's going to attempt to discuss R with me but if she does I'll avoid same.
If you haven't already done so, you need to make an appt. with a good family law attorney, immediately (as in THIS WEEK). Preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues.
You don't need to DO anything (like file); just learn your rights, options, responsibilities and potential vulnerabilities.
Is yours a "fault" state, or a "no-fault" state when it comes to divorce and adultery?
So, MEET WITH AN ATTORNEY -- that's Move #1.
Move #2 is to take steps immediately to firewall your family's finances from your wife's reckless behavior. Considering her current state of mind, I would NOT put it past her to squander -- if not totally deplete -- your family's finances. Her's brain's a mess of endorphines and entitlement right now, and she's capable of things that you would NOT ordinarily think she was. I'm not saying this to scare you, but to PREPARE you, and to urge you to protect yourself. All joint bank accounts and joint credit cards or lines of credit -- SEPARATE, if possible. Tell them "Our family is concerned about my wife's erratic behavior, and I find the need to protect myself and my children. What are my options?" -- they can usually help.
1. Protect yourself LEGALLY;
2. Protect yourself FINANCIALLY;
3. GIVE HER A WIDE BERTH -- DON'T ENGAGE; validate, dodge, bob 'n weave.
Was your mom supportive? Do you have a good male friend, or priest or pastor that you could talk to? You also may want to consider talking to your doctor, and considering anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds. They really help.
Puppy
Puppy[b][/b]
Last edited by Puppy Dog Tails; 10/27/0903:04 AM. Reason: words in BOLD added
