Am I at this stage?

[Lll54]

Well to make a long story short. My husband left me about 4 weeks ago. We have two little boys so we have been in contact about 3-4 times a week. We have had ONE talk since it happened about 2 weeks ago and he basically said that nothing has changed and he has no desire to come home. I have been absolutely devastated through this, it was a complete bomb when this all went down. I didn't see it coming from a mile away. So after going to counseling I have realized there are a lot of things that I need to work on and change. I have been doing that the past 4 weeks and I feel have made tremendous leaps. So yesterday my H comes over to see the kids and we hang out for a bit and it gets on the topic of us somehow. He goes on to tell me how much I've changed and how he has seen a new me come out of this. And he talked about the future a bit and his plans for renovating our home and buying a new truck so we both have nice reliable vehicles, etc. He then came over to me and gave me a huge hug so huge that it lasted about 2 1/2 hours. We cuddled and kissed and one thing lead to another. After it was all done he had plans later in the evening so he got ready to go and kissed me and told me he would talk to me soon. And that's it. Its been 24 hours, I haven't heard from him and I don't know what to think. Does this mean I'm in this stage of piecing back my marriage? Thanks!

[TrentC]

Until he is willing to reconcile (and says so!), you are not. You're not even living in the same house right now.

At this point, he's getting the best of both worlds. He got to sleep with you and then blow you off for a day. You let your guard down, and he took advantage of it.

Until he moves back in full-time, he should get no make-out sessions, no backrubs, and especially no sex!

There's a good boundary for you to set:

"I know that you have a lot that you're thinking about right now [validating his feelings] but the kids and I need to have some stability in our lives. So until you decide to move back in full-time, I don't feel it's a good idea for us to be romantic."

[Lll54]

That's exactly what it feels like! "He got to sleep with me, then blew me off today!" It was not what I was expecting at all! Not after nearly 3 hours of good change, reconciliation talk. Ugh...

[TrentC]

And that's why you should set the boundary I described.

You're not controlling him or punishing him, you are setting a limit for yourself. When he really wants to come back to you, then he gets the privilege of your affection and intimacy.

[TrentC]

And I second the suggestion that lostforwords made in the other thread -- go buy a hot new outfit or two, that make you look in the mirror and go "I look fantastic!"

I stopped wearing my old T-shirts and worn-out jeans (I only do that if I'm doing house or yard work now) and started wearing long-sleeve shirts -- a 180 for me, I normally hate long-sleeved shirts -- and bought a couple pairs of nice pants. I also started wearing aftershave and cologne (another 180).

My wife hasn't said anything about the change in dress yet but she has noticed the aftershave.

It does wonders for your self-esteem, especially if you go out into public.

[Lll54]

Good for you Trent! I feel like when they are noticing the physical changes we are making a huge step! I've lost 15 pounds since this started and my H is commenting on it all the time. I know he thinks I look good, I'm almost down to my "pre-baby" weight, and that probably gets to him. I've been trying to lose the weight for 6 months and haven't been able to and now that I have, he's like "what?" "why now"...hmmm probably gets him thinking and wondering...I love it! Coming from a woman, cologne is definitely going to do wonders for you...mmmm...it would for me! Good luck!

[TrentC]

Good for you Trent! I feel like when they are noticing the physical changes we are making a huge step!

I would agree with that.

I've been trying to lose the weight for 6 months and haven't been able to and now that I have, he's like "what?" "why now"...hmmm probably gets him thinking and wondering...I love it!

Strictly speaking, I'd keep that under your hat. it's good that he notices the change, but you'll be happier in the long run if you don't let him see how his reactions appeal to you, or he may decide that you're doing it just to win him back.

Coming from a woman, cologne is definitely going to do wonders for you...mmmm...it would for me! Good luck!

I'd say the same thing about a sexy new outfit. It doesn't have to be trashy, but something that says "I'm happy with myself and I want people to see it!"

[TrentC]

*poke*poke*

So how have things been?

Did you lay down any of the boundaries that I mentioned? If so, how were they taken?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He then came over to me and gave me a huge hug so huge that it lasted about 2 1/2 hours. We cuddled and kissed and one thing lead to another. After it was all done he had plans later in the evening so he got ready to go and kissed me and told me he would talk to me soon. And that's it. Its been 24 hours, I haven't heard from him and I don't know what to think.

You should think that he wanted sex, and that you gave it to him, so now he's backed away again.

PLEASE be careful, Britt. I'm with Trent -- no more ML with your husband! But if you do, for god's sake, please use protection.

Puppy

[TrentC]

You should think that he wanted sex, and that you gave it to him, so now he's backed away again.

PLEASE be careful, Britt. I'm with Trent -- no more ML with your husband! But if you do, for god's sake, please use protection.

Puppy

Holy crap, I didn't even consider that. This was a scare my wife and I had after our last lovemaking session.

Puppy is right -- if you are not on the pill right now or some other kind of birth control, go and buy some condoms ASAP. In fact, I think I'm going to do the same...

If you do end up having sex with him (for whatever reason), you won't complicate your relationship issues with an unintended pregnancy.