I am in the same situation as Katie, just need to check if I insist on him not to see the OW (while he already told me he needs time to settle the relationship), will he feels that I am pushing me out from our marriage? He did said he wants to work on our marriage but just need time to "settle". When is the best time to tell him about stopping? Our talk was just 8 hours ago.
For your advise asap.
There is no "best time," and you can't give him an ultimatum. Ultimatums are controlling.
What you DO need to lay out -- FOR YOURSELF -- are boundaries.
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OW" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting her by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
(these last two are only AFTER a wayward spouse has expressed that they want to come back to the marriage and try to reconcile)
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
In your case, you should tell him "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing another woman." And then you have to lay out in your own mind, a deadline. Do not communicate this deadline to him. ONLY do this if you MEAN it, and it is -- truly -- a dealbreaker.
I would assume that living in an open marriage is, indeed, a dealbreaker for you.
"I need time to settle the relationship" is bullchit; it only takes five minutes to write a "no-contact" letter and have you mail it for him. What he wants is to eat cake.
How did you leave your convo 8 hours ago? You should start your own thread, so we don't hijack BeautyMe's any further.
He will be going to work in hours time (its 3am in the morning). Can I tell him "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing another woman."
He will be going to work in an hours time (its 3am in the morning). Can I tell him "I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing another woman."
BM...I'm not PDT but that's exactly what I wound up telling my W a couple weeks ago after I found out she went out on a date with OM while I watched our son. It felt great to stand up for myself.
Good luck with your sitch.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Beauty, you would be fine to tell him before he leaves for work, however, you may be better off waiting till he gets home. It will give you some time also to work the conversation out in your own head to know exactly how you would like to word. As PDT stated, please start a thread of your own so as not to hijack one away from someone else. It gets others confused as to what they are following.
What if, nah, let's say, nah, just hold the bacon here a second:
I'm going err on the side that perhaps Katie's H is just delusional? I mean, he professes HIS feelings for this woman, and all she professes back is that she has no idea what in the world he's talking about?
Maybe I missed something here?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
What if, nah, let's say, nah, just hold the bacon here a second:
I'm going err on the side that perhaps Katie's H is just delusional? I mean, he professes HIS feelings for this woman, and all she professes back is that she has no idea what in the world he's talking about?
Maybe I missed something here?
I guess it's POSSIBLE, but he's exhibiting too many signs (ILYBINILWN, paranoid jealousy that SHE is having an affair, etc.).
My sincere apologies if I did confused anyone and my sincere apologies to Katie for using your thread for reply.
I did have a new thread under "will my marriage work out" and "Urgent help needed" but didnt get any clear direction. I read Katie's thread and is quite the same I facing now. Your replied indeed helps me alot and I have in acted just as I was told. I will open a new thread under ""I cannot live in a marriage where my husband is seeing another woman."
