Hi, So my husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 2 children. We have had issues in the past but over the course of the summer I was acting like a manic depressive and accused him many times of having an affair with a girl that he met through his Co-ed softball team. She is married as well but I did find out no affair happened. So last Friday he tells me that he might have feelings for her and doesn’t know for sure. He was going to drive 3 hours to see her and see if he would be able to figure it out. She told him he couldn’t come because she is married and she is confused because this is the first time he has said anything about having feelings for her the whole 4 months they have known one another. So he didn’t go but was almost crying when she told him not to come. I was calm, mostly because I had read articles about this on here. He also told me about a month ago that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and that his feelings were gone. So she is gone for 3 months on a tour that she helps with and he said we could try the 3 months out and see where it takes us, but I am having a hard time being all cheery around him because I know he still talks to her and who knows maybe she has decided she wants to be with him and I have no idea. It is really hard to be all nice and confident when the person that you love is thinking of another. Although I will say that if he didn’t care about me entirely he wouldn’t give me 3 months or ask me who I am texting when he sees me doing that. Over the past few months he couldn’t have cared less about who I was texting. He told me that they have a lot in common and she is fun to be with. She likes the same music, their personalities are the same, and she is beautiful as well. He also told me that she was amazing about a week ago too. So my question to you guys is how to move on. I was doing really well with getting more confidence, and loving myself more but when this dropped last Friday all that went out the door. What can I do to get him to want to be with me, and say adios to her? Thanks for any help!
I am in the same situation as you are now. Though my H tells me tonight that he love me and the family and wants the marriage, he said to give him time to "settle" his other relationship. I really do not understand what he means by that. I want to know since he decided to stay in the marriage but why can't he stop his affairs?
I was like you doing really well and getting to have more confidence and love myself more but it all just went down the drain just like that....
Katie, You will not be able to move on as long as he is in contact with the OW. If you are to salvage your marriage, an absolute, non-negotiable, no contact must be put in place, and this should not even be a question. What good is the 3 months going to do if he is talking to her still? Do some 180's and make yourself that person that he finds amazing, and that he wants to be with. But you must make the changes for yourself, not him. Shock
Can I ask you what kind of 180's you would recommend me to do?
Also I have text her last Friday and asked her about this and she said she was confused and that she has no intention of breaking our family up. I have talked to her over chat before all of this and she was very adimant about staying in her marriage during normal conversations about daily things..I have no idea what to do.
Welcome to the boards. As someone else said to me, "Sorry you find yourself here, but it's a good place."
Originally Posted By: Katie
Can I ask you what kind of 180's you would recommend me to do?
The trick to 180's and GAL is that they have to be something that you want to do for yourself.
Is there some hobby or interest you've wanted to pursue? * Dancing lessons * Cooking classes * Attending church (more) regularly * Scrapbooking * Photography classes * Get a gym membership
Originally Posted By: Katie
Also I have text her last Friday and asked her about this and she said she was confused [...] I have no idea what to do.
Coach did a great post describing how to set boundaries.
The OW is not your problem; at some point, you will have to make your husband realize that he either gets her, or he gets you.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Can I ask you what kind of 180's you would recommend me to do?
Also I have text her last Friday and asked her about this and she said she was confused and that she has no intention of breaking our family up. I have talked to her over chat before all of this and she was very adimant about staying in her marriage during normal conversations about daily things..I have no idea what to do.
For starters, STOP talking to OW. She is NOT your ally in this, and it only conveys weakness to her and to your husband. It's good you told her ONCE, but now you need to back off.
Let me ask you this: why do you WANT to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? What does it say about your own self-esteem that you would consider letting him "try you out" for this 3 months?
You're worth more than that, Katie, and your kids deserve a better role model in their lives than the way their father is acting right now. Do you have sons, daughters, what?
I suggest you need to take control of the situation (he's already indicated that jealousy will work with him, and he still cares for you), and say something like "I've been doing some thinking, and I have decided that (four very powerful words, those -- remember them, as we'll use them later, too) I need some space. I'm questioning whether or not I want to remain married to someone who would treat me so poorly, and who would disrespect me so much that you would suggest I 'try out' for the position of being your wife for 3 months. You need to find yourself a place to stay, by the end of the week, because I have some thinking to do."
And then go as "dark" with him as you possibly can.
Always love what Puppy has to say. Right on the money.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Katie, I know all of this very difficult to hear. But you are getting some very good advice. You are not alone in this position of life. Everyone else here, is here for much of the same reasons as you. You need to make H see that you can survive without him, and that you will not be a backup plan. We are all here for you, it's not a fun place to be, but you are in the right place.
I am in the same situation as Katie, just need to check if I insist on him not to see the OW (while he already told me he needs time to settle the relationship), will he feels that I am pushing me out from our marriage? He did said he wants to work on our marriage but just need time to "settle". When is the best time to tell him about stopping? Our talk was just 8 hours ago.
