Figure I might as well pitch a tent in this forum. I have a feeling I am going to be here awhile.
OM contacted me (9 mos. of no contact prior) and I have decided to let my H know (was going to protect him from it). So that is first on the agenda. Mind reading here, but he will be anxious about this and will wonder what he said (OM said he misses me, etc.), will feel more anxiety, and after I let him know OM works 3 blocks from our house, there will be more anxiety.
Since performance anxiety is a problem, I think, it will not be a fun conversation and will make our ssm work even harder. AGain, I'm guessing.
But, that is where I'm at as I start in here.
Haven't had sex with him for about 4 years (part of that time we were separated and he didn't know I had an OM)
wdid - I forgot to ask you on your other thread, have you read the Sex Starved Wife book? I really think you should if you haven't yet. Not necessarily because it will help your sitch that much, but instead because you need to be validated in your feelings by reading about other wives with your issues in marriage.
Update: Had the talk, and it went really well. Time to start Step 2. Start initiating the hugs. I'll start with just hugs. He is sounding like sex is going to be fine with the talk we had, but I know our past so we will see. Step by step. No more "letting it go". I'm going to work on it, and persist if things don't happen.
DQ- I haven't read it, but after I finish the Passionate Marriage I'll look into getting it.
wdid - that is great. I read your other thread update, too.
You know what's funny? Nearly everyone (that I know of, on this board) who finally just says directly and honestly what they've been thinking, get results from their partner. Usually that full-on honesty will shake your spouse up, and then you will find out that THEY actualy want the SAME THING that YOU want! Funny how that goes, isn't it?
Yeah, sorry for the "fly by" post. I just don't have much to say because I'm not doing enough and my h is not doing enough. So, basically I would be whining. Even saying my birthday was the worst was whining. Everythign is moving slow with everything. But, it's what I expect. Thanks, SillyOldBear.
You know what's funny? Nearly everyone (that I know of, on this board) who finally just says directly and honestly what they've been thinking, get results from their partner. Usually that full-on honesty will shake your spouse up, and then you will find out that THEY actualy want the SAME THING that YOU want! Funny how that goes, isn't it?
You must've been reading different threads than I have over the years, and I've been here a loooooong time. I RARELY see any lasting successes in this area, and have personally never seen the "REALLY let them know how much this hurts you" thing work for more than a week or two.
Usually, it takes the jolt of an affair, or a divorce or separation to spur the lower-drive spouse to any meaningful effort, and even THEN, in my experience, the changes don't last.
Choc, How are ya buddy? I presume this means you are still married.
your observations are pretty much the same as mine. I haven't really seen many lasting 'successes' at all, and even the ones that did last the spouse did not end up wanting exactly the same thing. If however you generalize what you want to something like "happiness in my marriage" then, yes most of the time both spouses want the same. Their visions of what that entails may be very different things though.
That said, MrsGGB has changed over the past few years. She's become more willing sexually even though the desire doesn't seem to be there. She's also become a quite a bit accepting of more than just missionary PIV sex. I think those changes have mostly come about my stating that I am unhappy with our M. She too has been unhappy about the M, and I think our biggest sticking point is not knowing how to get it unstuck and make it fun again.
So I disagree as to not getting results. But at the same time, the results you get will likely not be the ones that you think you want. I can't change her views on sex, etc any more than she can change mine. What I think I can change is my half of the relationship and therefore change the environment to make a happy marriage more probable.
