Feel like giving up

[stardust]

I am continuing to struggle with finding the right balance between not pursuing/ not discussing R and establishing some boundaries with my W. I have told her how I feel (e.g., I want the marriage to work, I love her, I am committed to doing my part to change), but she also needs to know that I am not going to hang in limbo forever, and that there are basic requirements I have for moving forward with the M. We are 1 month into a 6 month period of working on it, and she has stated that she wants me to be treated for depression and wants to see improvement in my mood.

The problem is that I feel very little love, affection, or commitment from her. It has been getting worse and worse for a number of years, and I feel that I am now just finding my strength to accept and prepare for the possibility that things will not work out.

She does not believe that I really love her as I went through a rough patch personally for a few years when our children were babies and was not very attentive. We also started off on the wrong foot as she pressured me into committing early on and I was on the fence and she jumped through hoops to meet my requirements and now she resents me for that. I have done a lot work over the past year to learn to be more unconditional in my love for her and to show her how I feel, but now she is mistrustful of my expressions of love. She says I treated her poorly our entire R (not true, but there were times that I was not my best) and can't see that some overnight turnaround could be genuine.

For me though it is very real and I am more certain than I have ever been in my life that this marriage is what I want. But having a W who is so cold and distant much of the time is something I cannot deal with for too much longer. I will be kind of relieved when this five months are over....at least I will have a decision and can move forward. I am just struggling with how to deal with her in the interim.....I am trying to do the loving detachment, but sometimes I tell her how I feel and she seems receptive.

I am making real changes for myself...but I want to save my family. I watched my parents each go through 2 divorces and they are both still alone....I don't want to put my kids through that and our M problems are not insurmountable. W seems to be hanging onto to some advice/ feedback from a psychic that love should not hurt and that somehow her current situation is holding her back from realizing her true potential, and that I am not her "soul mate". How do I possibly compete with that kind of fantasy?

[chatterbug]

You do not compete with that Fantasy. You compete with yourself. I would suggest you take a very long hard look at yourself. Decide what you like and what you do not like from the first half of your life. Make 2 lists. The stuff you like. Continue to do. The stuff you do not like. Well this is a great chance to 180 those items. Just think that due to all this craziness you are going to improve yourself. You are coming out of a rut. You are smart enough to realize this. You will make it through this.

As for the "soul mate" Its the word that all the WAS use. I heard it a few times. Ignore it. With my WAS I called it the Star Crossed Lovers Syndrome. SCLS for short. Pure fogspeak. Everytime you hear it. Just think of a good moment in your life. and soon enough that word will disappear. Well until your kids become teenagers. Then it will be in full use again for a few years.

[Gardener]

sd,

W seems to be hanging onto to some advice/ feedback from a psychic that love should not hurt and that somehow her current situation is holding her back from realizing her true potential, and that I am not her "soul mate". How do I possibly compete with that kind of fantasy?

You don't. You can't. Keep working on you for you and your kids.

If she brings up old history, you might say, "I cannot fix the past. None of us can. So I have forgiven myself for it. Perhaps you might consider doing the same someday. Right now, all I have is today and from today forward. That is my sole focus."

Or you might state it as a boundaryL "when you bring up the past, I feel disrespected since the past is unfixable and unchangeable and serves no purpose other than to pain me. I am not the former me. If you bring him up again, I will simply walk away from the discussion rather than stay and endure unnecessary and unproductive ridicule"

I know, I know, it's too long. Shorten it, sd, or let's hope someone better comes along who will.

Good luck.