You are way ahead of the game if she has chosen to stay for 6 months. Let me ask tough, did you ask(be) her for a 6 month trial period? Time to start 180's, and live a life that is more fulfilling for you. She will notice the changes eventhough you will not hear it from her. Make these changes for yourself, not for her.
I did not ask for 6 months. That was her idea. She said it was over and wanted a divorce and was all business about it with custody and splitting of assets. After losing my mind for 2 weeks, I gave her a heartfelt apology for what I did to contribute to our problems. Between my genuine recognition of my mistakes and people in her support system telling her to be sure before she ended it gave her pause. So she has agreed to MC but has put in little effort since. She is also in regular contact with OM who she says is just a friend, but I suspect an EA. I am coming to terms with the fact that she does not love me. I am eating better, losing weight, running everyday and trying to detach. I have my bad days, and some really bad days, and sometimes I fall into R talk which never turns out well, so I am focusing on no talking, not giving up but not holding out to false hope at the same time. It is quite the tight-rope but I am just letting my heart break and focus on taking care of myself and the kids. I have read DR and trying to apply all the principles. W does not respond well when I act too independently...she gets suspicious and I feel goes into retaliation mode, so I am trying to be warm from a distance. The problem is that I still love her so much that I just want a hug! Trying to be patient, which is probably the hardest part for me. Giving her space is getting easier because I honestly don't think she can hurt me that much more than she already has. My changes are for me and I know I am growing and getting stronger, even though it hurts a lot. Thanks Dburt!
Thanks June....I like the c'est la vie concept. It has helped me get out of the victim mind-set and to remember that this is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. I am heartened by success stories, but trying to stay realistic and remember that things might not work out and focus on those things I need to do in either scenario (e.g., take care of myself, find joy, be a stronger more self-sufficient person, be the best dad I can be, etc.)
Any advice on how to evaluate if a MC is good? We both like ours, but I feel like we need to get into the deep dirt and she keeps trying to give us ideas of things to do together and things to talk about. The way I figure, doing things together and talking more will happen when the M is better....I am skeptical they will actually make the M better.
I agree Kimmie. My W entered into marriage with these expectations that things will never get hard, and when they did, instead of standing with me to confront the challenges, she withdrew and went searching for someone more "compatible". The problem is that it may take several years for her to leave, start a new R, and then realize that its work no matter who you are with. It is complicated though, and when patterns are engrained for many years, it gets hard to see beyond them and understand how to change the dynamic....old habits die hard.
A MC will not work if she is in a EA/PA with OM unfortunately. I feel that you have been really dependent on your W to make you happy with the "I just want a hug" wimpy statement that you made. Time to really shock her by doing something fun that she thinks you would not do, like go out dancing maybe this Friday. I can see her saying, "Your doing what?" I just feel like getting out there, with all that is going on, I need to have some fun, see ya!
Then go out and actualy have some fun!
Do you see where I am getting, create some mystery about you, let her say, who the hell is this guy, and is he seeing someone else? Jealosy in a woman can be mistaken for love for a man.
I have no way of finding out the nature of her relationships/ interactions. She has locked down her communications. The only thing I can do is confront her in MC, but that does not seem to get us anywhere as she can simply lie (or tell the truth), I have no way of verifying. So what do I do to determine if I am wasting my time "working on things"? I have dropped 15 pounds, I am focusing on myself and the kids, but we still live together and the MC is telling us to try to be cordial so we can establish some kind of baseline communication channel that will allow us to address our deeper issues. The hug comment was for this board, not for her. I have been focused on being happy, kind from a distance, and taking care of my kids. I think trying to make her jealous at this point will not create any mystery....it will only piss her off and make her withdraw further, which at this point will probably not get me closer to my goals. I have read Sandi's list and I will try following that. She is otherwise trying, though it is hard to read as she is pretty closed off in terms of exploring/ revealing her inner life. I honestly think she is confused and in a lot of pain herself, and I do not want to make myself the enemy. It is hard to know the best thing to do, but there are a whole bunch of things I need to do regardless of whether we stay together or move apart - I will focus on those things and keep remembering that I cannot control her. Thanks for the response dburt.
Stardust, I too have an H who will become suspicious if I partake in some of the GAL activities suggested on this board. Going out to lunch with friends, to a move, or to a show with my girlfriends is about all I can do withou raising some serious jealousy questions. I choose to not play with that at the moment. His distrust issues are what has us where we are right now.
Just work on you and making positive changes no matter the outcome!
BIM
BIM M 39 / H 40 / S 9 / S 6 / T 20 / M 11
my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1828127#Post1828127
My instincts tell me it is likely flirtatious email exchanges which is giving them both a little excitement and a boost to their egos. However, my wife continues to state it is just a friendship and there is nothing inappropriate....however, I believe that her going to an ex boyfriend to talk about our M issues is inappropriate, particularly because they had not seen each other in 20 years and are virtual strangers.
But my focusing on this seems to distract from more pressing issues. We have general trust issues which she generally dismisses as me being hyper-sensitive. But since she is the one who is questioning whether or not we are going to make it and gave me the I don't love you like one should love their spouse has heightened my sensitivity.
I am trying to figure out if I take a hard line (e.g., I am discontinuing MC until she stops communication) or as advised by our MC and consistent with DB principles that I need to just give her the space to play out whatever it is she is doing, focus on myself, and let her go.
Any thoughts/ feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!
