Snooping, good or bad? Feeling like my W has OM

[brknheart]

I knew that anything was possible, several people have said things in my other threads regarding EA or PA. My wife has denied several times there wasnt OM. I now have reason to suspect that she may be seeing OM. We have been separated almost 2 mths now, and as far as she is concerned we are over. I guess technically she would be cheating on me, but others may say she is not since we are headed for divorce anyway. I dont want her to think she can hide things from me, so I want to know if she is seeing OM. I have an address of the suspect OM, debating on whether I should pass by the house when I think she may be there. What are the best tactics to use when snooping and trying to find out about an EA/PA? I still want my wife back, currently in the "Last resort" technique, not sure who to handle this EA/PA situation. Should I leave it alone or snoop?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Before we discuss tactics, Brknhrt, we should probably talk a little about why you'd be doing it, and what you'd be hoping to accomplish.

In general, I'm in favor of gathering reliable intel ("snooping") vs. the guessing game/sticking-their-head-in-the-sand that most people stumble their way through. But you have to:

a) be doing it for the right reasons; and

b) be emotionally able to handle what you learn, and be willing to deal with the fallout.

What ARE you hoping to accomplish, and how DO you think you'd be able to handle it, emotionally, if you found out the worst?

Keep in mind, too, on this latter point, that unless you hire some professional, who I'm presuming is somewhat trained in how to break it to you gently, you'd be seeing/hearing RAW INTEL (for me, it was actually seeing my beautiful wife and mother of our four children get out of her car, and get into OM's beat-up old truck, and drive off to his house to have sex; and listening to recordings of her having sex with him and him telling what a "little slut" she is, and her LIKING it).

I say these last things not for shock value or to in any way denigrate my wife, with whom I'm now almost fully reconciled, but as a way of warning to you.

Puppy

[Kalni]

Good grief Puppy!!! I thought what I discovered was really bad but I think we are at the same level...

Some people like to know, others prefer not to KNOW for sure. Can you handle it? I wanted to know everything, but honestly, right now that stxH wants to reconcile (again) I need to face many many demons. Still, I am glad I know.
K

PS Puppy, how did you/do you, deal with that? Your story gives me some hope.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Kalni, I wish I knew. I can only give credit to PRAYER, because without God's grace, and His mercy, I don't think I COULD have handled it in my flesh.

The Bible says basically that God doesn't give us more than we can handle (I Cor. 10:13, among others). I honestly think He just sometimes "throws us a bone," in that He helps blot some of these things from the minds of those of us who are more sensitive and thin-skinned than others (and yeah, big bad-ol' Puppy is notoriously thin-skinned!).

It also helps to think of a cheating spouse as an ADDICT, which of course they are. Like with a smoker, it doesn't excuse the conscious decision to have those first few cigarettes, but it does explain the strong draw the affair has on them, and how it affects their state-of-mind and even personality. That really helped me find compassion.

Puppy

[Kalni]

Sorry for the hijack brokenhearted...

Puppy, I understand why all that happened happened. In that sense, I am "compassionate". But I am not convinced that under the "right" circumstances it wont happen again. And seriously, all the pain and hurt he caused to me and our kids while making me feel crazy about my suspicions, bother me much much more than the actual sexual act. I dont know if I can forgive him being so vicious and mean to me, only to hide his affair. I thought he was "man" enough to admit it and just face the consequences. I am struggling with the notion of real forgiveness, bad. I guess, it's a test, for both of us.
K

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I do understand. Many people (including me) report having a harder time with the cowardice and the deceit, than they do with the actual infidelity.

Puppy

[TrentC]

(for me, it was actually seeing my beautiful wife and mother of our four children get out of her car, and get into OM's beat-up old truck, and drive off to his house to have sex; and listening to recordings of her having sex with him and him telling what a "little slut" she is, and her LIKING it).

In my case, I don't know for sure that anything happened between my wife and the OM when he came to visit; until she tells me for sure, it's easier to assume that something did without knowing any details, and forgive her for that in my heart.

Still, I feel awful for you Puppy and I'm glad that you and your wife are working to reconcile.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

In my case, I don't know for sure that anything happened between my wife and the OM when he came to visit; until she tells me for sure, it's easier to assume that something did without knowing any details, and forgive her for that in my heart.

I am TOTALLY fine with the "just-assume-they've-been-unfaithful" approach. In fact, it's what MWD teaches. It's the "I asked her if there was anyone else, and she said no, and I believe her" approach that just drives me BATTY.

Puppy

[TrentC]

Well, I know that she's not being honest with me about him, because she tries to tell me that there are no feelings for him, even with all of the evidence that I've found and confronted her with.

So, like I said: I assume the worst, and be willing to forgive that when the time comes. Anything else is a waste of both our time.