Slept with XH, help!!

[Augtan]

Okay, my story is way to long to type here, but jist is..XH had affair, caught him, went to therapy, he moved out, moved back in, went back to her (I didn't really know), moved out again, still slept together some, moved with my kids out of state, D was final, find out he is forsure with her...

So, he came up here to see the kids, it was our wedding anniversary while he was here, we spent the day talking about everything, crying, yelling, fighting, crying more, holding each other, almost slept together but he had to go pick up our daughter. The next night I went to his hotel and we had sex, he resisted some but he wanted to just as much as I did. Okay, I will admit I felt avenged, I did to her what she did to me!! I told him I would never tell, but I know if I did it would end their relationship which is what I want so badly. First and formost for my kids, they want nothing to do with her and know what she did and will never accept it. Plus, he would have no reason to stay where he is and he could move to be near our kids. Also, because I hate her and she deserves it. I know he is to blame, but as a woman I cannot help but know she could have stopped it and didn't, she chose to destroy a family. I don't want to tell for a lot of reasons too. She probably won't believe me and he will be sooo mad at me. Also, I want him to believe I have changed and am not vengeful, vindictive or mean. I want him to see for himself what he is missing and want everything to happen for the right reasons. I don't want anything because of black mail or because I told and he lost her and resents me!!

He is the picture of a MLC, I could spend hours explaining, but I know at some point he is going to snap out of this. When this happens it will most likey be too late, as I am not waiting around. He did so many awful things to me I don't think I want him back for me, but I want him in my kids life by moving here to watch them grow-up. He was a great husband and wonderful Dad till he got involved with her, it was like an alien abduction!! HELP!!

ME-39
XH-42
married-17 1/2 years
together-21
D-16
S-14
D-10
Divorced since May

[ClingingToHope]

Wow. What a mess. Do you really think he'll come running back if OW is out of picture?

[cat04]

In some ways I hate to say Welcome, but Welcome.

This sounds like a very confusing situation. Aren't they all in their own way?

Do you think he is beginning to wake up?

I am trying to sort out exactly where you are right now, please share more with us.

[dolphin_05]

Don't say a word to OW. It will just cause further tension with H. Bide your time, GAL and be the best person you can be. Let him see you as a better alternative than ow.

[fisherman]

Okay, I will admit I felt avenged, I did to her what she did to me!!

Well...your being honest.

I want him to believe I have changed and am not vengeful, vindictive or mean. I want him to see for himself what he is missing and want everything to happen for the right reasons. I don't want anything because of black mail or because I told and he lost her and resents me!!

You have work to do. Go back and reread your first quote. You either forgive or you don't. There are no shortcuts or tricks here. NO HALFWAY'S....you either focus on you and become better learn what forgiveness and what this whole crisis mess is really about or forget it.

And take your focus off of this other woman. She is NOTHING. Anyone who gets involved with a person caught up in a confused mess such as a crisis is just as screwed up as the person having it. Stop giving her power. You are making her stronger.

He is the picture of a MLC, I could spend hours explaining, but I know at some point he is going to snap out of this.

He probably will and as of right now, YOU aren't ready for him to snap out of it.

When this happens it will most likey be too late, as I am not waiting around. He did so many awful things to me I don't think I want him back for me, but I want him in my kids life by moving here to watch them grow-up. He was a great husband and wonderful Dad till he got involved with her, it was like an alien abduction!! HELP!!

Read your words above. They are full of contradications. You want help, but in the next breath you say it's too late I'm moving on.

You either want this or you don't.....do this or you don't.

If so, then have work to do on YOU. Get your focus where it belongs.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You are going to be alot more honest with yourself and your motives if you want a chance at salvaging anything.

DB requires real change on your part. Not manipulative crap to get your hubby back.

[Augtan]

Thanks for all the responses. I know DB requires a lot of work, I did it for 2 years and he never left her and came home. I moved away, and really don't know what I want as far as getting back with him, one day I say "NO WAY", others I think if my real husband came back, I would take him back. But, I don't want this alien he has become at all. Yes, I do think he is waking up and seeing what is going on, what reality is, what he is missing by living 700 miles from his kids. What I do want more than anything else is for him to move here to be a Dad to his kids, and that won't happen with her in the picture at all.

This is just going to get more confusing...I WAS friends with OW's XH, they are going to court over their son, I wrote him an affidavid for the hearing, so yesterday I sent him an e-mail asking him if he got it and if they had gone to depositions. I told him that we had a good visit and got along, the kids had fun, etc. Then, I told him what my youngest had been saying about OW...nothing I have not told him before and nothing XH and OW don't already know. Well, her XH forwarded it to OW and she is having a hissy fit. XH told me to stop trying to break us up, I was so confused, I didn't send her the e-mail, I had nothing to do with it. And, like I said it is nothing she doesn't already know. I have never spoken to OW! I have no intentions, I have told XH that I love him unconditionally and because of that don't want to tell her anything or talk to her, text her, call her, etc. I have told him he needs to figure all this out himself. But, now he is throwing me under the bus for her again for something I didn't even do!! Yes, I want help, but more so to give my kids their Dad back, that is first and foremost. If after that, he proved to me he had changed, wants his family whole again, etc. then I would consider getting back together. I have done GAL, I live 700 miles away and am very active, busy person. I have spent countless hours trying to convince him he made a bad decision, for which he say "I don't know if I made the right decision or not, you need to let me process this and figure it out on my own." So, I am letting him do just that! But, when he was up here, we connected again, I could see it in his eyes, he just kept looking in my eyes and getting tears in his. It is a mess, I agree, I have no idea from one moment to the next what is going to happen. But, now she is jealous he spent time up here with his kids, and needs to cause drama to get attention. She is just sick, and really so is he!! I just plan to leave him alone, leave her alone, and keep doing GAL. Any other advice??

A

[SoCo]

THAT is what I would do exactly. Leave him alone and her. Just like someone said, IF you want him back, then you need to be the better person and better alternative to OW. IF you were to tell her that you guys slept together, or let it "slip" to someone like her XH where it would then get to her, then you look vengeful and hurtful just like HER. IF you did something that broke them up, yes you would feel good for a minute. BUT that would give him one more thing that is messed up in his life to blame on YOU. That minute would be short lived. BE THE BETTER PERSON.

[Grace_O]

Augtan,

I did it for 2 years and he never left her and came home.

Was 2 years all you had in you?

I moved away

Sweetie, consider you ears boxed. You took your kids away from their Dad and now you want him to move there and be a Dad. Not a good move.

but more so to give my kids their Dad back, that is first and foremost.

Then move back. I get wanting to get "away" from the mess. Thing is, you've got kids. They need him.

I hear all the hurt, anger and confusion. Did you think that by sleeping with him and the momentary connection it would all magically go back to the way it was?

I think you have alot of work to do on you. Do not e-mail her H and stay out of their stuff. It won't help you.

You sound like you want revenge. If that's the case, he souldn't want to come back. He'll just be punished indefinately.

That you slept with him isn't in and of itself bad IMO. You need to understand why you did.

[cat04]

To me it too, it appears you are as confused as he is.

I can’t say don’t move forward. We all have to move forward, but it really does not sound like you have done a lot of the internal work.

How have you changed? Moving was not a change if your reactions are still the same.

DBing is a life change. Not just something you do for a year or two waiting for your S to come home. THAT may never happen.

So IMO, the DBing that you did, was a front. A façade. And when it didn’t work, you ran. I am sorry to be so blunt but…

Real change comes from the inside out. When it is real and true, you can do these things, like moving, GAL, and not expect the results to be a restored marriage and you can still be happy. That is not what you are showing.