Chalk another one up for dropping the rope and 'Mmmmm....., I understand........, I can see......' ect responses.
Walked in from work last night and I could tell something was wrong. I nearly left my coat on it was so cold....
I asked about her day and received one word answers..... I asked about the boys,..... and received two word answers........
I waited, I could see she was holding something inside herself. I waited,...... Still no out pouring from her, and so at the last moment I simply asked ' What is wrong..?'
Bang! It seems that she had gone through our family wall planner and on the day she became a WAW I had written ' Walked out & abandoned kids'. She was very angry and it just spewed out of her. The odd expletive and a lot of emotion ensued.
I was cornered and gently explained that emotion was riding high that day, my wife had just vanished, and I was a mess at the time. She continued by telling me how she'd tried to fix our marriage for 5 years, how she felt alone and angry and how that she'd been unsupported by me.
At this point I dropped the rope, opened up my body language – I am a proponent for the understanding of body language, had read hers to judge the moment to just listen and understand how upset she was, - and now I just LISTENED.
I gave all the ' I can see / understand / feel.... ect responses.
The things she said did hurt, but slowly her anger lost focus on me and settled upon what she wanted from the marriage and the future. She told me that she was trying to be flexible around my needs and that of our boys and how it was affecting her. I did not try to offer any solutions or to 'fix' her situation. She told me how she was not getting the support from her family. I knew that she wouldn't get their real support – only their words not actions. Here I responded with the Mmmmmm type answers.
Then the real truth came out that she was desperate to come home and that every day she aches to be with the boys and me in the family home. She said how it is tearing her apart, but that she could see no other option than to walk out to force a change in me / us. She explained that it is still too painful for her to come home – and she used the words 'come home'. She told of her pain when she heard the boys say that they didn't want to be with her but with me. I gave the responses needed to validate her feelings.
Then seeing the emotion in her I walked over and gave her an unbidden hug. She broke down and hugged tightly.
By now her face and body language were relaxed. She wiped her tears.......... and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. Not a air kiss or touch of cheeks, but a proper kiss, and then she said 'Thank you' and kissed me again.
Since she'd walked she has never show as much emotion and been so close to me in regards to kissing or 'connecting' to me.
I was gobsmacked, and nearly responded with the banal 'What for...?', but I knew it was for me just listening and being there and giving her the emotional support she needed. I responded by simply whispering 'Thank you.' And I meant it.
There was some light-hearted banter between us, and then she left. But I could see that she was relaxed, and serene in her mind.
A lot came out of the conversation to give me real hope for the future.
A lot came out of the conversation only because I LISTENED, and gave supportive responses.
A lot came out of the conversation because I judged her and my body language correctly.
It has only been 3 conversations since my 'unveiling', but to me the change has been dramatic, and the responses from my WAW are beyond my expectations.
This will take time to heal, and as my WAW is still confused and has given me an insight has how she wants to come home and aches to be in the family home – now I realize that time is now my friend.
If I continue to improve myself and how I listen and interact with my WAW, if I give her the time, space and most of all, the emotional support that she needs and craves.
I believe that we can repair our M.
I am on the right road. It will be long, and both up and down hill.
I believe!
Regards, Gyn.
Ps – Ready2Change.
Thank you again for you confirmation that the conclusions that I came to were both real and correct. That the realizations from my 'unveiling' were not just a vain hope and a grasp of a whispery ideal. And that they have a foundation based upon someone elses real life situation.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
How marvellous is this story? I think that we can all find something here - so inspiring and what insight you have found to be able to DB so well Gyn!!
Please now watch, and be ready for, the pull back. I know that you will have read about that here but it often comes. I think that you are ready to deal with it if it does manifest but better warned than not.
The very best of luck ... I hope that this has brought some baby steps a bit faster and now you can take some time to start piecing.
Will be watching!
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
The pullback is what sometimes happens after an LBS and a WAS have some sort of closer moment - a good talk, maybe a nice, close evening as a family, a date, ML, etc. Afterwards, the closeness freaks one of them out (usually the WAS) and that person withdraws, contacts less or not at all, seems colder, and so on. It's usually temporary, but it can knock the LBS for a loop if s/he doesn't know it's coming.
"But we had such a great time and now s/he's cold and distant!! WTF!!??"
The LBS has to wait, give the WAS space and accept that it's probably temporary.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
