Went Dark, What Now? (other than GAL)

[chatterbug]

Ditto. I am now coming up on 4 weeks dark. It is a very hard path. May I suggest an elastic band on the wrist. Every time you think about WAS snap it. Maybe it will work with you better than me. I still think way too much on all this stuff. But I will say that. In the 3rd week I actually smiled for the first time in 4 months. So I know this is doing something inside me. Good luck. Keep posting and we can help each other out.

[PainfulDusk]

I am also in dark mode. It does get easier, the first couple of weeks are rough. If you make it harder on yourself , the rollercoaster will be dreadful. Dont expect anything, at all. I backslid, learned my lesson, and stayed dark. Its so hard not to think about them, stay busy. Even if it kills you, and there are times you might think it will. Stay busy anyway. Scrub the kitchen counter, clean the drains, go for a walk. Organize your drawers. Change the oil in your car. ANYTHING to keep your mind off things. You dont have to constantly be going out on the town, esp in this economy. Its unrealistic. Just dont sit around letting your mind wander. When youre having a bad day, vent HERE. It does help. Post as many times as you need to. Just do it here. Not at her or anywhere she will see it or hear it. That pushes them away. I learned that lesson too.

Dusk

[LookingFrAnswers]

I agree. That was just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you MTNspirit! And I wish you the best.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Dusk, You are so right! Thanks for the wise words. I'm afraid I vented on your post and after submitting, it sounded like all about me. Ugghhh! I don't ever want to sound like a victim. And, you're right - stay busy! Thanks for the dose of sanity.
LFA

[chatterbug]

So MTN how is it going ? How is your GAL coming along ?

[MTNspirit]

... given that I wasn't around my laptop at all yesterday, I actually have had a really good few days GingAL.

Here's some craziness...

I started this exercise assigned by my IC of taking my joy and imagining it radiating from me in a pillar of light from me to my W and the OM (my IC can be cruel!) and then saying over-the-top prayers for them, such as "... and every single stop light will turn green right before they approach it..." etc. Making it over-the-top made it possible for me, as I have not been in a place to send either of them my light otherwise. Either way, in the process I prayed that W would have a connection with someone that would allow her to start becoming as healthy and beautiful as possible, whatever that is.

Fast fwd later in the day and my IC contacts me, asking if I am free Monday at 5:30 or 6ish for a meeting. I said yes and then he says, good, "we'll all meet then, if that's okay." He went on to clarify that my W met with him that morning (which surprised me, I thought she'd stop going after I went dark), and that she had essentially wanted to meet with IC and me. IC told her that that would only be possible if she was to completely sever ties with OM, as he doesn't go from IC to MC with couples if there is still an OM, reasoning that a M can't be worked out in the context of an ongoing EA or PA/SA. Apparently my W agreed that she would do just that.

IC contacted me today to outline what I should be prepared for and a little of what W and IC discussed (all with her permission), which included that our M was the top priority to W and that W needs to be able to share some things with me that she's always avoided sharing due to her fears, etc. This does not include anything about other men, and IC assured me that I have been given full disclosure regarding OPs etc. IC also stated that he has confirmed that W has completely severed ties (I'm guessing she CCd him an email???) with OM.

So we're meeting on Monday and we'll see what happens.

I did recieve a text last night from W that said, "I know ____ (IC) spoke with you and I'd like to speak with you about some things but if it needs to wait until Monday, I'm okay with that." Today after speaking with IC I texted back, "I look fwd to Monday "

This is all really strange for me, as the timing is so... well yesterday I believe was the first day that I truly found myself in a place that I was concerned just with me being the best me that I can be and not what W was doing, etc. I went to a potluck/party with a bunch of fellow students, socialized, had a blast, and from the moment I woke up I didn't focus on what W was up to or doing/not doing. Then in the middle of the day I got this information! I am not going to suddenly dance, sing, and rejoice. I am staying level headed and cautious about all of this, remembering to believe none of what I hear and only half of what I see at this point. Monday will be interesting, one way or another, and I'm going to do my best to "act as if."

[GH31]

G'Day MTNSpirit,

I am staying level headed and cautious about all of this, remembering to believe none of what I hear and only half of what I see at this point. Monday will be interesting, one way or another, and I'm going to do my best to "act as if."

This is good MTNSpirit but for heaven's sake tread with extreme caution.

Read my earlier posts from about April to July 2008 as a warning. Many other men here could have written the same posts.

If she still has any contact with OM you are far better off staying dark.

The only thing that should satisfy you that there's no contact with OM is the extent to which she invites you to hold her accountable. Tell her what you require to be satisfied that no contact with OM is happening and if she baulks, you know she's leaving wiggle room for contact.

Her speech to the IC might simply be a ploy to get you back in contact so that you can meet the needs that OM isn't meeting.

I'm encouraged, but PLEASE tread carefully.

Good luck!

[MTNspirit]

Thanks, will do on all accounts.

I am very trusting in my IC, as each time I've come to him with a "Hey, this is great, listen to what is going on," he's actually been very reserved and with a knowing smile said something like, "that is one possibility... it could be great. There are some other possibilities though, such as you could be being used to fill a need on your W behalf right now and in those cases you're going to need to ask yourself if that works for you."

I head into this with a huge air of caution. Further, it's made me think quite a lot, as the last few days I've been so myself and GAL that I refuse to accept fear, dishonesty, or disrespect back in my life from me or my W. My POV right now is that I am going to need to see that my W is truly and seriously ready to and already starting to address issues and work at our M. Actions are going to be what matters from here on out, and if W states that she's completely cut off OM contact and I find out that this isn't so, I may very well walk away altogether. This is all so strange as just a few months ago I was a begging, pleading, groveling mess and even a few weeks ago-- even after stopping all that and starting to DB-- I still had a totally different, co-dependant mindset. Now I'm thinking, "I don't know, maybe I'm better off parting ways..." It's such a strong contrast that I almost feel cold about it. I guess this is typical?

Either way, today is GREAT, and I'm gonna love the life I got! Today's GAL activities include good food and watching the Patriots tear it up!

[chatterbug]

MTN. That is good. I call it a parallel path. You have mourned the loss of the most important relationship in your life and instead of giving up you took the time to heal , learn and improve your life. That relationship is dead. That person you loved is no more. The person you were back then is gone.

You are moving forward in your life. Beginning to know what you want in this new life. Setting boundries and enforcing them. You have already parted ways. This is your life.

Remember from here on out. Any relationship with your wife or who ever you meet will be new. Its a parallel path that your following. If your wife wants to have a relationship with you and works hard at it. Well its up to you to determine if that is what you want. But be true to yourself. You already know that you can survive the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. You also know that you honoured your vows. You also know that you tried to save your marriage. These are stong concepts that you can take forward with you down this parallel path. There is no fork in the road. Just many paths in your life.

Also remember that one day your wife will have to mourn the loss of the OM. Then she will have to mourn the loss of you and what she did to you. How she does that is completely up to her. One hopes she has the strength that you showed. To face those mistakes and learn from them and put actions in place to improve herself.

As for the OM. I have one boundry set with my was. No relationship talks until OM is out of the picture. I need proof of that. Not words but actions. I will not have a third party involved in my life and marriage. This is the first boundry and it does not move ever. Once that is met. I may walk down that path with her. But it at least opens up other boundries that I will set for my life and my relationship.

Just remember that you are strong. And you offer the gift of choice. You know what you want. Its up to her to decide what she wants. And if those wants match yours. Then you can begin to heal together. If they do not. Then you continue to heal yourself. Either way. You win.

[MTNspirit]

Thank you for those words. The "parallel path" notion helps a lot!