Hey guys, it's sure been a long time since I started a thread but I have been really down the last few days and I guess I need some advice on how to handle myself.
A Little background, Wife had no affair but was wanting a divorce back in January, I made changes in myself and she went to counciling. She came out of that and I was invited in to start MC. Wife starts doing a 180 and states that to the councilor that not only does she want a great marriage she wants the best marriage and she is willing to put in all of the effort. I was blown away.
From that point, I worked very hard on myself and making sure that I was a perfect husband (her words not mine)
I continue today trying to be that perfect husband but I find my resentment level going way up towards her. She has said ILY exactly one time since January, but she will say ILYtoo back to me. We ml about twice a week eventhough she seems to be doing me a favor when she is doing it rather than gettting really into it. She does not seem very supportive of what I am doing careerwise eventhough the steps I have taken in the past few months is about to reap a windfall of money for us.
OK enough complaining, I guess I am asking how can I stop this resentment level from going up? Just today when I was leaving I said to everyone, my 2 sons and her good bye and she said nothing as I walked out the door. Ususally I am the one that goes over and gives her a hug and a goodbye kiss, but I feel I am the only one working on this thing at times and when I give her the opportunity to give something to me, she rarely takes it.
I continue today trying to be that perfect husband but I find my resentment level going way up towards her.
Nobody can be a perfect husband. Nobody can be perfect.
I would try that and work really hard for a couple of months and then my W would have a bad day or another weekend would go by with no intimacy and I would crash emotionally -- why am I working so hard questions -- and then withdraw for a few days.
That wouldn't work of course, so I'd go back into perfect husband mode again. A real seesaw for everyone involved.
Look, you either love her unconditionally or you don't. You have to learn to live with the little things that bother you or get out. If you are doing things for her expecting something in return -- more affection, sex, etc. -- then you are loving with conditions. I'll do this if you do that ... and your W will sense it isn't genuine.
I'm heading for a D with little hope for reconciliation. I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. Looking back, I see how my trying to be "perfect" was really treating my W as a pop machine. Hey, I did the dishes, picked up the kids, folded the laundry, where's my sex?
Here's my question, do you really like your W? If you took sex out of the equation, would you love to just spend a weekend with her shopping or skiing or riding a bike? Would you like to play monopoly for a night?
How much do you remember about your early dating days or her childhood? Try becoming a student of her life. Start a journal of all the things you've learned about her over the years. It may cause you to ask some questions to fill in the blanks. Don't be obvious, but it may get her talking again and that will lead to the intimacy you want.
In my case, my W wants nothing to do with counseling. So I'm jealous of you. We just deal with other in a businesslike way. You still have a chance. Don't try to be perfect. Accept your life and her for the way she is.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Thank you soo much, needed all of that, and yes, I do enjoy spending time with her, whether it is playing a board game or going somewhere with her. Just watching our TV shows that we record is fun. We have the same sense of humor so whenever something funny happens we just both look at each other and laugh.
GREAT idea for journeling about her and our past.
Are you sure you are done with yours? Sounds like there is still some fire in you...
I would recommend you and your wife reading the book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. At the end of a book are two questionnaires to help you figure out how you most easily 'feel loved"... it could be that you and your wife aren't speaking the right 'love language' to each other..and therefore aren't feeling loved...
Just a thought. Some of what you posted sounded alot like excerpts from the book...
Last edited by kjensen; 10/13/0908:42 PM.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Are you sure you are done with yours? Sounds like there is still some fire in you...
I am not done with my M. My W says she's done with the M. I have two wonderful daughters who don't understand why we aren't at least giving the M one last shot and I'm mystified as well.
I fully expect to be divorced by our anniversary in April. In fact, I've been researching ways to keep the costs down so she can afford it -- she says she would have filed by now if she had the $1,200 retainer.
She still believes love is "a feeling" and not a commitment and that since she doesn't feel anything, it's time to move on.
I could drag things out forever, but where does that get me? Infinite more months in limboland waiting for her to come back?
I'm jealous of so many on the boards because they write about how their W's and H's waffle and change their minds -- one day they are sure, the next they are not. Mine only has certainty in her voice and her eyes. It's taken me five months and four rebuffs of counseling, church groups, etc. to get the hint.
Really, my only chance is to move on and thrive in life and let her sort out all of her little issues. I've admitted my faults and made my peace with it. This is the path she chooses and if you love someone you set them free.
That could be a Greeting Card couldn't it.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Greeting card indeed, Good luck to you and I hope nothing but the best for you and yours. You come across as someone that has it all together. Whatever happens I hope you find peace and happiness.
I would recommend you and your wife reading the book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. At the end of a book are two questionnaires to help you figure out how you most easily 'feel loved"... it could be that you and your wife aren't speaking the right 'love language' to each other..and therefore aren't feeling loved...
Just a thought. Some of what you posted sounded alot like excerpts from the book...
This is the book that I recommend to people if they're only going to read ONE relationship book. It's that good.
I would recommend that you read it, and then begin to APPLY what you learn about her primary love language. It will inevitably lead to her saying something to you about you beginning to "speak" her LL, and when it does, you can share what you learned, and encourage her to read the book.
The book was eye-opening for me b/c I always thought that my wife didn't love me, based on how little she "spoke my LL." Through the book, I was able to see that she WAS speaking love to me, only thru HER love languages. It was (and still is) a challenge to be worked on, because we both need each other to speak our primary LLs more in order to be fulfilled in the marriage, but I no longer come at it from a position of "she doesn't love me," rather as a challenge to be worked on.
