Hi everyone, I cant believe I'm doing this. My W and I have been married 20 years. I had a brief affair 4 years ago that resulted in a child. My A lasted about 3 1/2 months before I realized I loved my wife and broke it off and confessed to her. A short time later I found out the OW was pregnant. She asked me to come back but I said I was in love with my W and would not. My W knew everything and we agreed to work on our marriage. Everything was going great, appeared we put the past behind us but then she started asking all kinds of questions and started bringing up the A and the child. The mother of this child, the OW, has had a steady stream of boyfriends, one of which she is now engaged to and he plans on adopting the child. I was not put on the birth certificate nor have I been involved in this childs life in any way. This was by the OW design. My W now 4 years later served me with papers and is very angry. It appears she has now found someone and can only justify the filing by bringing up the past of 4 years ago. We have had some very good times since then and some troubled times but this came out of the blue. I believe the fact that she has been seeing someone behind my back has now made her blame me for everything that has happened. Is this normal? Does the blame game and anger from 4 years ago get WORSE with time or is this her way of legitimizing her affair. I Love her more than anything. She served me yesterday and could only bring up 4 years ago and wont address what she has been talking about. We just separated about a week ago. I hope this gets better and the pain goes away.
"My W and I have been married 20 years. I had a brief affair 4 years ago that resulted in a child."
"She asked me to come back but I said I was in love with my W and would not."
"My W knew everything and we agreed to work on our marriage."
"Everything was going great, appeared we put the past behind us but then she started asking all kinds of questions and started bringing up the A and the child."
The question becomes.. why did she start asking questions?
"My W now 4 years later served me with papers and is very angry."
Imagine that. How did you answer her questions? Are you really sure.. she "understood"?
"It appears she has now found someone and can only justify the filing by bringing up the past of 4 years ago."
Which is fair enough. I mean you do have "a kid".
Why would you not focus on "the wrong" that has been done to you? Is this not a reasonable thing for her to do?
"I Love her more than anything."
I still am left with the lingering question.. did you really prove that too her? Or did you just do the best that you knew how?
I am a firm believer in that DB.com usually is a accurate depiction of real life. That being said I suspect that she feels left out.. just like I do. I applaud your effort in posting.. but you leave me wanting more.
"She served me yesterday."
This is a big factor. To be honest I am not 100% sure how to direct you. I need you to lead. Show me the way.
"I hope this gets better and the pain goes away."
Both of these things will happen. It is still up in the air.. how quickly that will happen.
You may be fighting a losing battle.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Well i do think she felt left out and left behind. I did answer all of her questions as completely and honestly as I could. When we started moving past everything I started to get angry and started resenting the constant questions (I know, bad move) I have been in counseling and now know that I wasnt as supportive of her needs emotionally as I needed to be. I kept telling her to move on without letting her heal. We both tried to just forget about it at first without dealing with it. Things were great for about two years and then I think everything hit her again because I got angry with the questions that came up. I kept telling her to move on because I didnt want to revisit it. She has been constantly wondering if I have been secretly seeing the OW and the kid (I have not) I know that I have really screwed this up. Im giving her space and working on myself through counseling and reading to better understand her needs. If she doesnt want to work things out I will at least know how not to screw things up in the future.
"Well i do think she felt left out and left behind."
"I did answer all of her questions as completely and honestly as I could."
I question "could". Define that for me.
"I kept telling her to move on without letting her heal."
Do you have any idea of what it takes to help her heal?
"Things were great for about two years and then I think everything hit her again because I got angry with the questions that came up. I kept telling her to move on because I didnt want to revisit it."
It is a theme.
People show us the way to "love" them. Yet when we live with them every day we can't see it. The very issue of "loving" them becomes problematic.
This is the key to changing things.
To keep it short and simple.
The smart move for you is to fall back and implement the LRT. You have "papers" which changes things alot.
Do you understand what I am saying?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Thanks Forrest. I do understand. To define "could" means that I answered everything as I knew the answer to. Its like she wanted me to say things that just werent there or true. Thats just a part of her not trusting me and I understand that. I will look at the LRT as I havent gotten that far in the book. Any insight would be appreciated.
"To define "could" means that I answered everything as I knew the answer to. Its like she wanted me to say things that just werent there or true."
Without expanding on her thoughts anymore.. why did you feel like she wanted you to say things that were not there or true? The fact of the matter is that you knew you needed to do something more.. but did not know what to do. Correct? What do you think you should have done? What did you do?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
You are correct again forrest. I had no idea what else to do so i got frustrated and took it out on her. I needed to be more attentive to her needs to help her through all of this. I started going to counseling and I started changing the way I responded to her but she says it was all too late. Im working on myself now that she filed and has moved out. We will see what happens. Im still attending counseling and its doing wonders for my attitude and my ability to open up to people.
