Question about wife dating.

[TooLateForMe]

My W considers us divorced though no paperwork has been filed. We had a temp. separation that was intended to last 3 mo. but after the 1st week she announced she was done w/ R.

I'm not in the same apt. anymore and she has a dating profile online.

Can I say this is a no-no? Do I have the right to say this is not okay until the D is final, that I consider us married?

She can do what she wants. I have no real power to stop her but should I convey that I do not consider this appropriate? I want to appear confident, at least until I feel that way. But I'm not sure how I should deal with this in talking to her.

Not sure what protocol is for this or what is ideal.

[C-Bart]

Mark,
Have you asked her? One mistake we make during our separations is not defining the rules. Its good to have some form of separation agreement. I know easy for me to say, just some of that hind sight for you:-).

Ask her if it is ok for you to see other people. Word it how you want but something along the lines of I'm not sure where I stand on this issue but I'm thinking there may be someone who I'd like to start seeing.

Had this conversation with my W last week and she never really gave me answer. Her reaction said she wouldn't be ok with it though. She basically asked me if there was someone and I shyly said well there are a couple who have interest.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mark,

I think all you can say is "You're an adult; I certainly can't control what you decide to do or not do while we're separated. Personally, I don't think it's right for me to date until we're divorced, so that's the route I'll be taking," or something similar.

Or, if you DO want to date, something like suggested above.

My wife originally INSISTED on us dating others while separated; in fact, it was a big reason why she wanted to be separated. After initially fighting it for several weeks, I finally reversed course, and told her while there wasn't anyone specific, I was looking forward to trying it out, to see who might be out there for me. Well, that COMPLETELY changed her mind, and on the night I went out on my very first "date" (just met a former co-worker for drinks), my wife called me in tears, and wanted to "talk." After some heartfelt conversations about it, we agreed to remain separated, but to date only each other exclusively, and things have been going great ever since.

Puppy

[TooLateForMe]

Cbart, don't want to date anyone else. She does. The initial trial separation rules was monogamy. She announced d intent after 1st week. She has the dating profile. I started one but deleted it. It still feels like cheating to me. I felt betrayed when I saw hers. I felt cheated on.

[TooLateForMe]

Puppy, I'm afraid to even bring up d talk. Afraid she will force the d if I hint at d as boundary for my or her dating.

And I would love to just date her. Moving back would be too traumatic. But when I told her about MY dating profile she thought it was a GREAT idea. I'm at dr. Appt now w/ her and all I can see now in her is distance from me.

[shellshockedga]

PDT, I am curious (and of course not to hijack), but was your wife seeing anybody at the time she seperated?

I have suspicions that mine is, but frankly, I dont want to dig into it too much because of the personal hurt. I know the info is there if I need it should she decide on the "d." Anyway, I have considered something similar to what you did, saying I had a date, but infact, just meeting a friend for a few beers. If you all were seperated at the time, how did she know about your "date?"

thanks!

[robx]

Puppy, I'm afraid to even bring up d talk. Afraid she will force the d if I hint at d as boundary for my or her dating.

And I would love to just date her. Moving back would be too traumatic. But when I told her about MY dating profile she thought it was a GREAT idea. I'm at dr. Appt now w/ her and all I can see now in her is distance from me.

M A, I'm going to say it, it's this fear, this clinginess in you that is unattractive and pushes your wife away.

You're afraid to bring up the dating conversation because she will force the divorce?

News flash, she wants a divorce from you, she's separated from you, it's happening, you haven't been able to do much about it yet, but yet you still think you are controlling any of this?! Where is the logic in this?

Don't ask permission to date others,
did she ask you for permission?
We're adults, we'll all do what we want regardless of consequences because consequences aren't real until they actually happen.

Your 180 is to find your nuts again.

Your 180 is to be a man, she is dating because she is looking for one, apparently the husband she had she doesn't want, could be something to do with you not being masculine enough for her.

Do you feel that in the dynamic of your relationship?
She's bossy, she controls the tempo of everything, she's making the decisions, she decides to do this & that and whatever she wants and you stand back trying to say something but your voice is too afraid to come out & say something and she knows this so she continues doing these things, continues walking all over you because you have a sign that says "doormat" on your forehead.

You need to stop doing what you are currently doing.

None of it works, get that in your head.

What you are currently doing doesn't work.

Agree to this because it's the truth.

Now you have to do the opposite of whatever it is you were doing.

If you were contacting her daily, limit your contact to nothing.

What happened, why did she leave you? Did she have an affair? Did you? Why is it you moved out?

More info please.

[TooLateForMe]

Swell, robx. Being an uncompromising jerk got me to this point. No affairs. Just distance. I went thru a bit of a mlc and our c suggested a 3 month separation. 1st week went by and I realized the mistake of leaving and wanted to work on m. She decided she wanted out. Now. Much of the history is in my other thred.

What do I do? This is divorce busting, not divorce lay down and die. Admitting I'm afraid here doesn't mean I'm weepy guy to her.

Saying "man up" isn't solid advice. Showing some sensitivity is actually a big 180 for me. Taking control of my life is important but I don't want to date anyone. I can't stop her. To do the same would hurt me as much if not more.

I don't want to give her a d until I know she won't change her mind. We've been down this road before and I was the one who asked for one before. She gave in and I wish she had stalled until I came to my senses. She kicked me out before and wanted me back soon after. Hormonal problems and a mlc like mine are affecting her so to give in and say its all fine and btw I will get my own action while I'm "a free man" will make thing complicated down the road.

I get your intent but I think a confident attitude is better than "fine, do whatever and so will I."

Saying I'm scared here is one of the few places I can admit that

[TooLateForMe]

Right now I have to go back into "her" apt and gather up a bunch of my stuff to take back w/ me. I have to act like its no big deal, that its not breaking me in half. And I'll do it because that's how I was raised. But it kills me on the inside.

[etrain]

M A...I'm definitely not an expert as I'm new here & about to S. One thing I'm trying to learn is that I cannot control the actions of my W. If she wants to have an A, she's going to have an A (and she is).
I guess the same logic would apply to your situation. If your W wants to date, she's going to date....especially if you guys are already seperated.

I know it sucks. I'm having trouble dealing w/ it myself. I suppose you could tell her you don't think it's appropriate for her to date while you're still technically married...but in the end, she'll do what she wants.

Hang in there M A. I wish you the best of luck w/ your sitch.