Past Limbo: Wife officially wants divorce

[d1adsl5a]

Allright:

Six months into the wife not knowing if she really wanted a divorce. Last sunday, she cancelled retrouville. Says she is done. OK. Fine. Meeting with attorney's next week. Trying to me nice. Remember what sun tzu said. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Need to do that so we can proceed peacefully through the divorce process. She couldn't even give a marriage encounter 2 days just to try for our kids. What a selfish, selfish person.

Now she wants to wait until after the holidays: Like January or February??? I am not going to be with her for the holidays anyway. It isn't like she is coming to my parents house for christmas. They can't stand her and she knows it....

I have been keeping my cool for the most part. Being happy, walking away when she gets angry at me for no reason.

Sitting at dinner tonight and I got mad. I am taking my middle son to see taylor swift tomorrow night. She is going out drinking with her girl friends. then she says if you aren't doing anything saturday, I am going out to a bar with friends in front of our sons...I told her tonight she needs to stop with talking about it in front of the kids. I am resenting the hell out of her. She probably had 4 glasses of wine tonight.

I sometimes just want this over with. I am feeling better everyday that I am able to start moving on. It is just the going out till 3am while we are still together with our sons in the house just gets me fired up. She is still acting like she is 25....

Tired of being the responsible parent while she acts like a school girl.

[Lotus]

25 is kind of old for a schoolgirl, don't you think? Is she an alcoholic? Why is she so obsessed with going drinking?

[ClingingToHope]

Eventually the bar thing will get old and she'll want the intimacy of a family. Of course, it may be way too late by then.

I'm facing the same thing except I've been out of the house for five months. My W never even considered a marriage encounter.

Of course, I've done a lousy job of keeping rule No. 1 (no pursuing). It seems like every two weeks I've made some kind of overture. After the last rebuff on Tuesday I actually feel better.

My W says the only reason she hasn't filed is money so I've spent the last two days researching low-cost divorces. Talking to attorneys confirmed the fact I'll do fine financially. W's arrogant attitude towards me the past two days is helping as well.

I'm no longer wondering what I'm missing, but instead wondering how we kept it together this long.

I'll have my downs but I finally realize this M is over and it's time to move on. I've indicated I'm willing to come a long way towards her and she's unwilling to move at all towards me. I still deep down believe she'll discover I wasn't the reason for her unhappiness and when the newness of being single wears off, she'll wonder what she's done.

But that's for another day.

There are better times ahead for you. Trust me.

[fisherman]

I sometimes just want this over with. I am feeling better everyday that I am able to start moving on. It is just the going out till 3am while we are still together with our sons in the house just gets me fired up. She is still acting like she is 25....

What over with? The crisis or the marriage? This takes a long time. You need to reread the resources and get a better grasp on what you are dealing with.

What a selfish, selfish person.

Yep, that's all a part of it.My guess is that she hasn't always been this way and that you are forgetting what this mlc mess is all about.

Now she wants to wait until after the holidays: Like January or February???

If this is what she wants so badly why do you think she is waiting? I think you need to remind yourself that anytime she feels pressure, guilt, or sees anger from you, you are going to receive a major shove from her.

She is acting like a crazy selfish teenager correct? If yes, then why are you taking everything she says as gospel? You need to take a few more steps back from her and stop buying into all her bs.

It isn't like she is coming to my parents house for christmas. They can't stand her and she knows it....

Many people do not understand what truely happens to a person in crisis. Our loved ones see us hurting and it's natural for them to become upset and want it to stop.

I have been keeping my cool for the most part. Being happy, walking away when she gets angry at me for no reason.

Good....That's what you should be doing, but it MUST be consistent. I can't stress enough how important that is.

Sitting at dinner tonight and I got mad. I am resenting the hell out of her.

You must stay consistent. EVEN KEELED my friend. It's one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but it's doable. MLC'ers have a super keen sense of picking up on this or anything else that is troubling you.. I have never understood why, but they can pick up on this like nobody's business.

Everytime you show her your anger it feeds her jacked up justification. She is not your wife of old right now. She is a selfish teenager. The faster you accept this the better off you will be. Stop expecting her to be any different right now.

Tired of being the responsible parent while she acts like a school girl.

What other choice do you have? Do you want to start partying it up and acting like her?

Your children need you now like never before. Man up and embrace it.

[Mach1]

d1,


You still think this is a personal attack against you , don't you....

This is NOT a power struggle between two mentally healthy people here.....


She is in freakin CRISIS dude......

And you still don't think that your actions have affected the past six months with her......

If you want help getting through this, then say so...

If not, then I wish you luck D....I really do.

MLC'ers have a super keen sense of picking up on this or anything else that is troubling you.. I have never understood why, but they can pick up on this like nobody's business.

Trapt, I believe it is because they are looking for something/someone to fix externally.....it is an avoidance of looking into the mirror for them.

Same way that most affairs are people who need saved too...

[fisherman]

This was beautifully written to another fella in the trenches. Read it.

Take your focus off of her and keep it on you and your kids. Let her go to self destruct all on her own. If you do not want a divorce, then let her do all the work required to get what she thinks will make her happy.

Drew

One more time, this is not and was never about the OM. He was just there when she secretly decided she was not happy and began looking for a sympathic ear. The OP is often someone at work "that understands" and benefits from encouraging her new life. In MLC, it isn't someone who represents stability and a future, cause there usually isn't one. The MLCer rejects rules, controls, stability, logic ... you get the idea. They are self medicating their condiition with fun people - people with high lifestyles, often living from payday to payday and from party to party on credit.

Hey, she's 17 again. And from her view it is what she wants and deserves. It works for her. She was not ready to be a mom. Right now she has no interest in owning a home and paying bills or being a full time mom tied down with responsiby. What career? Simply, her journey to adulthood was never a clear path and she did not have the support she desired. That damaged her. Now she's seeking her way with no idea of a destination.

You, your old friends, your old plans are logical and judgemental reminders that she'll never be 17 again. A newly emerging inner voice is constantly screaming at her "it isn't fair" and "you deserve to be happy." Only she no longer finds happiness in what she used to. She never solved inner issues she repressed since development years.

That is what you couldn't change or avoid. Neither could she. Until she confronts and resolves those issues on her own terms they will continue to consume her and all in her path. It shows in her and she's probably a long way from bottom. There's darker days ahead as this life of new revelations unravels.

Love yourself and love your son. Be thankful for the journey that served you well up until now. Embrace the positives of staying on track with your life. You can't mediate between her and her demons for her.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Best of luck d.

[Grace_O]

d1,

That she cancelled retroville isn't really a bad thing. To go when she has no intention of really particicpating is a waste of time, money and a lie. A 2 day marriage encounter wouldn't "fix' anything. IMO you are looking to see if it's important enough for her to try. Right now, no.

You sound like you're done and want this to be over with. I've got some news, even if you D. It ain't over till the fat lady sings (and I am not even close to being warmed up here ), which in you case is another 11 years (minimally) of enteracting with her. Then beyond that, weddings, births, special occasions... you get my drift here?

I get the anger, she's having a good time and you're dealing with the boys and having to take care of everything on top of all the emotions. I so get that.

Do something to work off that anger. Lift weights (teach your boys), play a sport, whatever it takes to clear your head.

I got the original bomb right after the holidays. H waited until agter the next years holidays to move out. I don't think it matters why she wants to wait. It gives you an opportunity (I know you want to smack me here) to be more compassionate that she is in crisis and be less reactive to anything provocative she might say or do.

Print out what Was wrote.

HUGS

[Jack_Three_Beans]

For the record, Sun Tzu also said:

"Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win."

I only mention that because I believe you came here already defeated in your mindset.

I cannot convince you to fight for you marriage...that is something you have to do for yourself.

[are you kidding]

D-

This might help..what would of happened if you were having the crisis.

Your wife would be feeling all the emotions and craziness you are right?

We're not suffering, we're sacrificing for our spouses.

That could be the meaning of all this, that's my meaning, I am sacrificing for my wife, she has unresolved issues from when I wasn't there early in our relationship. If this is what she needs to get over it.

Let her Take that time.

You and I are in this way too early, let's do our homework fix ourselves and quit speeding things up. Look at what the others have gone thru and going thru.

We're ALL making a sacrifice for someone we cared deeply about at some point D'd, married, whatever it is going to be will be recognized later.

In the mean time. Let's become what we need to become.