Hard times

[needinghope]

Hello to all,

I haven't posted in a while and never in this forum. My H moved out on June 5th but wanted to go to counseling. We have had a rough time for the last 2-3 years, or as he says, forever. Whatever the case, he had an affair in the Spring of 07. When I discovered it, he wept, confessed, and swore to stop seeing her. Two more discoveries later with the same woman, I lost faith in our marriage. I called a coach and did what she said. Though I felt it went well for most of May, he moved out anyway. Yet, he swore that he wanted to go to MC to heal our marriage, so we went every week and sometimes twice a week.

There were two times that I wanted out. I felt blamed and saw no progress or willingness on his part. But, he convinced me to not give up, so I didn‘t. Two weeks ago after 15 weeks of intense counseling, I discovered that he never stopped seeing the OW! Ever! For two and a half years. I was incredibly upset, to say the least. He put so much on me to fix over the summer in counseling and he was with her the whole time. Then I found horrid emails that I wish I could carve from my memory that chronicled their entire relationship. She has been pushing divorce for over a year, and using every tool possible to do so. Funny since I am apparently manipulative and pushy, which is why he didn't feel comfortable moving back home.

So, I'm done divorce busting. I have no desire to be married to him anymore, but I spent the entire summer intensely focused on rebuilding our marriage. I feel so attached as a result. So I feel as though he just left and it is June all over again. I hate coming home. I hate the weekends. I hate the random realizations that come out of nowhere in the middle of the day. All the while, he is telling me how much he hurts for what he did and that he is crushed by the guilt. He has no idea what this feels like. His choices were made and paid for in the comfort of another. When the pain gets unbearable, he can call her and forget all about it. Not that I believe the pain gets unbearable for him.

The fact is, he has a distraction. I am alone. I can't shake the images of the two of them together having fun dreaming of their future. I feel like he robbed me of those dreams and gave them to her. So I paid the retainer for a lawyer today and am feeling very lonely. I know that you guys have all felt similar feelings, so I look forward to soldiering on beside you.

[needinghope]

Everyone keeps telling me that I the relationship with the OW will turn sour because it began as a superficial fix for two damaged people. How do they know that and why do I care so much. I hate that I am so jealous of the two of them. I want to move on but I don't know where to start. I don't feel at all like being social, but I know I should. I'm just so lonely and feeling very rejected.

[kat727]

I am sorry that you find yourself here. You definitely have to pay your dues to join the club. I think the best place for you to start would be to find something you enjoy doing but maybe gave up when you got married or during the marriage. If you don't have something like that, try to make changes in your routine. Go out to dinner with a friend(no talking about H allowed), join a book club, go to a movie.

Work slow and don't expect everything to get better over night but know that it will get better. Keep posting as it really does help.

kat

[cat03]

Two weeks ago after 15 weeks of intense counseling, I discovered that he never stopped seeing the OW! Ever! For two and a half years. I was incredibly upset, to say the least. He put so much on me to fix over the summer in counseling and he was with her the whole time. Then I found horrid emails that I wish I could carve from my memory that chronicled their entire relationship. She has been pushing divorce for over a year,.

Hi there, first of all big hugs))))))) I had to do a double take as I read your post, it was my life all over again back in Dec 07-Feb08. S-a-m-e thing happened to me, with full color picts on his email as well, and then ow fully convinced he was getting a D...all the while we'd go to C every week...
Hon, everything has its limit and you've reached yours much like I reached mine and told him, as my heart broke, to leave if he kept seeing her. Enough is enough, the man is a pathological liar and has no shame, and the ow/A has his brain fried. Yes, there is a good chance their R will go south once it's not a forbidden fruit (at the time, ex' and ow's R also went bad after he moved in with her and the reality of life set in)...then again, it might not. You care because you have feelings for him and fought hard to keep your M, no shame in that.

Thank heavens there are no kids, you have dodged a bullet as you don't have to see him every again if you D. Ok, so I know this is a DB site, but honestly, he'd have to come looking for you and your love, not just show how guilty he is...and that is the thing, he feels guilty but not sorry. Perhaps he is sorry he got caught, he feels no true remorse for hurting you, he is ridden with guilt because now you know his treachery, that's all.

I know many couples in db who despite it all have gotten back together... dont' know how long it took but it has happened. THe thing is...is up to you how much more are you going to take and how long you are willing to wait.

For now, I 'll tell you that you CAN have a great and fullfilling life, you are so young! so much ahead of you! GAL GAL GAL, keep super busy, find those friends you didnt' see often, plan gatherings, join meetup groups with people who like the same things you do. Volunteer, by giving back you'll feel so much better! I still remember the first day I volunteered, at the end of it I realized I had not thought of ex for a full afternoon! You are master of your thoughts, you can train your thoughts to go away from the hurtful parts. The bad thoughts will come, accept them and say to yourself "yes, that happened and it was hurtful, but it is in the past.
Read good books, a great book is "Tthe spiritual divorce" and also "eat, pray and love".

You can grow as a person and have a great life. Be careful that your L isnt' a "bomber" L, one who goes for the jugular and wants a fight. If at all possible do mediation, it saved me and dofus lots of money, I only had to see a L before and after the separation agreement was signed, to make sure I was not getting ripped off. You will do fine, believe it, that's the first step.

[needinghope]

Thank you cat.

I remember posting under separation, or maybe newcomers, as i discovered some secret email accounts that he claimed he used during preparing to move out. You were one of the ones that said that he was probably hiding a relationship, but of course he disagreed. I thought, "Why would he keep going to counseling if he has already moved out and is still seeing her?" Well, it turns out the unthinkable was thinkable to him. Thanks for posting.